No One Has to Know

After talking to Erin for an hour last night it came time to tell MLG about the blog and the book deal. It came out garbled in my infamous way of not being able to say things and needing them wrenched from me. But it came out eventually with my head buried somewhere under his armpit. It’s like the moment when the superhero tells the heroine about his secret life, but really I guess they never do that. I thought he was mad but I think he’s okay. The whole reason I never told him was because I didn’t know how to tell him or what he’d think about it. Or when to tell him. I mean for some people it might be weird. It’s a strange concept to have a public place for your private thoughts. You don’t want those close to you to see it like you don’t want them reading the diary you tuck under your bed and yet it’s somehow okay for complete strangers to read your innermost thoughts and issues. Why is that? Anyway I told him. He told me he wouldn’t seek it out. Obviously from my own experiments it’s pretty easy to find. It amazes me how I stumble upon it accidentally sometimes. As I’ve always felt if anyone who does know me finds my journal please don’t tell me. Use your own conscience to read it but don’t tell me or it’s gone.

I kept waiting for him to say something like, “How can it be a weight loss blog when you’re gaining weight. The neighbors can hear you scream, ‘Oh god no!’ whenever you step on the scale.” Shouldn’t my weight problems seem new to him? Oh look, silly me, gained 30 pounds. Hmm, how to deal with this? I’ve just like never had this problem before. Insert batting eyelashes. Am I that transparent? I guess our first conversation ever was about Atkins so I don’t know why it’s all news to me.

I’ve just always been told to keep it secret. Now that you’re thin no one has to know about your previous fat ass life. That would assume, ha, that I had never regained any weight.

Ambivalence

"Nothing worth doing comes without a heavy dose of ambivalence"

I came across this quote the other day and it was so powerful that it stuck in my brain and I had to relook it up today, thanks google. My blog has become almost torturous lately, not being able to get my act together and actually having to write about it day in and day out wears on me. On top of that I’m supposed to be helping write Erin’s book and it’s becoming increasingly apparent that I haven’t got a clue what I have to say anymore. It’s supposed to be my dream, right? To write and be read, the blog, and even moreso to be published, Erin’s book. Why all the sudden when things fall into place do I freak out and shut down. And isn’t my body part of that? Isn’t that why I’m scared to death to lose weight, why it’s easier to be fat? Everything’s so great that it becomes completely scary and I want to shut down and check out.

That’s when the quote comes into play. It’s ambivalence that’s rattling me. If I could stop doubting myself for a spell maybe I could get it right. I’m so afraid of failure that I don’t even want to try. And that’s terrible. It’s sad really.

My body has become my enemy again. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to think about it. I want to pretend that it doesn’t exist, that’s it’s just me, who I am inside. But it does exist and it is part of me. For lack of less cheesy word, it’s my temple. If I don’t take care of it, it shows, it shows that I don’t care and that I’ve given up on myself.

I watched Tuck Everlasting yesterday before spending all day working in the yard and still gaining 2 pounds. It’s about immortality but even more than that living your life and it made me think that pretty much half my life is over. I’ve lived half of all that I get. Am I going to live the other half like this, afraid of my life and my body. Living in a cocoon out of fear. Half a person.

It’s not right for me to do this. I get one life, I get one year at 32 years old. I can spend it hating my body or fixing it and being who I’m supposed to be. Why on earth I choose to eat and live in fear I have no idea. I really have no idea.

Graveyard

Did even more yard work yesterday. Neighbor says, “Are you digging a grave?”

I stacked up all the cinderblocks (11?) by the curb and I hope someone will take them so I don’t have to figure out how to get the trash people to take them. I still have chunks of brick to put somewhere. Trashcan? Dunno. Spent loads of time checking out tree and shrub options. Have decided I want a camellia tree/bush and a magnolia. I'm kicking myself as mom said I would that I didn’t do a better job of trying to save a big hunk of liriope mixed in with the tri-trunks from hell I dug up on Wednesday. I do have a bit of liriope on the left side. I’ll thin and see how far that gets me. I want to add a birdbath and flagstone walkway (it’s a very small area). We’ll see. Oh, and hydrangeas. My favorite flower. Can’t forget that.

It’s relatively easy to dig up a yard but I think it’s more difficult to flatten everything back out.

Met possible roommate yesterday. She actually sat on the couch and had a chat. Most people see the ladders in the hall and are ready to get the heck out. Felt kind of bad that the room (and bathroom) aren’t cozy enough. Especially after she kept remarking how beautiful the house looked and how I needed to be a decorator. There’s not even a mirror hung in the bathroom. I stole it to use downstairs.

So if she’s taking the place and I suppose if you HAVE to have a roommate she’d be the one you want, works a lot and late and will be gone most weekends to visit out of town boyfriend, I’ll have to fix it up a bit better. Plus I have to vacuum the whole house (a 1 hour chore) and clean all the bathrooms and work on the yard (my new favorite pastime). That’ll be my weekend.

I don’t know what to say about the current status of the diet that hasn’t already been said so I think it’s best to say nothing at all.

TLC

I took the day off work yesterday to get some things done. Like sleep in. Watch some TLC.

I did take off the day to work out in the yard and eventually I got out there. I swear it’s like working out. I know I’ll be fine once I get out there but it takes great mental effort to actually do it. I know it’s going to make me tired and hungry. I know I’ll get sweaty and nasty. But damn girl, get out there and tear that freaking yard up, you’ve got lots of work to do. So I worked about 3 hours out there. I only stopped because it grew dark. Like I said, once I’m there I’m committed. I got up a very bad stump area and the questionable one by the railing. It had a rusted pipe next to it but I found digging down that I could loosen the pipe and pull it up. I waited for a great flood but it never happened. I’m very happy that not only is a tree located 3 inches from the railing gone but a ugly ass rusted pipe no longer decorates the front yard.

