Round Up Friday

Well I’m down 4.5 pounds thanks to South Beach Diet, including the cheat half day last Sunday. I’m very pleased with this. My energy level has not gotten any worse and I could maybe say it’s a little better, maybe not physically but emotionally.

For dinner I couldn’t manage to eat more than an ounce or two of turkey. I did eat 2 SF Popsicles and some SF Jell-O but even that was too icky to eat too much. MLG suggested we go to a late movie and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to manage without popcorn so I didn’t want to eat too much just in case. That’s why I had 1 Popsicle when I got home and a couple hours later had the other one. Then when he got home we decided it was too late for a movie and I was relieved because I didn’t think I’d be able to say no to popcorn once I smelled it.

For breakfast today I brought 4-1/2 sticks of celery and a tablespoon of Carb Options peanut butter. Midmorning I had a string cheese. Lunch was at one of my favorite girlie delis, chicken salad and small Caesar salad. I had to turn down the French bread they hand out and the croutons and I really wanted soup but there were none that I could have. It was very very good. Lunch Buddy and I also bought some fancy sugar free chocolates and I had 2 of those.

I’m currently drinking my afternoon liter of water.

What I’m enjoying the most is recognizing that I can bring all this food to work and stretch out eating it. Today I brought the peanut butter, celery, string cheese, pistachios, and a SF Reece cup and I was fine eating each part separately. The pistachios and SF Reece are still sitting in my desk drawer. This is big for me because I used to try to bring my lunch and would eat it around 10 am after having breakfast. I think I should not have carbs for breakfast in the future and maybe I will continue to be this way about having food around me at work. Maybe the yogurt (190 cals) or Oreos (270 cals), my standard breakfast for the past 2 years makes me hungry. Who knows?

I don’t have much else to say. Yesterday was a lazy night and we went to bed pretty early. Nothing exciting to report.

But a weight loss! Hello.

Brief Recap and Current Standings

I was gaining from 2-3 pounds a week with an out of control feeling of not being able to stop eating. Feelings of hopelessness that sparks uncontrollable binging were setting in for a course that I believed would land me back at 199 pounds. I tried several unsuccessful attempts to return to my old diet that lost me 67 pounds last year. I was unsuccessful given several factors most notably my change in lifestyle was making it impossible for me to starve myself during dinner (on days that I had used up all my calories, usually on junk) which I did most nights on my other diet sometimes going to bed at 7 or 8 to curtail hunger pains. Several people told me to try something different some offering up South Beach as a suggestion. At first I protested because I recognize that it’s not something I can do forever but a couple more days of binging enticed me to buy the book and read up on it. Also MLG agreed that he’d like to try it too, being in the same boat as myself.

The first two weeks are an introductory period where you cut bad carbs from your diet to cleanse yourself from the cravings that make you so darn hungry. Bad carbs being pretty much my entire diet for the past 6 months. They say the more junk food laden your previous diet was the more difficulty you’ll have in this period, hence why I’m so freaking tired and irritable and bad miserable journal writer that brings out phantom comment makers.

At the same time I’ve gained the cooking prowess of Bridget Jones, and I’m actually a good cook, so it’s disconcerting to me, not to mention a waste of money.

This diet, though I do admit it is not fun, is helping me in many ways. I’ve lost 3.5 pounds since last Friday. The same pants I wore last Friday, though still tight, will not have to be unzipped when I eat my lunch today. That’s huge. Also, I just ate about 2 oz of turkey breast and a string cheese and it’s 10 am and I’m not scheming someway to get some Oreos from the snack machine right now. I’m hungry but in a different way. It’s not a seek another fix way. It’s a I’ll be okay until lunch way, boring ass lunch, but lunch nonetheless.

I’m not going to defend my diet choices or change my diet to make my posts more enjoyable to read or invoke some jolly happy look at my diet feeling that I just don’t have. It is what it is. I’m giving an honest take on this diet. That doesn’t mean the diet doesn’t work or I’m not gaining a lot of insight from it. My eating sugar, craving sugar, eating more sugar cycle seems very clear to me now. After next Friday I’ll be incorporating a piece of fruit and a sandwich to my daily meals and I think will improve the boringness of the diet greatly. But I’m doing the two weeks, for the weight loss and hopefully for the added benefit of being able to not crave sweets so badly. Get a little grasp on myself. I thought that would be a good thing. Willpower isn’t born because you want it. Sometimes hopelessness can derail whatever you want to happen. It’s a time to give things a change. Shake the system up a bit. And then reassess from there.

I baked my first turkey last night, technically only the breast, but damn I felt proud of my little not too dry 7-pound turkey. We munched on a lot of it so much that I thought for sure I’d show a gain today. It was so good and it was so nice to be eating something that tasted good. I even lost another half pound today.

