Actually I'm having one of those weeks were I'm just like: don't gain anything TODAY. I don't even need to lose today I just want to be the same as I weighed in today for my official weigh in tomorrow. DON'T BLOW IT! So that's exciting unless of course I do blow it, but I don't think that's going to happen.
From June 17, 2002:
Sunday I was down to 183. Today I was 183.5. I'm losing weight so slowly and I'm hungry so much I don't see how I will make it. Can you be fat and die from starvation? I figured out where I'll be in August when we go to NYC and best case I'll be like 160. That's still huge! I know I shouldn't think like this. I know if I just stick through the hard times by Christmas I'll be thin. By Christmas I'll be beautiful. See, this is how I get in this ugly ditch. I start convincing myself that if I lose the weight everything will be ok. It's only because it's so incredibly hard that I need to know that once I do this, everything will be all right. But you know, it won't.Just for the record I was 146 pounds by Christmas that year and I was in the upper 160s for that trip to NYC and the photos are some of my favorite, I was freaking adorable.
I chose this quote because I think it fits with some of the things I'm feeling this time. Losing weight, being on this journey, is the hardest thing in the world. It's so hard. I've always wanted to strangle people who think it's easy or do something simple like cut out soda and lose a bunch of weight. It's just not like that. At least it's not for me. And judging by the 100s of Instagram accounts I search out every day it's not easy for any of them either.
I think it's important to have a vision in mind and you're just looking for that vision. And as much as I'd love for that vision to be 130 pounds, that's too far away, I have to look at something closer. Onederland is probably that vision. Everything up to that point, for some weird reason, just feels like I'm trying to back track. I just feel like I really messed up and went down the wrong road and up to 199 I'm just backtracking my way back up that road to take the real road. It's a weird thing, but it's what it is for me. It makes me extra frustrated because I have a long way to go to even get there. So each 10 pounds, each time I get into a new 10 pound range feels really good, but it's just wading through quicksand to get to Onederland. Too many metaphors?
And I'm doing the same thing, I'm picturing when everything will be perfect at the end of the road and although I know that's not true, part of me needs to think it will be to go on. I'm not having a cheat day or a binge meal because I don't know if it will destroy the whole thing. I can't risk it. I have to keep going forward. And literally, sometimes, I'm just willing myself to go 2 hours without eating. My whole life sometimes rides on making it 2 hours without giving in and eating something.
It's not easy.