I moved 6 cinderblocks to the sidewalk and the rest of the debris. There’s a science to moving cinderblocks without hurting your back or resting them on your t-shirt. I loosened up about the 4th cinderblock in. I really should have moved more because the first 3 were difficult. I’m amazed at how wonderful I feel after working in the yard. The sense of accomplishment cannot be matched. Though I get tired beyond belief and hungry, that hungry man hungry where I need some substantial food. We had pizza last night for dinner.

Today, wildly enough, I am not sore. That’s great news.

Took my 3rd trip this week to Target today to check on out of stock shabby chic items. Did the raincheck deal because Simply Shabby Chic is on sale through tomorrow though no one thought to restock. Very frustrating. If I could get the other 2 set of curtains I could get real live curtains hung in the bedroom. How exciting would that be. But no. You must wait some more.

I don’t know what it is but Easter candy entices me like no ones fool. Even more so than Halloween because Easter colors are so pretty. So every freaking trip to Target I buy freaking candy. I’ve been getting the little plastic eggs with candy inside because they are small but with multiple trips I’ve been eating too much candy. Feeling defeated before starting once again, I purchased some Reece’s 6 pack chocolate eggs and Almond Joy eggs. I know I haven’t the will power not to sit there and eat all of them, I haven’t got a freaking clue what I was thinking. I swung by Wendy’s on the way back from work and got a Mandarin Salad and they forgot the almonds and I checked the calories (going to try Fitday again) and I saved 150 calories not eating the almonds. Who freaking knew. That for some strange reason that has up my spirit and I only ate one almond joy candy egg (150 cals) and am still in it. I just want one good day, you know. With the works. Good calories and exercise. I don’t have to go to the gym, I’ve got a yard to rip up and a house that needs an hour’s worth of vacuuming. There’s plenty to do. I just want to tell the part of me that feels defeated (and hasn’t even done anything!) to just try to get through one day. Just one day. And forget about tomorrow. We’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

Eyes of the Beholder

I’m a sucker for a happy ending, as I suppose most people are, though some people, surprisingly, get pissed off at a Hollywood Ending when it occurs in a movie. I didn’t really enjoy the fact that I was inconsolable after Cold Mountain. And personally, I think it’s why the movie wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. Give me the Hollywood Ending.

This entire experience with MLG is such a rare thing for me. My relationships have always been for shit. Sure, there’s the odd sprinkling of happiness. Over passionate like I was personally responsible for making it happy. No one has really taken care of me. Worried about my happiness, my well-being. No one’s ever said, “yes dear.” It was more, “but I like my clothes on the floor, I know where they are,” sort of thing.

And in all honesty, I am waiting for the shoe to drop. Sure it may take years but isn’t this the reason why he hasn’t asked me to marry him. To make sure I’m not psycho. I won’t grow to be 300 pounds (questionable at this point). I don’t know, surely there’s something. It fills me with insecurity, something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and wondering how much to write here.

He’s hired a new lawyer and she’s very beautiful. We all went out to dinner last night. She’s very well put together. Very nice. Very friendly, enjoyable, thinks he’s funny. I’m jealous. I’m like the frumpy old lady. All tracksuited out for dinner while she’s in pantyhose and heels. Her eyes are the color of sea glass. Can I kill myself now? I hate being insecure. I know it’s my insecurity that makes me fat. My fat makes me insecure. Makes me second guess myself, doubt myself. It’s cyclical and I don’t know how to stop it. I wonder if it’ll ever be stopped, if my inner demons will ever be quelled. If I won’t always need something more, something to convince me I am loveable, that it’s for real, that this is my happy life, this is my happy ending.

(Wo)Man against Nature

Well Saturday came around and I decided to leave the home and till around in the yard. Last week we bought all sorts of yard work supplies and not having any outdoor storage all these items are on the front porch because it’s covered.

I wore my new favorite gloves, though they make my hands smell like suede (and not in a good way). I began with the 9 inch shears that soon showed worthless. My goal was to remove two large bushes and 2 stubby trees.

This became my new best friend for the afternoon. My plan was to lop off all the limbs of the bushes and once it was just a vertical stick, dig around it until it would pull itself out. I started on big bush #1 and once it was a big bare stick I started digging. It was a little harder than I thought so I left that bush and went in search of an easier object. I saw hated bush #2 and decided to give it’s limbs a good cutting. It smelled piney as I was snipping away. Once it was a big stick I notice a smallish stump next to bush/stick #2 and decided to dig around it. It took some serious effort but I eventually removed the stump. I noticed another small bush/tree in the back and dug that badboy up. Feeling more confident now I tackled the hated stick #2. It took me a long time and realized in my digging that the stepping stones went all the way around the yard though they’re covered in dirt and not easy to remove for some reason. I continued on around the covered step stones and getting down in the dirt with my lopper I cut away the roots bit by bit until it let go of the soil and tossed a huge stump over. Victory. I took a break, my head was seriously pounding, and I was exhausted beyond belief. But my mind was determined. Hated stick #1 would be mine.

Hated stick #1 is located right in front of the fence that connects to the neighbor’s yard (and his bushes). The fence was proving an additional challenge because I couldn’t get back away from the bush. Furthermore, I noticed while digging down that there’s a water pipe under ground and the bushes roots go between and under the water pipe and the fence, a narrow space of probably a foot and a half (and it’s a big freaking bush). I didn’t think I could do it and just kept digging out dirt so I could see what I was dealing with. There were 2 large roots about 4 inches wide each that I had to snip away with the lopper. Finally the tree fell. I was so freaking tired but fueled with adrenalin that I immediately dragged it out by the curb (with the rest of my debris). I wanted to do the Rocky dance. I was pumped. And exhausted.