I also attempted the infamous Veggie Quiche Cups but mine turned out way too spinachy so I’m going to try them again with either less spinach or no spinach. Other than that they were really cute. MLG loves spinach and said they were great and even grabbed one for breakfast today. Score, I made my man some breakfast. I also made sugar free jello. It’s all Martha Stewarty at my house, what can I say.

MLG had a bad day yesterday. He didn’t cheat but he was feeling very low and glum about his weight. We decided to get back into our gym routine no matter what time he comes home. I’ve decided, have previously decided, when we start going back to the gym, hopefully tonight, that I’m going back to working out for a half hour. I feel like I can intensify my workout better that way and working out won’t feel like such a nightmare. I’m going to bring a book with me and read in the lounge while MLG uses his full hour. It’s a decision I made that I think will work better for me.

I have nothing else to say only sometimes, I swear to god, this journal gives me more trouble than it’s worth. I almost didn’t even post today because I’m so frustrated right now. The only reason why I am posting is because I want a record of my South Beach experience. The misery I’m feeling right now I’ve had since I was about 6 years old and was put on my first diet. It’s not new to the South Beach Diet. It’s a constant companion reminding me that this will be a struggle I’ll always have. I feel it when I count calories. I feel it when I’m on any multitude of diets, I feel it when I try to eat normally and can’t, and I feel it when I binge. It’s constant. I don’t know how to make it any clearer than that. I just try to work around it. And I’m tired from lack of carbs and it’s making me tired and cranky but it’s common on this diet and is supposed to pass.

PS - Kristi has a great post about SBD that probably explains more clearly what I'm trying to write about the diet.

South Beach Diet - Day 3, Redux

For dinner last night we had ½ price wings. Before you freak out and say wings are specifically not permitted on South Beach let me just say I’m aware of this. We decided to eat the wings for the following reasons: a) dude, they're half price b) they’re grilled, not fried or breaded, and no hot sauce c) if we were on Atkins they’d be okay (we’ve implemented the Atkins clause where things that fall in as okay on Atkins are okay in moderation on South Beach). Whatever, we’re modifying okay. And besides I maintained anyway so rejoice all you want.

MLG cheated yesterday. I know, I can’t believe it. He didn’t eat breakfast (because I wasn’t prepared), nor snack, nor lunch, and grabbed a McFlurry because he, and I quote, “couldn’t eat a salad in the car.” Then he had a regular Coke for a snack. But that’s all he had all day. Then, high on his Carb Voodoo, suggested we order pizza. But no, we compromised and had outlawed wings instead. I also munched on a salad with grilled turkey slices and I gotta say not only are salads not really my thing anymore, ranch isn’t exactly my bud anymore either. I need to switch to vinaigrette whenever possible.

Then we came home and I made the worst batch of turkey salad known to man. I’m not quite sure where it went wrong. Might have been the lemon pepper. Or the oregeno. Or the mixture of the two. The onions were a bad turn too. Should have just left it bland and boring before trying to spice it up. At least I could have eaten it. I refuse to go near it now. It even smells bad. Really bad.

I did manage to make celery smeared with Carb Options peanut butter and have them saran wrapped and ready for breakfast. I’m not a fan of the Carb Options Peanut butter. I’m a regular Jif girl myself so even Skippy makes me turn up my nose. I am becoming aware now of the actual taste of artificial sweeteners. At first it was like, “oh yum, reece cup,” and I couldn’t figure out why I was fine eating only one. Because it tastes … not good. But it looks so pretty the next day you want to try again. And it’s not like it’s horrible. It just doesn’t have that sugar salt combination favored by hormonal girls around the world (or non-hormonal girls for that matter).

Snack was string cheese, the kind with a riddle on the package to spark PB Guy to giggle and say, “are you checking the dates again,” because I actually tried to eat the expired cheese yesterday in the depths of my hunger and it was indeed bad and had to spit it out. Instead I was forced to read allowed the lame riddle to prove I don’t check expiration dates, though this batch is fine, it's from Harris Teeter, the yuppie supermarket. They have like 10 kinds of string cheese. It was difficult to make a choice due to the selection. I went with the riddles because it’s like the Bazooka gum floating around the office that I can’t have. Sort of. But not really.

For lunch I bought LB and I deli chef salads downtown and mine was lame on the meat. I asked the guy what kind of ham was on the salad cause I can’t have honey ham because it tastes too damn good and he said it was boiled. Then they skimped me. I had no cheese too though technically I only asked for no cheddar. The white cheese is fine (though it’s full fat so really a no-no) and of course no freaking croutons so it was a lame small salad with very little meat. Tasteless ranch that doesn’t even taste like anything anymore. Ranch used to be so good. I ate my snack nuts after the salad because it was small so now I have no snack during 4 pm slump. And I’m 1/3rd into my liter of water. Go water go.

