Cough

So I've had this cough on and off since before Christmas. I went to the ER three weeks into the first cold when Nyquil wasn't working, nothing was working, and none of the Urgent Care centers accepted my insurance at the time. I was prescribed a cough syrup with codeine and some pills for the cough. The syrup gave me my first few nights of uninterrupted sleep with no coughing. But the syrup lasted about a week and I went back to coughing. The pills never did anything. A couple months later I found myself not coughing through the night and not coughing through the night felt weird because I had been doing it for so long. I was relieved. A while later, a month, two months, the cough returned. I attacked it with double doses of Nyquil, basically trying to knock myself out. It barely worked and a few weeks later the cough started going away, ironically when I got tired of taking Nyquil it went away a couple days later. This past Friday I got too much sun and the weather was hot and I couldn't cool off when I went to sleep and we had the fan in the window and I woke up cold and coughing again. I sleep for the 14 hour trip home waking only to cough and wonder why I can't stay awake. Sunday, coughing. Sunday night I remembered there was a 24 hour Urgent Care and I had good insurance so off we went at 11 pm. They were no longer 24 hours so we stopped for more Nyquil and I gave myself two shots and went to sleep.

Yesterday I went to the doctor at 2. He's a half block from the house and I heard he was very nice and attentive so I decided to try him out, thinking maybe it's better than an urgent care. He was very quick with me, I felt and a little patronizing. He was confused whether I had a cough or a sore throat. I thought I was explaining myself well to him, though he'd interrupt and said things like, "you can have a sore throat and not a cough" and "I can give you something to help you sleep that's not a cough syrup," "a sore throat won't keep you up at night" and "I'm only going by what you are telling me." I wanted to cry and I wasn't even coughing at his office. I had two cough attacks in the morning with tears and gallons of water but get me in the doctor's office and it looks like I'm not even sick. No fever, my strep result was negative, no sign of anything in my ears or in my throat. I tried explaining the cough keeps me up at night, it's just a cough, a tickle, a pinch in my throat that progresses into coughing attacks.

He gave me antibiotics, allergy medication, and cough syrup with codeine. If the antibiotics don't work I have a prescription for a stronger antibiotic. I took the meds as directed and the syrup at 10, sleep until 2 with no coughing. Took more syrup sleep until 6 and woke up coughing. I can't take more syrup because I have to work therefore I'm just laying in bed coughing, trying not to cough and coughing worse. I just got up so MLG could sleep the extra hour and a half I so desperately need.

I just don't understand why it's not going away. Why there's not something that someone can see. Why the only thing that helps only lasts for 6 or so days before it's gone and I'm back to coughing. Will this ever go the fuck away? And is any one else having this problem?

Adirondacks

Piseco Lake, originally uploaded by Lorie09.

Adirondacks

We had just left for our vacation, like 10 minutes out on I-40 and I panicked about the blog. We were talking about memories and MLG's memory is so much better than mine and then I remembered all my journals I've been keeping throughout my life and how they help me remember little things that I would never remember without them. I thought about the blog and how I haven't been keeping up with it, and these are important days, I'll want to know what I was thinking about during this period of my life. But I didn't bring my laptop. We went to the library once but I can't blog with my back to the room and MLG one computer over, checking rating on Rottentomatoes.com. So I didn't.

I brought Tales from the Scale with me. Initially I bought it and read all the parts I wrote, because I couldn't remember what I wrote, and then wishing I had written better and remembering the struggle of the time and all the things I was dealing with while writing for the book, selecting a yellow for the hall (important at the time), losing my job, losing MLG, moving out, I put the book aside and went back to wedding books. I had just read Heather's account of a 1/2 mile hike where she feel behind her fellow hikers and struggled up the mountain and her humiliation at the end of her climb (though it turned her life around and that's the best part). MLG was reminding me about our upcoming hike up Panther Mountain and reinforcing that his parents did the hike 10 years ago so I shouldn't worry, it's not that difficult.