Sore all day Sunday, I could barely move and I'm not entirely 100% today. I also found out during my “mini-break” that the stepping stones are actually whole cinderblocks dug into the ground. I have about 20 of them to remove. Great.

My yard currently looks like a grave yard. I meant to take pictures and will try tonight. Unfortunately, and I’m bummed beyond belief, I don’t have any yard before pictures to show the scope of what I accomplished on Saturday. But the graveyard looks rocking.

PS – I’ve always hated yard work. When I was growing up, yard work was always considered punishment. I spent many teenage angst ridden years cursing my parents in silence as I raked a many a yard. I despise it. But somehow being my own yard and doing what any sensible person would hire someone to do or rent some machinery to do it feels like something large. A huge sense of accomplishment.

Though really, it’s rather embarrassing to look at right now.

Fatty Friday

Well I’ve exchanged swollen low-carb face for water retention face. Would it be wrong to say I prefer this? I’m doing this my way, the only way that’s ever worked for me. I just have to actually DO IT.

Stay tuned.

It takes one long ass full on hour to vacuum this house. It’s unbelievable to me how long it takes. But I did it yesterday and according to Fitday.com I lost 94 calories doing it. That’s like a whole hot wing drumette with ranch.

My curiosity was peaked though I was disappointed that I only burned 94 calories lunging that canister around for 60 minutes, including doing the stairs. Walking ½ hour at a pace of 3.5 miles/hour (my old workout routine) burns… 94 calories. Amazing that even did anything (though it did). Painting interior of house for one hour… 220 calories. I usually work about 3 hours when I paint, if not more. It had a whole category of sexual activity but I was afraid I’d get some porn popups so I skipped that category.

I also compared McDonalds Grilled Bacon Ranch Salad (540 calories) to McDonalds Grilled Caesar Salad (390 calories). The dressing is the big difference and by eating the Caesar Salad I can save 150 calories. That’s a lot.

I’ve also implemented the green bean rule. If I’m hungry when I get off work and need something to tide me over until MLG gets home and we eat dinner then I’m going to eat a can of green beans. It’s like minimal calories. It’s a freaking 0 point food on Weightwatchers. It’s easy to make, it’s filling, and it’s healthy.

Unfortunately when something’s not exactly appetizing I tend to skip it, it’s why I go into dehydration when I try to only drink water, therefore I was seriously hungry by dinnertime (almost 8 pm) and overate. I may exchange the green beans for a snack size bag of popcorn. It has more calories but it’s more appetizing therefore I may actually eat it and ward off serious hunger issues when eating dinner late.

Only, I don’t know exactly how filling a snack size bag of popcorn will actually be. It may actually make me hungrier. Plus the house will smell like popcorn. Maybe I’ll try string cheese. See how that does.

This could all be so easily remedied by eating dinner at a reasonable hour. Dinner should be at 6 and nothing should be eaten after 7 pm. That’s the best rule in dieting and it works wonders. Unfortunately MLG is never home at that hour and I’d really like to get into the habit of eating dinner with him. I tried eating before him and then he eats alone and I watch TV in the other room and it’s so very 1995 that it’s frightening. I tried sitting at the table while he eats but it’s so bizarre like I’m anorexic or something watching him eat while I sip a diet Sierra Mist. Families need to eat together so I just need to figure out a plan.

Fucking A. I’m 165 fucking ass pounds. Seriously depressing and completely unacceptable. I’m not going to be 165 pounds. Size fucking 12. No, no, no. Get pissed and do something about it. For godsakes woman!

So Not Fair

I just want to go down on record saying that I think it’s completely unfair and unjust to gain 5 freaking pounds in 6 days (not to mention impossible). I’ve been counting my calories on Fitday and according to my calculations I should have lost just under a pound. A half a pound would have been sufficient. But 5 pounds gained! That’s 17,500 calories consumed OVER what I burn in 6, count them, 6 days.

That didn’t happen. There was no binging. There wasn’t even anything memorable about my food consumption in the past week. The spinach salads were rockin’ but that’s diet food, people, diet food.

This is very, very bad.

I’m starting a workout routine hopefully today (unless I have a TOM relapse) and maybe that will inspire me to starve myself.

Simply Shabby Chic

I think I went a little over on my carbs yesterday.

I can’t believe no one told me about this. I mean, well, someone did, my mother, but you’d think of all the people I know in the world (that would be you guys) who know I openly covet outrageously overpriced signature Shabby Chic items, someone would tell me Rachel Ashwell is working for Target now and has a freaking line out. Not exactly cheap but I don’t have to take a lien out against the house for a new duvet either.

The sad fact is there was one white matelasse curtain panel in stock and I need three. There were three placemats, white cotton with crocheted lace trim, and I need four. I just bought an all cotton white dustruffle from Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few months ago, when I about freaked out that you couldn’t find an all cotton dustruffle at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and then Lunch Buddy found them saving me a mental breakdown; but I want the shabby chic one. It’s all wrinkly and girlie. And I want a set of sheets with ruffles at the top. They were $60. I know this because I can get a pair (sans ruffles) at TJ Maxx for $35 and haven’t done it yet.

I only got the one curtain panel, just to see if it fits. It’s nice and thick and just may help block the light as MLG has requested.

I think I like the paint color. Difficult to tell because the hall is so darn dingy and painting a 2 ft by 2 ft square looks like a yellow picture hung in a dingy hall. But I think I like it.

I’ve been lazy with TOM however it looks as though this month will not be a bad one (pain wise). I really thought I was on my deathbed last month. I didn’t even have to take off from work though there were 2 separate hour blocks in particular where I wasn’t sure. I wonder if cutting back on carbs helped or if I’m just lucky this month (knock on wood).

Darn, I really wanted those placemats.