Oh the other thing I wanted to say regarding CHEATERS is my mom in her little pied piper ways caused me to go to TJ Maxx twice yesterday and I ended up getting some lamps I like way better than the ones I got before. She was there with a friend of the family who had practically two carts full of stuff who was munching on chocolate covered eggs. Mom says, “she’s on that diet you’re on,” and I piped up way excited, “are those sugar free,” and she popped one in her mouth, “nope.” That easy.

I’m anti-sugar even when it’s depressing like when I decided last night to get the Jif because the carb content was not that much different until MLG had to point out that the carb option was made with Splenda and so therefore I was forced to see that my beloved Jif was tainted with sugar and I had to put it back and get the aftertaste stuff. And then to maintain after all that. Ho-hum.

Bad Planning

Dinner last night was grilled chicken breast with seasonings and grilled onions and peppers. I also had SF Popsicle, SF Jell-O, and more than a few squirts of lite whipped topping. I was over 75 calories but still not very much. I was still pretty hungry around 9 pm and MLG told me to, “fight through the hunger,” so I did. I was rewarded with a 1-½ pound loss, back to the weight I was on day 3 (cheat day) and the same weight as CW on the side bar.

So here we are back again. Fighting my way into the 150s.

Breakfast is still proving difficult. I need to purchase foods for breakfast and be better prepared. We were out of string cheese that really isn’t doing it for me for breakfast anyway though it makes a good midmorning snack. I need to figure out something easy to grab that I don’t have to cook. It’s sort of my fault. We have celery I just haven’t cleaned it yet. If it was ready we could have grabbed the celery. Same with the cherry tomatoes. It’s about preparation. This diet is a lot about that. And I’m not good at preparation. I’m a grab and go kind of girl. At night I’m a lazy and don’t feel like it girl. This diet is forcing me to change that. Or starve.

So I ate a SF Jell-O for breakfast. 10 whopping calories. There are crackers in my desk drawer but I didn’t eat them. I was amazed at the thought that eating those 2 crackers would have somehow satiated me. That makes it feel like a diet. But it also makes it feel like I COULD actually be satiated. Or perhaps I’d eat the crackers and carb voodoo would kick in and I’d be eating something I shouldn’t be. Much easier to just deny yourself. Candy in the dish downstairs. DENIED. Loads of snacks in the snack machine. DENIED. I hit a bad, seriously I’m not kidding, hunger spell and it passed. Lunch soon came around and I tried the Wendy’s BLT salad. Lunch Buddy got the Spring Mix salad and we started swapping stuff (she’s back on Atkins). I got all her cherry tomatoes, which really was great. She got my cucumbers and cheese, more because I didn’t like them than couldn’t have them. Nobody got the croutons and she got the honey pecans (they might have come with hers) because I can’t eat the honey.

Now I’m drinking my afternoon liter of water and if I finish in time I get another diet coke.

Energy level was low this morning, as expected since I virtually skipped breakfast and midmorning snack. I was okay during lunch and now I’m starting to slump again, but it’s almost time for midafternoon snack, which I also forgot to bring, drats. Tonight I’m cooking a 7-pound turkey breast, which will be ready at about 10 pm. Alright, now that’s planning for you. However, left over turkey would make a great wrap (in lettuce) or turkey salad, yummy. One of my favorite delis used to make turkey salad with pistachios. Now I can make my own.

I’m doing the downstairs bathroom in Laura Ashley #3 Lilac. It looks good with all the other colors and will put a bit of punch in that bathroom. I’m going with a LuLu Guinness theme in the bathroom, the colors anyway (lilac, black, white), I won’t be doing stripes. That is if I have the energy to do anything else than swoon on the couch and watch HGTV while my turkey gets nice and dry in the oven.

First Weekend on The Beach

Friday went okay. It’s all new and fresh and exciting. You get to eat fun things like pistachios and string cheese. It’s the first salad so it’s kind of fun and tasty. Dinner we went to Golden Corral and MLG had 2 kinds of grilled fish and baked chicken (removed skin) and a salad. I had baked chicken, a salad, green beans (the only beans I like), a dollop of coleslaw, and a bunch of peel and eat shrimp. It was good and we left full but not bloated. Later in the evening we MLG had a sugar free fudgesicle and I had a sugar free jello with a squirt of light whipped topping. And we each had one sugar free mini Reece cup. You get 75 calories of treats like these a day.

Saturday we walked downtown to have breakfast at the diner. I was bummed there’d be no big blueberry muffin or eggs benedict this morning but excited about going out for breakfast anyway (one of my favorite things in life). I noticed I was tired walking the 8 blocks downtown but figured I’d be fine after eating breakfast. I had 2 scrambled eggs with country ham (it’s not honey ham so I’m considering it okay) and MLG had a western omelet. Walking back home was still really hard but I thought maybe because it was unusually warm and I had on velour. I rested on the couch when we got home. About ½ hour later we grabbed a couple string cheeses and I had 15 nuts and we ran errands. Lots of window shopping all over town. About 3 hours of shopping and driving and walking. We got some chicken salad from the deli and munched on that. When we got home we took a nap. I felt like I had swum about 20 laps. But shopping CAN make you tired so I let it go. For dinner we were starved. I was too tired to grill out (plus it was dark out and warm so I was afraid there might be bugs out back if I tried to grill – I know I’m a freak). I made a large Caesar salad and used the rest of the chicken salad (so between us we had eaten 1 pound of chicken salad today). We were still starved. Well MLG was starved I was just starting to have this overwhelming feeling of defeat.