I wanted to write at that moment. After reading about Heather's hike and before the actual hike myself. I wanted to write about how I hoped it would turn me around. How I knew it would be difficult because I knew how much I weighed. It's great to think the weight doesn't affect me, but I know it is. I have an ache in the arch of my foot since the day I climbed the ladder in middle bedroom to paint the trim without shoes. I thought I might have pulled something from being barefoot and up and down the ladder for 1/2 a day but after a month or so, I'm thinking the weight of my body on my arch is hurting it and only weightloss will make it go away.

I saw a photograph of me on vacation and flinched. That's never a good thing. I don't want to flinch at my wedding pictures and have to look away. I don't want that. So the day of my hike I wanted to write about my optimism for my future before the hike, not knowing what lied ahead.

Like your basic walk on a treadmill the first 3 minutes were horrible. Just knowing your at the very beginning and this is it, you're in it, sucked. Also like my former dealings with workouts I chose many mini short breaks over a couple long breaks. Part of this is because I had to catch my breath and I had to continue immediately when I could for fear of quitting. I wasn't going to quit. However long it was, I would finish it. About half way up before the infamous last 15 minute sharp incline, we past a couple 14 year olds who told us we had more than half way to go, not the words I wanted to hear at that point. They continued bouncing down the mountain while I continued to hate myself for needing to stop again. "Water, I need some water." I remember the incline coming and not feeling the strength to move. I had the lung compacity but my legs said no way. I rested for a brief moment and they found the strength to continue on. We neared the top where you're basically climbing up bolders and I found the change from hiking to climbing to give me new energy. Plus I was almost there. MLG had tried a short cut that was a dead end so I beat him to the top. I stared out, collapsed on a bolder, and began crying. I had not proven that I was still strong and could "handle" the mountain. I took a million breaks. I felt horrible. I wanted to bound up the mountain somehow. Just be like any other person. Not the fat girl, red and bloated, resting her way up the mountain. MLG found me and told me how wonderfully I had done, I had done it. I did great. I climbed a mountain. And how he needed the rests too. That it was okay, I had just climbed a mountain. I took photographs and we rested and enjoyed the view. Another couple came up shortly after with 2 dogs, very hiking type people with tans and muscles. We joked that they probably started well after we had and had caught up to us. We hadn't timed the walk, I wish we had. Our estimates were that the walks took roughly the same amount of time. MLG had them insist that they took many breaks too and they said they did, that you have to when climbing a mountain. We soon said goodbye and began our decent down the mountain.

It's still sitting with me, that mountain, but it hasn't changed my eating as of yet. I say that and yet even writing it I think it has. I'm in a state of limbo right now. I'm right on the edge, right at the top of that mountain, I can feel it.

I got a cold on Friday night. I slept the entire 14 hour trip on the way home yesterday. It was the first day in many many days that I ate about 1000 calories the whole day. Today I feel better in terms of being able to stay awake. I don't feel like stuffing my face and I'm not sure if it's my cold or a turn around.

Wedding Planning Frustrations

I feel like I need a wedding godmother to help me solve this little problems that I can't seem to find help for in my books or on the wide world of the internet. And then I thought, well short of being a newbie poster on TheKnot.com, which I'm not too far removed from, I should get some advice from you guys.

1. Question: And this is frustrating me to no end. We are having the wedding at home and the wording from what I can find is supposed to leave out the location like "St Paul's Church" or "Orton Plantation" and just put our address. MLG thinks this may confuse some people who won't understand they are supposed to be showing up at our house. I want some way to put that the wedding is taking place at our home. Here is the lame way I have it written until I can come up with something:

"DietChick" and "MLG"
together with their parents
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
Saturday, the eighth of October
Two thousand and five
at four o'clock
at their home
"Address goes here"

As you can see there's too many "at"s. I can't just put "their home" because it makes no sense or "MLG last name residence" because it's our residence and sounds too much like it's his parents house. Any ideas????