I'm So Verdy Tired

Well TOM has thrown a wrench into my plans to begin an exercise program. It’s a minor setback. My current plan is to count calories. I’d like to work on staying under 1600 calories and once that feels normal I’ll reduce to 1200-1400 calories a day. I’m not totally going off the low carb diet, meaning I’m not going to have bread, rice, potatoes, etc at every meal. I’m not quite sure how I’m working this out. Dinner will continue to be low carb because MLG is on South Beach. This is not difficult because I’ve never been good at making side dishes anyway. I’ve always cooked some sort of meat and tossed a bagged salad. Warming string beans isn’t difficult either and that’s pretty much the scope of my veggie eating anyway. I’m also not eating/buying any treats other than SF Popsicles and SF Jello. If I want to cheat I’ll buy something individual and eat it right then. The snack machine at work, however, is off limits, as are any boxed cookies including Oreos.

Oh Devine Gods so kind to those who suffer in the name of finding the perfect yellow, I do believe I have found my yellow.

Devine Straw, though it looks more like Devine Birch in person. It comes not in little paint chips, they give you a little bag and you can paint a square on your wall (and/or make your own chip). Finding a yellow has to be the most difficult thing I’ve tried to do regarding the house, including the day when I had to remove the alleged “paint” tape from the kitchen walls, bit by tearing, sticking bit. If this color works, and I have a strong feeling it will, then I will be so pleased.

I forgot to mention I tried dyeing curtains 2 times, once with one bottle of dye and once using 2 bottles of dye. Each time I had to run the rinse cycle until the water ran clean, which is not easy or fun. It came out a dark gray, more a faded black, think stone washed jeans, so I hung them for the time being so I can use the bathroom in private and these bad boys are on order (in lavender, backorder until the end of March). I’m never dyeing again. Not my hair, not my hand me down fabrics, nothing, finished, done.

Still Have My 21 Grams

I painted the wood laminate cabinets in the bathroom a semi-gloss black and that was a huge difference and one I really love. I added the crystal knobs from Restoration Hardware that also dress up the vanity and make it way more girlie.

I didn’t realize I could put the knobs in the upper corners, I thought it had to be in the middle, until we were watching 21 Grams yesterday and saw that Naomi’s cabinets had knobs in the corners. I hope it doesn’t look too freaky. And I apologize to Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for looking at Naomi’s kitchen cabinets rather than paying better attention to the movie, it was really good, despite 2 people leaving and 2 other women saying, “did you get it?” at the end as we were leaving.

Um, yeah, knobs go in the corner, so you can reach them easier.

(It’s the rural south you know, it’s amazing it’s even playing here).

Evil Root

Wow, I just wrote a 2-page post and deleted it. Ooookkkaaayyy.

I know I keep saying this but I’m seriously considering dropping the low carb diet and just counting calories. I know I had problems with this in the past (May 2003 – February 2004) but I think I can really do it now and would really like to add back the variety in my diet, especially Subway because I swear that’s the lowest amount of calories for lunch and still feel full and satiated that’s around. Worst case is I find I can’t do it and am still overeating and go back on the low carb. Oddly enough I know I can do low carb, it is do-able but variety somehow seems nicer especially if I have to count calories either way.

It’s not the bread or potatoes. I don’t crave either. But some variety would be nice. I can’t believe that potatoes, naturally grown, straight from earth potatoes can be the root (root, ha ha, vegetable humor) of all evil in the universe, or diet world at least.

I’m still thinking about it, haven’t made any decisions.

I also must exercise. I have to make exercise a habit. I’m determined to do this, starting Monday. Ever notice anytime you want to start something on Monday when Monday comes it never seems to happen. But I’m serious, Monday! If I could just get into a schedule it won’t be so bad.

Really. No really. Really. I promise.

I’ve been reading a lot of last year’s journal entries. Some are pure crap but some are really interesting. At first I felt like I was miles away from who I was last year but the more I read it the more I feel pretty close to that girl.

Damn I miss that pink track suit.

Do it for the track suit!!!!

I am 160.5 pounds. Was happy about it until I realized I’m exactly the same weight I was on January 2. But it was a loss so… it was a loss.

I will finish the bathroom this weekend and have pictures posted on Monday (it looks really cool)
I will start doing something in the yard this weekend, hopefully.
I will cook dinner for my man tonight.

Someone planted trees in front of the office building I work at. Most of the time I hate them because they’ve gotten so big they block my view and I stare at an ugly ass tree all day. But being Spring and all, it’s now bloomed pretty white (smelly) flowers. This has also brought out bees and right now there’s about (at least) 20 bees flying around right outside my window. Every once and a while one will bang into the window of my office. Still don’t believe I attract bugs? They’re after me! Shudder.

The Impossible

Somehow I stayed under 1400 calories yesterday. After eating 3 wings (6 parts) I really thought I had done the impossible and by the time MLG got home I was sure I would cheat but I ate a SF jello and sucked it up. At 5 am I weighed 161 but being the freak of nature that I am (weighing twice in a day), I weighed 162 by 7:45 am, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleepwalk and eat something in between. I was hoping it would be lower but that’s what I get.

Woke up hungry and laughed at the bring to work collection: one quiche cup, one string cheese, one SF jello, three mini stalks of celery with low carb peanut butter. I could eat that in one sitting no problem. The quiche cup really works wonders, though I only have to wait 2 hours for the string cheese. Lunch we got huge salads from Lowes Food (I love their salad bar) and stalked the cracker aisle in search of the most carb friendly cracker type substance we could find. Mini bagel chips looked most promising, with 5 mini bagels coming in at 8 carbs (55 calories) so we purchased those. The picture on the outside shows the chips at oh about 2 inches big, but upon opening the package they are more about ¾ inch per chip. Great.

I grabbed my 8 and thought for sure I’d be digging my hand back in for more later but 8 was fine. I spread them out while eating the salad.