We bought a precooked turkey breast from the grocery store and I picked at it dipping it in ranch, probably had about 3 oz and pushed the rest away feeling no more satiated. MLG had the rest of the breast.

Sunday I awoke very tired. MLG hopped off to work. I got up and fixed 4 eggs and 6 slices of Canadian bacon. I felt this same sense of defeat as I was cooking. My heart was not in it (though I cooked a perfect batch of eggs). I ate 3 slices of the bacon and about 3 eggs and felt nothing. Not full, not hungry, not satiated, nothing really. Then I attempted to finish up the dining room. I was sweaty, granted it was right in front of the window and it was sunny and the heat was making me tired. I couldn’t satiate my thirst. I kept taking breaks. MLG was now home and saw my state. I sat on the couch with ¼ of a window left to scrap (of course it is a 10 foot window) and couldn’t find the energy to do it.

He came over and sat with me and said, “I think we should cheat today. You’re absolutely miserable.” It was just going to be a meal, just to give me some energy. He gave me this little speech about weaning ourselves from carbs. It would just be a mini break and then right back on plan. I agreed though I couldn’t even think of what I wanted to eat. We sat there for a minute while I gathered the energy to shower and he said, “what if I didn’t cheat?” and I said, “then I’m not cheating.” And he said he would. I didn’t even know if I wanted to cheat. I just wanted some energy. But if I was going to cheat it was going to be good.

I took a shower and fixed my hair, first shower all weekend and I needed it. I hoped that alone would help my spirits but it did very little but give me a great hair day. I gave him 3 restaurant ideas and we ended up at a downtown grill (where I wanted to have our last meal) and I had a grilled chicken sandwich and French onion soup and MLG had a grilled chicken sandwich and fries. Then we walked over for a scoop of icecream (that rocked). We headed home for a short spell and I finished most of the dining room up, feeling tons better. Then we went to the movies and had popcorn and home to finish the room. For dinner we had a cheap frozen pizza and I had a yogurt and MLG had an English muffin with peanut butter.

Today we’re back on plan and hoping I fare better this time. Some of it was going through the hard 3 days on the weekend. It’s easier at work because you’re working and distracted and have set breaks to eat (and nothing in the vending machine that I can eat anyway). I thought the weekend would be better because I wouldn’t have to deal with being tired at work. I’m naturally very lazy so anything that adds to my tiredness is not good.

I lost 2 pounds the first day and a pound the second day. I gained 1-½ pounds yesterday so I’m down 1-½ total.

I’m hungry right now BTW and am debating eating my afternoon snack. I need to have a better breakfast plan. I had 2 string cheese and a sugar free jello cup.

Lunch was McD’s grilled bacon ranch salad. Pistachios at 4.

Happy South Beach Diet

We had a huge dinner last night. I wanted French onion soup and a grilled chicken sandwich downtown but MLG said, “it’s our last meal.” So we went across the bridge to a cajun restaurant. I was all about dessert (Mississippi Mud Pie) but was too full after soup, bread, and fried shrimp. Then we moseyed over to the grocery store to get some staples for today. Thank god they had a liter bottle of Aquafina for me to guzzle while pinching my nose sip at work. They didn’t however have pistachios, though a nice pack of chicken wings was growing bacteria sitting on the shelf in the nut department. I grabbed a can of almonds, cashews, and pecans (all in one can, not 3 cans). Grabbed some water, and grabbed the only pack of string cheese in the store, and we headed home. But first we stopped at our local convenience store and got Ben and Jerry’s Icecream pops and pistachios.

You know when you drink a lot of alcohol and you wake up in the middle of the night to find yourself still drunk. Well I woke up at 5 am to use the bathroom and was still as full. Eggs would be out of the question (plus I was late for work). I grabbed two string cheeses and my pistachios and was out the door. I noticed putting the string cheese in the mini fridge at work that they are dated 2/4/04 (fuck) and they aren’t from what I can gather low fat and I think they have to be low fat. So now it’s 11:40 am and my stomach’s growling and I’m not supposed to let myself get hungry and yet I am and I’m afraid to eat the string cheese because not only is it old but full fat. In 20 minutes I get a salad.

I’m fucking ravenous. And bitchy.

MLG refused to weigh in. Refused to know himself and not tell me, refused backwards weighing where only I would know the weight (and I’d never judge. It doesn’t matter to me). I really want to know how much he loses in the first 2 weeks but he adamantly refused. So it’s just me with figures though I’m holding them for now to see if this is actually going to work. I’m sick of posting gains.