2. Question: I know I'm just supposed to pick "Canon in D" and be done with my processional song or "Here comes the bride" or "Trumpet Processional" or whatever else doesn't feel like me. I would like to personalize this wedding as much as possible. What if my processional song was "In My Life" by The Beatles. Is it too lame, is it too distracting? The DJ will play the song, we don't have musicians.

2b Question: And then how far can I go with the whole Beatles thing until it becomes lame. I was thinking instead of table numbers to have tables named after Beatles Love Songs. I really like this idea. If I do that and throw in In My Life somewhere in the ceremony, it's not too much, is it?

2c Question: Say I give up on the processional "In My Life" and decide to go with "Canon in D" and I want to beef up the non-religious wedding with a reading - I'm using The Velveteen Rabbit - and a song, if I don't have musicians or a singer to sing a song can I have the DJ play a song? Is that weird? Does anyone do that or do I skip the whole song thing because there's no one to watch sing or play? Could I play "In My Life" then or can I only do it if someone is there to sing and play the music.

Come on Fairy Wedding Godmothers, help me out please...

Needed

I remind myself of one of those childhood friends who gets into trouble and gets grounded and can't play or talk to anyone. You look up at their desolate house wondering what the heck is going on in there. It's like work sometimes grabs a hold on me and I retreat unable to think of anything else except how trapped and overwhelmed I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to have serious help for me but it's not a given, it's a maybe. I have a big vacation coming up, the week of June 20th where I'm going to the Adidrondack mountains to visit with MLG's family. I need that week. I need so much from that week and I hope to God it will give it to me, some peace, some strength and understanding about what the fuck I'm doing at this god awful in over my head job. This week was supposed to slow down a bit and give me some catch up and breathing room but I got so frustrated today I almost had a meltdown, a girly cry fest. MLG tells me I can't keep going through my days on the verge of quitting. There has to be a point of acceptance. My need to please and inability to do so prevents me from being able to do that. Today I described it as communication issues. If I can't understand my boss and my boss can't understand me (repeatedly questioning the same thing over and over and not understanding) at some point, like a relationship, don't you just say, this isn't going to work. I don't even give a shit about the money anymore. I need peace of mind.

I hate talking about work. That's why I try to not write at the worse moments. That's why I've been gone from here, up in my room in the desolate house on restriction.

I picked out a dress and purchased it. I immediately freaked out that night certain that I had made a huge error and should have ordered it in a month when I would be more sure of my size (that hasn't gone anywhere by the way). The next day I realized it won't be ready until less than a month from the wedding so I did purchase it at the right time and should still make every effort to lose a dress size or 2 before October.

Today we met with the tent people and the caterer/wedding planner at the house. Tonight I started again freaking out about my color choice of chocolate brown and hydrangea blue. The table cloths are going to be white and the overlays are supposed to be brown organza. I just have this feeling it will look weird, like I'd like to see what it looks like. I need to discuss this with my mom tomorrow. Also today the caterer and my mom were suggesting such things as pound cake centerpieces and dried hydrangea wreaths on the tables. I didn't really like either idea, the whole color selection came from wanting blue hydrangea centerpieces and bouquets and if that's not going to happen then I'm going with pink, by God!

I'm also trying to figure out music selections and help planning a bridal shower. I think I've been roped into making designer house cookies as favors. Like I can decorate a cookie to look like a house. I wanted to buy them but they look like little cottage houses and not tall ass houses like this one. The bridal shower theme is going to be Home so I though house cookies would be cool but it's easier to imagine something than to make it happen. That's what I've learned most about wedding planning. My shower, however, will be pink and apple green. I'm in some serious pink withdrawls. Who knew like 90% of all bouquet pictures are of some variation of pink. I wanted to get some ideas scanned and posted on Flickr but work, oh my god, I just don't know if I'll get the time. I'll try. In the meantime here's the link to my dress. It's the one on the right. It doesn't look like that on by the way.