My first attempt to get to work at 8 am landed me here at 8:38 so my plan was foiled. I feel really weak anyway now that I’ve cut back calories. And I did spend a good 3 hours on painting the bathroom last night. It’s amazing to me how it looks so tiny and easy but it’s really a pain. Paint dripped everywhere and had to be scraped up by my fingernail. It’s time for me to drill holes in the cabinets for the new pulls I bought and I’m scared I’m totally going to ruin them (though now that they’re painted black MLG would contest that they already are ruined) and drill in the wrong place or the drill won’t work and I’ll have half a hole or splintered drawer. I’m really ready for it to just come together already and be done with it.

From there I’d really like to rip up the yard. At least get the 2 bushes out (prickly waste of space bastards) and the two trees that were stumps that tried to regrow. Sad little fellows. They must go.

Then I have to pick a yellow for the halls. Pressure’s on.

Decisions, Decisions

I added myself to Kat’s “Fit Portal”. It took me a few days to figure out what category to put myself. South Beach? No, no, hardly committed to that. Basically kicking ass? Well, I’m not really kicking ass. I’m more lazy ass. Low calorie? Well, that’s subjective. I just found out The Zone diet is 850 calories a day and I thought that was unhealthy and would land your scrawny ass in starvation mode. Well I’ve always been a calorie counter and it would have to be low calorie in order to lose weight and I did lose 67.5 pounds (though have gained back 30) counting calories so after much deliberation I chose Low Calorie.

You must go now and add yourself. I’ll be happy to help you pick your category.

I spent 240something dollars yesterday getting my hair highlighted (low lights and highlights) and buying shampoo, conditioner, and styling product, and 20% tip (on service portion only). Damn. I have the dimension I asked for, little lines of color in my hair but, sigh, I don’t know. I don’t think I look as bright anymore. Brown is hard to add to your hair. It never looks right. It’s common knowledge. So I’m just going to keep it and see how it grows and fades on me. MLG made me promise I’d go see a lady who is one of his colleague’s partner in the future. That is if I don’t color it all back myself in a couple weeks.

Who knows.

I’ve decided as of today that I’m going to remain low carb but count my calories. I’m starting today, right now on Fitday. I’m already at 810 calories after lunch, which is normally where I am at this time when I diet. It’s dinner that always gets me. And this doesn’t include my 4 pm snack, which adds another 90 calories (1 tablespoon of low carb peanut butter on celery sticks).

I’m totally doing this. I had another gain today. And, and I tried on that size 10 dress yesterday and though it made it (barely) over my hips and I could hook the little hook on the side to help with the zipper, I can’t get the zipper over the fleshy upper torso (and I don’t have big boobs despite gaining 30 pounds). I think I can do it with 10 pounds off. I know this is highly unlikely to happen by April 9.

I’m also going to do my damnedest to get to work by 8 am so I can leave at 5. My plan is to go directly from work to the gym and work out for 30 sweaty minutes and go home. I should make it home only a bit later than I do now but with a workout behind me. I really don’t want to do this but I’m… going to… do it… anyway. I want to do this all 5 workdays, since skipping a day usually leads to 2 days. On the weekends we often go for a long walk (we walked 26 blocks last Saturday) or I have a house project, like the bathroom (up the ladder, down the ladder, move the ladder, up the ladder, down the ladder, curse the ladder).

I’m losing this weight! Here me now you stupid size 10 items in my closet that I can’t wear. I’ll get you my pretty.

We tried the new Spinach Salad at Wendy’s today. I had to get it with Ranch rather than the Sweet and Sour dressing and skip the croutons. This salad rocked. I really really liked it. I think with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese it could really be sensational. I highly recommend this salad.

I’ve also decided, I think I mentioned this yesterday, that I’m no longer buying nuts or SF candy. I obviously can’t control myself so it’s best to not have it. Plus, it’s making me quite gassy and it’s embarrassing, not to mention uncomfortable (being a polite southern woman and all).

Hunger Pain

Okay I had my mom and MLG in the same room yesterday and it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell them both about the book deal. But my anonymity stopped me. I know they’d search it out, somebody would, some relative would find out, google it, and tell everybody else, so I waited.

Today I thought, well hey, I’ll try to google myself and see how difficult it is. I couldn’t find it in a multitude of searches including, Diet Blog (which is odd I think) until I took my first name, that’s nowhere in this blog except the comments (that aren’t traceable through google), and then put Diet Blog after it.

First result!

How is that possible? I totally don’t understand it. My name is nowhere and my “cache”, whatever that is, doesn’t even show my name. If there is anyone who knows why this happened and how I can change it please email me or leave a comment.

I hate this diet. I’m up again. I was this close to eating Oreos for breakfast but agreed to wait and see what the results are tomorrow. Everyone knows you aren’t supposed to weigh yourself everyday so it’s unfair to take this opportunity to break a two week fast from Oreos because I’m upset about some water weight.

I just don’t think my hunger has reduced and therefore I’m still eating too much. The whole reason I wanted to do South Beach is because I thought it would help my hunger problems and enable me to eat less and therefore lose weight. But I’m still hungry and still (obviously) eating too much.

I’ll just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow. Mom scoffed at the fact that I’ve only lost 4 pounds and then today I showed a 1.5 gain. It’s very frustrating to not be able to sustain a loss. I understand fluctuations but I’m sick of this up-down-up-down thing that’s been going on since January. Being in the 160s is unacceptable. Completely unacceptable and yet part of me is thinking it’s okay because I’m not gaining. It’s not okay. I’m too fat. My belly is disgusting. And yet for some reason I’m not pissed off enough about it to make a better effort. I don’t understand it. I miss my old fire. I miss that old feeling that was so determined. I feel defeated without even trying. It’s almost like I know even if I do lose it again I’ll either have to remain hungry most of the time or gain it back again and be right back here again. Again. Again. Again. My whole life on recycle.