Lunch was Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad from McDonalds. Had a bit of distress that the Caesar dressing had 4 grams of carbs and I can only have 3 but I was so freaking hungry I ate it anyway only to find out that it’s less than 3 sugars and it had 2. So the salad was perfect for the diet and very good too. I’ve always enjoyed salads and like many forms of salads so I don’t think I’ll grow tired of them (still a bit early to make that declaration).

Snack Musings
Number of pistachios in small packet: 36
Number of pistachios outside of shell already when pack was open: 1
Seconds it took to put that pistachio in my mouth: <1
Number of times had to recount 30 (I mean, 29) pistachios because I kept leaving out the one I popped in my mouth: 3
Number of pistachios unable to open with bare hands: about 30
Number of pistachios lost when they flung to the other side of my desk using scissors to crack them open: 1
Number of pistachios that rolled on the floor before I could catch them using scissors to crack them open: 3
Number of fingers sliced using scissors to open pistachios: 0
Number of unopenable pistachios: 1
Number of rotten pistachios eaten that had to be spit into the garbage: 1
Number of pistachios eaten: 30
Enjoyable level of snack (out of 10): 10

Number of liters of water drank as of 4 pm: 1
Number of trips to bathroom since 8:30 am: 5

Have a great weekend!

SBD-Day (Eve Of)

Below is sort of the list of allowed foods and the diet plan. From what I can gather there’s a bit of discrepancies in allowed foods so I’m hesitant about the yogurt and heard some crap that you NEEDED to eat the ricotta snacks and I hate ricotta. I don’t even eat it in my lasagna. People are insane. Need ricotta! I also deleted the foods I know MLG and I don’t like or MLG can’t have, like beef and beans, though I left in shellfish because I’ll be a boiled shrimp eating fool on those days I’m cursing this diet. So therefore things like mushrooms are gone and things I’ve never heard of and won’t be eating. I’m a picky eater, can you tell? This list would be even sadder if I took off all the veggies I don’t eat.

We’re supposed to start tomorrow though we aren’t going grocery shopping until tomorrow. So I’ll be cooking some eggs tomorrow morning though I’ve heard it’s okay to grab some turkey and string cheese, which sounds more likely in the future.

I think I’m mainly excited about eating 30 pistachios a day. Of course if I could count out 30 pistachios why can’t I count out 30 teddy grahams. That whole carb voo-doo thing I suppose. Though I can eat a lot of pistachios, trust me.

I’ll be dissecting this diet over the next 2 weeks (at least) and it might not be pretty so just be prepared. It’s how I cope. If I find anything in this list to be wrong I’ll be updating it.

I’m most sad that brie is not on the list of cheeses to eat though camembert was no where that I could see. Must check that out (though I doubt there’s a loophole that wide). And what’s camembert without crackers or grapes anyway. Sigh. And I decided that I will most likely be partaking in a small unbuttered popcorn when I go to the movie theater which averages every 2 weeks. And I may not go into ketosis fully I haven’t decided. The plus is the weight loss is a lot. But I’m worried about my kidney issues so I may have just a smidge of carb per day to wane a full on ketosis. An 8 to 13 pound drop is mighty tempting. We’ll see how it goes.

And what’s up with butter. Everyone knows butter is better for you than margarine. I have to check on that.

Must make sure MLG weighs himself tomorrow. He doesn’t have to tell me his weight but I must know how much he loses, especially the first 2 weeks.

And finally, said goodbye to Hardee’s Ham & Egg biscuits and Strawberry/Banana Smoothies. Goodbye, I’ll miss you. I think I’ve said my goodbyes to everyone. Hello, size 8. Hubba, hubba.

Dining room is still not complete. I went shopping with my mom yesterday (Mom + TJ Maxx = Bad Idea) and picked out a crap load of yellow samples from Lowes for the hall (still can’t decide on one I like enough to merit the amount of space this color will cover. All hallways upstairs and downstairs including entryway and office space and the huge area at the top of the stairs. Walls in some areas the (estimated) height of 25 feet (thank god we’ll be hiring someone for that). It’s a lot of space and will probably never be repainted. My kids will be bringing friends over going, “Mom that color is so turn of the century.” Yellow is a difficult color. And under the fluorescent lights of Lowes looks much different than my badly lit home. The purple I picked for our bedroom looks gray in the actual bedroom. It was splendid in Lowes. I have to remind myself that Gossamer Blue (the kitchen color) is no looker on the color swatch. Have decided (tentatively) that I want the downstairs bathroom to be a lilac type color (very girly) with a hint of pink. I actually found the color I’m looking for in an Ikea catalog. It’ll be the only truly girly color in the house so I wanted to go all the way. Still, you can see into that bathroom upon opening the door so it has to be chic, yet pretty. I think I can pull it off, however.

