So, something horrifying happened over the summer. I broke a pier plank.
We were in the Adirondacks and like I always do I walked down the wooden pier past the boats to photograph the sunset. And on my way back, I took a step on one of the planks and my foot went through. I didn't get hurt or anything, I think my horror adrenaline took care of any initial pain. Then every night after that as we looked out over the lake to the sunset I saw the hole I left.
To any normal person they would just think the planks are rotten, which they are. But I broke the plank and I'm overweight so even if it wasn't my girth, the deed was done, the idea was there. The fat girl broke the plank.
My weight has remained remarkably steady for years now. The last time I lost some weight was the beginning of 2013. I was trudging along and then the day after Valentine's day I woke up with horrible stomach pains. A week and a half later (with a surprising additional weight drop) I was having an emergency appendectomy. Which is good, that means I went into the hospital down about 25 pounds down from the beginning of the year. I had some really crazy nausea afterwards and I decided to stop dieting until my stomach went back to normal and then I just never went back to dieting. My weight went right back up where it was before and has been there for over 2 years.
And I think because of that I tried pushing my thoughts about my weight
away because I was maintaining. The scariest thing about being fat
isn't the weight you are but that you are always, continually gaining
weight. So the fact that I was (virtually) the same for years gave me
some reprieve, a lot of reprieve actually.
When I think about my weight, which is a lot, I think to myself that I've been through a lot of emotional pain due to my infertility and inability to have children, and I'm over 40 and need to back down on the vanity anyway, and I'm happy like this, right? My husband thinks I'm beautiful and I can find decent enough plus sized clothes, and I'm sooooo overweight now anyway, it would be impossible to do anything. Impossible. Right?
Last week I got my hair cut short which means now I have to straighten it to not look like Shirley Temple and it's warm here and I was wearing underwear, sitting down, blowdrying my hair and my eyes drifted over to the full length mirror where I saw how large I was. I couldn't believe it. And I think that and a few other things really turned me around. I have to try this. I have to try.
I didn't know how this was going to go but I started last Wednesday recording my calories and I've been doing pretty good and feeling pretty good.. Tomorrow will be my first official weekly weigh in. I'm excited and I want to document my journey.
Blogging has been spotty for me but I'm hoping to turn that around. Hope you guys stick around.