I’m sick of it.

And yet it is what it is so I put this half assed attempt into trying to do something about it. No fire, no determination, just go. Just doing it because I can’t not do it. Opportunities to cheat come up all the time. I actually thought about going to McDonald’s and getting a value meal and eat it in the parking lot so no one could see me. And then I thought is that what I’m going to become? I’m going to hide eating? I’m going to be one of those people. Hide my bags and wrappers deep in the trash, brush my teeth after eating. I refuse to do that (though I in no way debunk good oral hygiene). I’m not even craving a value meal. I just want to eat all the time. I’m still trying to deal with my stress by eating. I’m still trying to fill a void by eating.

Something I have to think about.

Easter Egg Color

We decided to have a cheat meal on Friday night. Ran through about 50 restaurants purposely skipping pizza joints because that was the one thing I didn’t want though that’s what MLG wanted. I wasn’t really craving BREAD or anything, I just wanted to be able to eat without thinking, oh no can’t have that because of the Beach, can only eat overpriced salads when we go out, oh shoot should I have the chicken Caesar salad or the grilled chicken salad because that’s all the fuck I can have so pick one.

Last moment we settled on an Italian restaurant we’ve been meaning to try out. I was severely underdressed including flipflops, like last year’s flipflops, not even new ones (gasp), and had a strawberry stain on my t-shirt (hi, phase II), your regular backwoods redneck, who will of course order Chicken Parmesan.

The bread was to die for and I’m not just saying that because of South Beach. It was buttered with a gazillion pieces of garlic on top, oh my. The Chicken Parmesan (tee hee) was good but the pasta was just okay. We stopped at Cold Stone on the way home and I got the largest Chocolate Devotion they make and ate it until I couldn’t eat anymore and tossed the rest.

Next day maintain, back on diet. Sunday, gain ½ pound, due to cheat meal I think, and Monday lose 2.5 pounds. Whoa. But then again, bastard scale couldn’t put me in the 150s, oh hell no.

I have a size 10 dress, sitting right next to me that I have to fit into by April 10th. Not to mention I have to find yellow shoes.

MLG does not like the bathroom color. He calls it pink but really it’s lilac. I wanted it to be a little different, certainly girlie, and not too dark because I wanted to paint the cabinets and towel racks black.

But damn that’s one bright ass color. A bit Eastery. I’m hoping once it’s completed and everything is put back in the room it’ll look all right. It does look nice when all the lights are off. And god help me I don’t want to repaint.

I can usually pick about 3 colors right and then one color off a bit so it makes sense. I start getting a swelled head thinking I can make anything look good and start thinking dramatic, crazy really. And that’s where Easter Lilac comes in. But I’m still holding out. I have a vision. A Lulu Guinness vision (scroll to scented candle). Needless to say I’m now scared shitless over the yellow for the halls. I’m unfamiliar with yellow. I’ve never chosen it. I can recognize yellows I don’t like but it’s hard to find one I do like. And it’s all the halls. Upstairs and down, basically the largest space so the color is the most important color decision, and I pick yellow, the hardest color.

On top of that while I was ruining our bathroom getting the Lilac mixed, MLG picked out some gray/greens for the hall. And since he’s not happy with the bathroom I feel like I have to choose one of the colors he got. To make amends. To say I know I went funky on our bathroom and it’ll get funny looks from every visitor we ever have so I’ll pick one of these g-g-g-grrrreeeeeeeennnnnn colors so you can say, “hey I picked this one out.”

Friday Weigh Day

But every day is weigh day!!!

Guess what I have?




Wow, daffodils. I’ve never had daffodils.

Latch Key Kitty in action. Momma, please don’t leave us!!!




Man that photo makes the walls and baseboards look white and refreshing. They aren't like that at all. They're Institutional Off White and have nicks and are dirty. Though really I didn't have to tell you and you'd think, damn her baseboards look nice and bright.

Gained a pound. Fuck. And I can no longer wear the pants I wore last week. I’d say the diet doesn’t work for me but I did average a pound lost a week and really that’s not too bad. The next week will be the deciding factor. If I gain this week then I have to do something else. If this next week shows a loss then I should continue on.

Very disappointing morning.

I know I wasn’t perfect on the South Beach Diet and maybe I should really do 2 weeks hard core. I’m thinking I'll have a free meal tonight and really dig into it for 2 weeks. I only say this because I bought a dress a size down for the wedding at the end of next month and even if I average a pound a week I doubt it’ll be enough to fit in the dress. I really wanted a good jump start. I think tomorrow I’m really going to do the diet exactly the way you’re supposed to, counting the nuts, counting the calories of sweet treats, don’t eat foods that are on the don’t eat list even if they fall under the Atkins Clause (i.e. chicken wings and other meats high in fat).

Speaking of high in fat, I purchased regular bacon to prepare the next batch of Quiche Cups. I had to almost immediately change pans because there was about ¼ cup of fat collecting in the corner of the pan about to run over the side. Then I burned the first bunch because oddly enough that fat deep fries the bacon. So I had to carefully monitor the bacon as I was getting zapped by bacon fat and it was landing in a 3 foot radius around my kitchen. Turkey bacon is very clean. It doesn’t form fat puddles in the pan. I don’t get stuck with a bowl of fat that has to cool and then I have to figure out what the heck to do with the dried up bacon fat. I don’t really like fat sitting out in the kitchen during bug season, or any season, waiting to harden and I don’t like scraping it out when it’s dry. It’s disgusting. So it’s back to turkey bacon. Or Canadian bacon if I could find a branch that didn’t have that grizzly fat running through the circle.

I just read something that said eating sugar free candy might still spike your sugar. That sucks but I like having the SF candy because I won’t binge on it, lest get very sick. Trust me, I already tried.