The South Beach Diet

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, The South Beach Diet. I snatched this from somewhere (though you can find it in multiple places, then I tinkered with it from stuff I found elsewhere). If you think I stole it from you and it pisses you off tell me and I'll remove it. I usually link but I can't remember where I found it and I went and changed it, made it my own.) I also removed all the stuff we won't be eating so you may want to search out your own list to see EVERYTHING you can have. But it's my journal and I wanted only the list of foods that I'll actually be eating.

BREAKFAST
Protein: Quantity is not limited. See choices
Vegetables: Minimum 1/2 cup. See choices
Fat: 1 tsp mayonnaise or oil (optional) See choices

LUNCH
Protein: Quantity is not limited. See choices
Vegetables: Minimum 2 cups. See choices
Fat: 1 Tbsp mayonnaise or oil. See choices

DINNER
Protein: Quantity is not limited. See choices
Vegetables: Minimum 2 cups. See choices
Fat: 1 Tbsp mayonnaise or oil. See choices

SNACKS
Snacks are required. Choose from the Protein or Vegetable list, or eat nuts from the Fats list.

PHASE 1 FOODS TO ENJOY

POULTRY (SKINLESS) TO ENJOY
Cornish hen
Turkey bacon (2 slices per day)
Turkey and chicken breast

SEAFOOD TO ENJOY
All types of fish and shellfish (no shellfish for MLG)

PORK TO ENJOY
Boiled ham
Canadian bacon
Loin
Tenderloin

LUNCHMEAT TO ENJOY
Fat-free or low-fat only

CHEESE (FAT-FREE OR LOW-FAT) TO ENJOY
American (MLG only)
Cheddar (MLG only)
Mozzarella
Parmesan
Provolone
Ricotta (MLG only)
String

EGGS TO ENJOY
The use of whole eggs is not limited unless otherwise directed by your doctor. Use egg whites and egg substitute as desired.

VEGETABLE CHOICES TO ENJOY
(May use fresh, frozen or canned without added sugar)
Asparagus (MLG only)
Beans, Green
Broccoli
Cabbage
Carrots – only small amounts mixed in with salad or coleslaw
Cauliflower
Celery
Cucumbers (MLG only)
Lettuce (All varieties)
Juice (Limit to 6 ounces per day)
-Tomato
-V-8
Onion
Peppers (All varieties)
Pickles - Dill (MLG doesn’t like pickles or pickle breath)
Scallions
Spinach
Sprouts, Alfalfa
Squash, Spaghetti (MLG only, spaghetti squash?)
Squash, summer (MLG only)
-Yellow
-Zucchini
Tomato (MLG doesn’t like raw tomatoes)

FATS TO ENJOY
The following monounsaturated oils are recommended to be consumed daily:
Oil, canola
Oil, olive
Other Oil Choices that may be chosen (Polyunsaturated or a blend of Monounsaturated):
Corn - LIMIT
Peanut - GOOD
Sesame - LIMIT
Sunflower - LIMIT

Other Fat Choices:
Margarine - Chose those that do not contain Trans Fatty Acids such as Fleischmann's Premium Olive Oil or Smart Balance
Mayonnaise - Regular or Low Fat
Mayonnaise - Fat-free - Avoid
Salad Dressing - Use those < 3 grams sugar per serving

SPICES AND SEASONING TO ENJOY
All spices that contain no added sugar
Broth
Extracts (almonds, vanilla, or others)
Pepper (black, cayenne, red, white)
Use the following toppings and sauces sparingly (check labels for added sugar)
Hot Sauce
Salsa - Limit to 2 TBS during phase 1
Soy Sauce - 1/2 TBS
Steak Sauce - 1/2 TBS
Worcestershire Sauce - 1 TBS
Whipped Topping (Light) - 2 TBS

NUTS TO ENJOY (Limit to one serving per day as specified)
Almonds - 15 (Dry roasted recommended)
Cashews - 15 (Dry roasted recommended)
Pecans - 15 (Dry roasted recommended)
Peanut Butter, Natural = 1 TBS
Pine Nuts (Pignolia) - 1 ounce
Pistachios - 30 (Dry roasted recommended)

DAIRY - TO ENJOY
Yogurt, plain or sugar-free low fat or fat-free - 8 oz.

SWEET TREATS (Limit to 75 calories per day)
Candies, hard, sugar-free
Chocolate powder, no added sugar
Cocoa powder, baking type
Fudge pops, sugar-free
Gelatin, sugar-free
Popsicles, sugar-free
Sugar substitute
Limit Caffeine-Containing Beverages to 16 OZ. per day

SUGAR SUBSTITUTES TO ENJOY
Nutrasweet (Equal)
Saccharin (Sweet & Low)
Sucralose (Splenda)- 1 tsp

Roses and Death Beds

I really honestly thought I was on my deathbed yesterday. I would have gone to the doctor if there was anything they could do and I wouldn’t be humiliated with the it’s just cramps and here’s a Tylenol (that won’t work) prescription for ya.

