Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Tuesday's Tales

I had this idea that every Tuesday, unless something more important happens, I would copy a post or part of a post from my earlier blog days.

Yes, I've done this before.  Starting in May of 2002, I had an epiphany and began an online weight loss journey where I ended up losing about 67 pounds.  My starting weight was 199 pounds but I lost like a shit-ton the first week and was in the 180s by close of my second week.  Like. so. unfair. 

Anyway the post I'm going to share came from my epiphany day on May 20:

Turning the Corner

I've been dreading this post because I'm really afraid of jinxing the whole thing. But, I think I have turned a corner. Since Friday night I have had a whole new outlook on food and god I hope it stays. My biggest fear right now is that it won't and any moment I'll start stuffing my face with food thinking it will solve something. If anyone reads this please keep your fingers crossed for me. I could use the support and encouragement.

There's a lot I want to say about it but my fear overtakes me. I'll just say this. I read so many blogs last Friday about weight loss. So many people that remind me so much of myself. The desperation, the despair. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to wake up at 300 pounds and realize what a terrible mistake I've made. I don't want to continue the path I'm on and end up 300 pounds with no more enlightenment than I have where I am now.   

So instead of thinking about food, food, food all the time I'm trying to think about clothes, clothes I wish I could wear, clothes I own and can't wear, outfits I would be wearing, how my underwear will feel, how it would feel to sit at my vanity and not have the tummy resting on my legs. Not to panic about summer and sticky-leg-syndrome and having to walk with my upper legs still and using only the lower part of my legs to walk. Not to have my bra cutting into my flesh causing ugly pink marks that burn when I take my bra off.

So that's where I am. I'm ready for the journey.

The obvious thing that sticks out is how do I stop this cycle?  I was basically 200 pounds and knew I was in trouble and somehow managed to lose all that weight and I'm telling you I almost immediately starting regaining weight, was immediately freaked out and frustrated.  How am I going to stop it from happening again?

We were watching The Late Show last night and Stephen Colbert was talking about this new medical device called The AspireAssist.  And it was like a joke, haha, fat people eat like the pigs and they use a tube connected to their stomach to remove the excess food from their stomach into the toilet.  And to me it was like, people, don't you see, this is a real thing, people are willing to have a tube connected from their stomach to the outside of their body to stop them from gaining weight, that's how hard it is.  I'm so tired of people thinking eating 1200 calories a day is easy, it's not easy, it's hard, it sucks all the time, all I think about is food now, it's terrible, and I'm not even dropping a lot of weight, it's slow and painful and mind numbing.  The AspireAssist isn't funny, it shows everything that's fucked up about being an obese person.  Stop judging fat people.  It's no different than a lost soul who's hooked on heroin.  It's exactly the same except you don't tell a drug addict that they still have to take a little bit of drugs 3 times a day and maybe a snack too, but just a little bit.  It's easy, just cut back!

2 comments:

  1. I am so glad that you are posting again. I lost weight like you and gained it all back. Now I am trying to lose weight again. I have almost lost 10 pounds, but this past week has been really hard. All I think about is food. I agree, it just sucks.

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  2. Good post!
    I'm with you, on this journey AGAIN ...

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