Damn this is depressing. I really thought I had made a turnaround. I know my calories are still too high.

A Free Day Will Cost You

Down another pound.

Who was the ass wipe who started, “well you didn’t gain that weight in a day, did ya, you sure ain’t gonna lose it in a day either,” because fuck him, I gained 4 pounds in a day and fuck if it’s taking all week to lose it and that’s if I lose it.

I mean damn, everyone should be entitled to a free day a week but not if it costs you everything you’ve worked for the previous week and the week following too. It’s not fair, man, not fair.

I haven’t thought about what happens after tomorrow, Phase I of South Beach is supposed to bid his farewell, seeing how I’ll be up from last week, I may have to stay in Phase I, and be pissy about it since a cheat will cost me so damn much. Or move into Phase II, suck it up, and work on eating like normal people.

I was so hungry yesterday. I ate every single trace nut I could find in my desk, except the almonds because they really suck when not coated in chocolate, and about 4 pieces of sugar free chocolate, carefully spaced out to avoid the wrath of sugar alcohol. I had 3 eggs, a ton of chicken salad, the soup, a lot of chicken wings I grilled last night (mind you chicken wings are not permitted on SBD but does fall under our personally implemented Atkins Clause, whereby if it’s okay on Atkins, it’s okay by us), about 3 big bites of my homemade chicken salad, and a piece of string cheese and a SF jello. I lost a pound eating all that stuff. Amazing.

Mom’s like my shopping crack ho pimp. She actually said the other day that MLG might be waiting to propose until I pay off my credit card. Gasp! The horror! Then she emailed me yesterday $17 chargers she found in her Crate and Barrel catalog. Hello, mean.

I gots somethin’ nice for ya right over here. Come on baby, you know you want it. You know you gots to have it. It’ll make you feel so good. And I knows where you can find it.

Damage Control

Down ½ pound. Thank god. Though I’m still up 2.5 pounds from Friday.

Somehow my hair coloring has gone awry. I don’t know why exactly it’s so hard to count ahead 45 minutes when it’s 6:20 but it took me 3 re-adds to make sure and some hand maneuvering, ½ hour is half, and then add a quarter, but I had it at 7:05 and started cleaning the master bath. Somehow that took 45 minutes, granted I did empty and wash the litter box and clean out the tub drain of water blocking hair, but 45 minutes seemed a bit long, and I didn’t even finish. So I’m thinking maybe it was 6:40 and I messed it all up. Anyway it’s a bit red. I’ll be washing with the purple shampoo for the next week and if it doesn’t go away I have to recolor. And I don’t know if my coarse ass hair can take it. And all I’m thinking is, I’m a professional working woman. I make pretty damn good money. Why am I coloring my own damn hair and making it this clown ass red. I should be sipping lemonade while someone tells me about their boyfriend and I’m staring at how freaking big my neck is in a smock. I don’t get it.

What else is weird is having a house so large that you can only have one clean room at the time. Like right now we have, or had until MLG shaved this morning, a clean bathroom. Step outside the bathroom you’re liable to be eaten by a very large dust bunny but in the bathroom you’re safe and it’s tranquil, and it’s clean.

After Lunch Buddy said my hair looked red and I needed some ash blonde (bleck!) I called the hair salon immediately upon return from lunch and got an appointment, “with your best colorist please, I’ll wait, put me on a waiting list, I don’t care.” So I’ve got an appointment next Tuesday to get exactly what I want to do with my hair with their best colorist.

See debt reduction is easy.

At lunch I asked if I could get the French Onion soup without croutons. She immediately said, “South Beach?”

“Yeah.”

“I can spot them a mile away. It’s when they say, ‘no croutons.’”

Great. I really enjoyed the French Onion soup. Nothing was lost without the croutons. I also had chicken salad. It was a really good lunch.

MLG really enjoys the quiche cups so I’m going to continue to make some. I’ve decided to use regular bacon because for some reason cooking turkey bacon seems to give me free license to eat a bunch of bacon while I’m cooking. If I know bacon is bad and has to be used sparingly, I won’t eat any. Okay, maybe one.

Ever since this book has become public and seems somewhat more real, I’ve really wanted to tell someone. It’s a dream for me to be a published writer. I’ve been told countless times I need to write a diet book. This book that Erin wants to do is exactly what I’ve wanted to do, to make it about the story, the journey, and not so much the recipes and how to diet. This is hugely exciting. And MLG is the one who should know first. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. He should know everything important going on in my life. But it brings with it a host of issues. He’d know I lost 70 pounds right before he met me. He’d know the entire story of our relationship and some before him are on the Internet. He’d know my anxieties about getting engaged. I just don’t know the proper context to say it.

“Um, hey hon, looks like I’ll helping to write a book that will be published. Published, can you believe it?”

“That’s cool. What’s it about?”

“Weight loss.”

“You mean the 4 pounds you lost has given you a book deal. That’s impressive. How did you get involved?”

“Oh my on-line journal that I’ve had almost 3 years now. She likes me. She really really likes me.”

“Am I in the journal?”

“Oh sure, my entire on line dating stories are documented in full detail. Plus a lot about the guys I’ve dated in the past”

“But I don’t understand how you got a book deal from losing 4 pounds and having a dating blog.”

“Babe, it’s not a dating blog. I lost 70 pounds right before I met you. I’ve been documenting weight loss for ages. It’s a weight loss blog”

“But why would they want you. You’ve gained what, 30 pounds since I’ve met you. You can’t seem to lose weight. You’re a total failure. A has-been. A yo-yo dieter, the lowest of the low in the diet world. And not only that you’ve been writing about me without even telling me. I wanted to go into politics. This could completely jeopardize my future. And come to find out, you’re really a fatty and you’ll probably gain all your weight back. I met you thin. I thought you were thin but you’re not. You’re really a fat girl who had a couple months in a thin girl’s body. That’s it, we’re through. Get outta my car. Go back and live with mommy. You can’t break out from under her wing anyway. Career ruiner!”