So I did try to go to work because I took off last Friday to paint the dining room (still uncompleted because I’m on my deathbed). But I lasted only an hour until I went into Boss Lady’s office and begged to suffer alone on my deathbed. I went home and straight to bed. From 9:30 am to 6 pm. And I only got up then because I felt I should and promised myself I could come back to bed whenever I wanted.

I also hadn’t eaten since the night before. I don’t think I’ve ever gone that long without food. I’ve eaten breakfast and suffered terrible angry hunger until 3ish or 4ish for Thanksgiving dinner. That’s the best I can recall. But I was so nauseous (or is it nauseated, I always get them confused) there was nothing I could think of that I could stand chewing or swallowing. Including liquids. So by 6 pm I was parched and not so much hungry but beyond tired. Can’t hold my head up tired so I thought I more so should drink and eat something rather than want to. So I filled a big glass of water and drank a fourth of it and ate a yogurt (have to finish them for South Beach anyway).

MLG came home and I couldn't figure what else I could stand to eat. He ate some cereal (had to finish it for South Beach anyway) and I watched bad sitcoms and thought of things I could stand to eat. Anything. Nothing appealed to me.

Finally at 9 pm I made an egg sandwich and ate all but one bite. Then I went to bed.

Today, thank god, I feel much better. I’m so relieved. I’ve never had such a horrible TOM experience and hope to god this isn’t how they are going to be now.

I didn’t write about Valentine’s Day so I’ll do it now. Friday I was home painting the dining room. I didn’t think to oh I don’t know wear a bra or brush my teeth and around 3:30 there was a knock on the door. Oh flowers, I thought to myself.

But it wasn’t flowers. It was 5 elderly men in red blazers to sing me love songs while I stood there picking at paint drying on my fingers and discreetly hiding my boob region. I tried to thank them without breathing on them. And it’s a great gesture it really is but it’s also

very

embarrassing.

MLG came home late with red roses and miniature Gerber daises. Very beautiful.

Saturday we tried another place downtown for breakfast (we’re scooping out to find our regular place) that was too slow and the French toast was horrible and then ran some errands. MLG went to the office. My mom called and wanted to come over with my brother and his girlfriend to check out the brown dining room.

My brother brought me roses from him and my stepdad. They all stood around awkwardly giving me odd looks. I started to feel like they knew something I didn’t. My mom said, “Is there anything we should know? Is anything going to happen tonight?” To which I immediately spiked and said, “No.” Well, more like, “NO!” Because I didn’t know anything and romantic gestures are flying out all over the place. Don’t think I didn’t look past the quartet wonder if MLG was going to walk up with red blazer and a ring box or something and I was going to be proposed to without a bra and afternoon nasty ass breath. Or if he was really at work to work. Heck I don’t know. Am I supposed to know? Does it spring out of nowhere?

They leave and I’m forced to don the dreaded size 14 dress that is very loose but also sadly flattering. I couldn’t help but think am I going to get engaged in this god awful dress. Is this what I’m going to be forced to remember wearing on THE DAY.

MLG comes home and tells me 50 times how beautiful I look. I wanted to scream, “It’s size fucking 14, it's horrible,” but instead I said, “thanks.”

We had a lovely dinner at my favorite restaurant. We had the same waiter as last time who took 50 years between each course. We vowed to figure out his name so we could request never to have him again. He was a little faster tonight though he ignored my empty diet coke glass like it was the plague. Don’t think I wasn’t thinking if I were skinner my drink would certainly stay full. I totally thought it. I had perfect hair and perfect makeup. I had a fucked up size 14 dress on that sadly flattered me. I had kick ass heels on too. Everything was very good but the dessert was Amaretto soaked with a couple strawberries so I didn’t eat it. I did dig around it a little bit to make sure nothing was hiding in there.

We left dinner and walked over to see if we could get on a carriage ride. It was raining and very cold so it wasn’t an easy walk. The horses were gone and the sign was up so we looked at cd’s at the You Have No Idea Who Any Of These People Are You’re So Old And Not Cool CD Store while we waited for them to return. The whole time I’m thinking it’s going to happen on the carriage ride isn’t it. Me in this fucked up dress and my hair starting to frizz from the rain.

We go back out but the horses are all reserved from like a month ago so we went home. I immediately took off the dress and the painful heels and got back in a track suit. Later we went out for Munkins. Then we went to bed.

That’s how I spend the best Valentine’s Day ever.

21st Century Moonie

Trying to make a very quick post. I’m in the midst of beginning TOM hell where he’s not quite arrived yet and I can’t seem to pick up all the shit laying around the house in time for his untimely unfun arrival.

I’m not wearing any sheer white tunic dress or putting a flower in my hair and you can’t change my name to Moon Grass or anything but I did purchase the South Beach Diet book.

