Dream Caterer, Dream Dress

My mom and I met with the caterer today. She's way more than a caterer it turns out. She's got this wedding thing up and running. It's weird when you don't know where to start you kind of just leave it all (except maybe buying Martha Stewart Wedding magazines from Ebay). She's lining up the food, the tent, the tables, chairs, linens, DJ, bartender. She even recommended, practically insisted, on a florist.

After leaving the restaurant my mom and I both relaxed so much. It felt so good. Then we went to the Wedding Dress shop my hairdresser had recommended. I had to immediately use the bathroom thanks to gulping Diet Cokes at the caterers. When I came out my mom and the store worker had selected about 8 gowns for me to try on. The 38B bustier was too tight much to my distress and I was given a 40C. 40C! The first was a size 12 that I couldn't get up over my hips so we looked at it in front of me in the dressing room mirror. The second one was a 14 that I was just happy to get on. It would not zip up. Then we had the brilliant idea to try them on over my head. This way I could get the 12s on and leave them unzipped to check them out outside the dressing room in the big mirror. We determined that we didn't like v-neck dresses because it draws attention to my moley chest (which is odd because you'd think the strapless would but it opens the area up more showing the shoulders and collar area instead). We found a very plain strapless floor length that I kind of liked. She gave me a veil to put on and I even looked like a bride. The next dress wouldn't go over my hips even when putting it on over my head. I tried to imagine it over my hips and couldn't get a visual. The model thin bridal shop worker said she would try it on for me and I didn't think that would help because her body is so straight. I asked my mom to try it on since she's curvy and I could get a better idea. It was a very pretty dress, also strapless with beading around the waist. The beading deflected from the lower waist (the trouble area). I really liked the dress. I didn't know if it was "the one." I don't know what "the one" would feel like when all I felt is fat and 40C and pimply and unable to zip anything but kind of bridey with a cute veil on and oh look are those flower girl dresses? You really think brown is a bad choice for bridesmaids? Here Mom, try this on so I can see what it looks like.

Sigh.

It was getting late and I had to get back to work. I hadn't even had the chance to browse the racks of white myself to see what I might like. We agreed to take a break and come back tomorrow (which I remembered later I can't go tomorrow and I'm not sure when we'll be going back).

Back in my mom's car going back to the caterer's to get my car we were discussing the dress and how much we liked it. Then my mom said something like it'll look fine on you now, the way you are. And I just felt relief, you know. I wanted to cry. I'm so tired of fighting for a weight I can't maintain. I'm so tired to looking out to this impossible horizon and not understanding why I need it so bad. Why do I have to be size 8. What makes life so much better there. And if it is so great, why can't I stay there, what brings me back, what brings me back to this life.

I just want to accept myself. I spend so much time hating myself, wanting to beat myself up for not working out, not starving myself, not being in "the diet zone." Why can't I not be that person? Why can't I just be happy, be accepting, love my body because it's mine and it's healthy. Maybe then, maybe I can just live without FOOD and WEIGHT and EXERCISE being right there all the time causing me to hate me. Maybe instead of size 8 or size 6 I can just be a size 12. A size 12. Happy and content, loved and loving, and in my life.

Aidan Asleep

Aidan Asleep

aidan asleep by the computer, originally uploaded by Lorie09.

I'm not entirely sure why but I can't get my house blog to show current. The posts show on my edit page and everything publishes but then it doesn't show up on my blog. If it doesn't show by tomorrow I guess I'll stop using Hello and will use flickr for those photos too only you can't post multiple pictures that I can tell. I should test it more to see if it's Hello that's messing it up.

My mom and I are going to meet with a caterer tomorrow. She's already doing a wedding on the day of my wedding and I have a feeling they are going to tag team me to change the date to Sunday but I think that's going too far for all the religious relatives who aren't seeing MLG get married in the Catholic Church. I think a Sunday wedding on top of that would push them over the edge.

I suppose this is the time I should go workout of something but instead I'm trying to decide what room I want to paint next. Procrastinator that I am.

Engagement Ring

Engagement Ring

Engagement Ring, originally uploaded by Lorie09.

It may be tacky but enough people have asked for this photo to make it okay, I think. My very large glow in the dark pink hand should make up for whatever etiquette rules I'm breaking.

Kristi was nice enough to donate a free flickr account to me so now I have three blogs to get behind on. I'm excited about the flickr blog though - posting pictures should be easier because I don't have to worry about what I'm saying. It's lighter and requires less thought, I guess.

Wedding Planning
The Date has been set. We are getting married on October 8, 2005. I can't remember if I posted about this or not but the more we researched wedding sites and reception sites the more impersonal everything began to feel and we decided to have the wedding and reception at home in the backyard. There's a vacant lot next to the house that we got permission to set up a tent on and since we are replacing the back fence anyway we decided to keep that part down until after the wedding so it'll be open through to the vacant lot. Hope that makes sense. We really wanted to have a cookout but I think 100 guests will be too many to cook for everyone. I'm supposed to meet with a caterer who knows my family and is very good. Having a caterer is also nice because I know I won't have the time to oversee everything. It'll be nice to have it done and a great Greek lady running the food portion of the wedding.

I've spent a great portion of my litte girl fantasy life thinking about my wedding and the actually planning part never occured to me. I guess I expected someone to step up and tell me how to do this exactly. It's hard. I'm just waiting for someone to say something's too late. Too late to order flowers. Too late to buy this dress.
You really should have started sooner you know.

And the dress. I'm absolutely huge and unable to get a grasp on my weight. I'm trying again on Monday to get myself into gear but the truth is I'm going to be overweight for my wedding. I will probably be very overweight for my wedding. I've been thinking about how I feel about this and I think I always just assumed I would be thin and pick out the dress I always wanted and would be tiny and delicate and pretty. This is going to be very difficult for me. I'm putting off looking at dresses because I know it's going to break my heart and also I keep thinking I'll switch into diet gear any second. Like Monday?

As part of my procrastination, the middle bedroom I always used for my workout room. MLG's roomate painted the back wall a blood red paint smeared effect, it looked like smeared blood and I could stand to look in that room much less workout in there. So the past couple weeks I've been working on painting that room, just so I could workout in there. Best Intentions, you know. The pictures are at the house blog.

Lessee, what to do?

I could read some more of Poundy’s book I’m Not the New Me (oh my god, I adore this book and will force my mom to read it), break out my new sheet protectors and begin making my Wedding Idea book (which would also mean cutting up a $30 I-Can’t-Pay-Too-Much-On-Ebay-Someone-Cut-Her-Off back issue of Martha Stewart Wedding), stare at the unbelievable appearance of mountains of pimples overtaking my face (all ingrown and painful), clean something, put some stuff away that’s in the middle bedroom, make the two extra beds, fix my registries so I have something more than bath light fixtures from Restoration Hardware and Silk curtains from Pottery Barn, play with the kitties (even Aidan who has so far broken a favorite cut glass picture frame and a large iced tea glass), watch mindless television, set up the tv upstairs to tape my shows before I miss another Survivor, try to talk to my mother and figure out exactly how a wedding will be paid for (I mean really, how?), email bridemaid dresses to Very Best Friend to her horror to avoid my own horror of having to try on a dress (why god why can’t I be skinny for this?), somehow sink into my flighty no-that-can’t-be-true head that I’m 188 pounds (yes, that’s right, it’s confirmed as of today, even though every time my ring twists on my finger I’m assured I’ve lost 10 pounds (but look it’s turning!)), end a sentence?

Or write in my journal.

Oh well, gotta split. There’s lasagna in the oven and clothes in the wash.