I think it would go something like that so I’m a bit hesitant.

News!

Holy cow, have you heard? I want to tell my family and stuff but then they’ll want the blog address and I’ll have to censor myself and not disclose things like how I want to arrange the pictures in the bathroom differently then my mom wants and she’ll stop talking to me or worse mention it every single time she visits.

Pressing On

Gained another half pound yesterday. Just finished adding up my calories for the day yesterday and I was at a little under 1700. Not sure what to make of it. Will continue pressing on I suppose.

I swear to god I have to somehow find a way to get my hair colored tonight.

Last night after shopping with my mom at TJ Maxx, we met my brother and MLG at a restaurant. I did have wings and ribs, both I believe no-no’s on South Beach, but they didn’t have any sauce on them and I ate only half of my meal. It was still a lot of food so that probably accounts for the half pound gain, though I was spot on treat wise and everything else. Dur.

I’ve decided to really put some serious effort in getting my credit cards paid off. This means, and I hope I can stick to this, absolutely no more house purchases or clothing purchases until the credit cards are paid off. This was my original commitment to MLG and I’ve been buying stuff regularly for the house and bought a couple skirts and I just bought a dress for a wedding we’re going to next month, a size down mind you. So except for shoes, I did skip buying the $90 shoes that went with the dress to get something cheaper, I’m done. Once the credit cards are gone I’ll take over one of his bills and have a good amount a month to purchase at will. I don’t understand why that’s so hard for me. It sounds ridiculous to even write. This should happen in JUNE. There it’s in stone.

Of course I’ve barely made it today. Anthropologie has amethyst colored drawer pulls that would look really pretty in the downstairs bath. I’ve decided to wait and see how the clear ones I bought from Restoration Hardware turn out first. I can always move the Restoration ones to the master bath and then buy the amethyst later.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned, if you had lunch with me I’d certainly tell you at least once during the course of the meal, but Caesar salad doesn’t quite have the same effect without the croutons. They really make the salad.

We had lunch outside today, it’s mid-70s here today, and a gigantic cockroach came strolling up the sidewalk. I freaked and got up and moved around the table as he past our table and went down the line of tables. The next table, the guy didn’t see him, and the next table the guy lifted his legs, the next table had 3 girls and they all got up and moved (like I did as Lunch Buddy casually lifted her purse out of his way), the next table a guy squashed it.

He was as big as a small mouse, no lie. In broad daylight. Must definitely spray the house tonight.

Weekend Wrap Up and Thoughts

Saturday was a cheat day. I knew it would be. This day was already planned for MLG to go out of town for a conference and I was going to spend the day shopping. It COULD be done but it wasn’t necessarily what I intended. I still didn’t go crazy but it resulted in a 2.5 pound gain that I haven’t yet to lose. Yesterday I was suffering dizziness/lack of concentration, I hate that feeling and was going to cheat thinking some carbs would help but instead got a small pack of cashews and pretty much evened out. I couldn’t tell if it was the stress of the day, or a nightmare day at Office Depot. Anyway it passed.

Can I just say turkey bacon looks gross and tastes pretty darn close to bologna. But fried bologna is good so it was a weird way to experience a true yuppie food. I retried the Veggie Quiche cups with no spinach and turkey bacon and it was much better. Still tastes a little weird, overcooked eggs, bit watery around the edges, but tolerable for breakfast.

Since I didn’t lose anything yesterday I decided to count my calories for today and just see what I’m pulling in. Of course counting calories will probably make me eat less so I may be messing the whole experiment up.

The weekend flew by spending Saturday out of town and Sunday running around doing MLG errands. I had time on Sunday only to prepare a bunch of foods, chicken salad, quiche cups, including frying up the turkey bacon and watch the Oscars. There’s so much to do around the house (and I need to color my hair) I can’t even tell you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this diet and what’s going to happen after Friday. The good points I like about the diet are eating foods that do a better job of making me full, the proteins and fats (healthy ones). I enjoy having a small portion of nuts in my diet. I also like having the morning and afternoon snacks so I don’t really get hungry at work. I also like have an allotted amount of calories for sweets, that way I can have sweets but am forced to spend the majority of my calories on healthy foods. What I don’t like is some of the “weird” foods, especially all the sugar free substitutes. I understand that sugar makes you crave more sugar and that’s something I’ll have to be aware of and work around but I don’t see how all this artificial stuff can possibly be better than natural sugar. After this week the only artificial sweeteners I’m continuing are in my diet sodas (I actually prefer diet sodas now anyway). I want to add back bread on a very limited basis and I’m quite happy with eating sour dough or whole wheat when those options are available. I want fruit to come back full force, whatever I want, no limitations. I can’t possibly see how fruit can be bad for you in moderation. And yogurt, the kind I like, will be okay to eat too. Root vegetables are also healthy so baked potatoes and mashed potatoes are going back into my diet, I don’t really overeat potatoes anyway unless they are fries.

What I want to come out of this with is eating healthier foods. Being aware what my blood sugar may be doing with my cravings and modifying my diet as needed, like if I freak out from bread and start eating too much food, then I’m cutting back. Eating balanced meals with real foods, not processed/packaged foods, staying in the perimeter of the grocery store whenever possible. Reducing sweets to a very small portion and staying in that range. I’m not sure what will happen but this is my goal, what I’d like to see happen. A nutritious Diet Chick, how weird would that be?

And oddly enough, though it takes up a tremendous amount of time and messes up the kitchen, I really like cooking. I’d really like to start preparing dinner though I’ll lose even more time (and I have so little).