I’m amazed how much fluff you have to write in a diet book before you can just get down to business and tell me how to do the damn thing. I’m on like page 20 of how this diet Rocks the Kasbah for Heart Disease Likely Folks and can’t seem to tell MLG how exactly this is different from Atkins. When I try to explain it he says it sounds like Atkins. And I suppose it does, especially during the first 2 weeks.

Still trying to work out how I’m going to manage the whole have to cook for breakfast. I’m a terrible morning person especially on a day like today when it reads 55 degrees on the thermostat when I finally forced myself to leave the warm bed in time to be just in time for a late arrival at work.

Tentative date for diet’s beginning is Friday. MLG insists on eating all carbs in the house and I insist on eating out every carb I’m going to miss. Subway, I’ll miss you. Pizza, I’ll miss you. Chinese Food, I’ll miss you. Ben and Jerry’s, I’ll miss you. Munkins, I’ll miss you. Bread with dinner, I’ll miss you.

Size 14 dress I wore for Valentine’s dinner. I sure as hell won’t miss you.

Did a lot of painting in the dining room though it’s not done. Big loud unbelievable sigh. I made huge mistakes in this room. Sloppy trim lines, I touched the ceiling with the roller (nice to pick dark brown to do that so it takes 3 coats to somewhat cover though I can still see it), some painter’s trick my mom taught me where you can get paint on the sides of the door trim because no one will see it, but now it’s all wonky from the sides and I can see it. I also got paint on top of the door. And paint splattered all over the place from the roller (not sure why – paint, roller sponge, too much freaking paint on said roller?). We’re going to lose our 15 foot borrowed ladder to ne’er return so I have to get the curtain rods hung (hopefully we won’t lose the ladder before then). Lots to do.

Have loads more to write but have to get back to work.

Differences

Let's just say MLG and I grocery shop very differently. If he sees a sale, no matter what it is, he'll consider purchasing it. I don't even look at sales. I get what I want, the brand I want, when I need it.

Like yesterday, he didn't buy any cokes because they weren't on sale. I, however, was allowed to load up 4 2-liters of Diet Sierra Mist, even though I only wanted 2 because those bad boys were on sale.

So you can imagine the heart attack MLG had when I put a $4.69 pack of 6 Skinny Cows in the cart.

There's a couple reasons why I'm against Atkins or South Beach or Low Carb. I've done Atkins and followed it to perfection. I stayed in the Introduction phase because every time I added carbs I stopped losing weight. You often hear about people who crave carbs will eat plain white bread right out of the bag. I'm not like that. I don't crave bread. I can take or leave cereal, bread, potatoes, or rice. But you tell me I can't have that stuff and I crave it like a crazy carb craving fool. I'll never forget going off Atkins, when I leveled off and could no longer lose weight, that's supposedly very common with Atkins, and I read the article in O Magazine this month that confirms that, I remember eating plain bread right out of the bag. I gained that 20 pounds back in no time flat. Probably due to Sunbeam alone. And god forbid a baguette came within my reach.

It wasn't until I went on Atkins that I realized I craved carbs. I craved every piece of carb imaginable the whole time I was on Atkins. I even craved crackers and I couldn't give 2 cents about crackers.

What I do crave is chocolate. I don't think it's even the sugar because I love sweet tea like you would not believe and I've stopped drinking that. But chocolate. Chocolate's just not going to happen. What I can do is limit myself. And it's very effective. I don't consider myself a carb craver. I consider myself a binge eater. I don't have to stop eating carbs. I have to stop eating too much. I can, and will, binge on anything. It does not have to be carbs.

The whole idea about Skinny Cows is, in theory, if I know everyday I can have this one treat and all I have to do is get through the day to have it, but I can't have any other treats except that one, then it will work. Unfortunately I came in to work today and said, "fuck yogurt" and bought a pack of Oreos.

It's like when I was dieting before, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, it's like my entire chemical wiring was different. Binging was completely out of the question. I could skip birthday cakes at work and it would only hurt for about 5 minutes (while everyone else was eating). It's not like that anymore. My wiring has gone back to the way it was. I keep thinking I can jar it back or this will trigger it or that will trigger it but so far nothing has really happened. My wiring is not the same. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'd assume, especially if you're like my mom, it doesn't. If you're like me then it probably does.

I bought the Skinny Cows and bought the yogurt and now all I have to do is follow a plan. You can't say that my old plan isn't working because I'm not doing my old plan. I'm not writing everything down. I'm not exercising. I'm not following what I tell myself I'm going to do. You can't say you need a new plan when the old one doesn't work because I have to actually do it first to say it doesn't work.

If you believe in fad diets I say by all means, go for it. I don't. I believe in stopping the binges. I believe in setting rules and following them. I believe only cutting out what you can live without. I believe in eating what I crave just not overeating.

I do not believe cravings go away. The moment you deny yourself the moment you want it more than you ever have before. But if you believe it then go for it. I'm not trying to stop you. I'm just explaining why I don't like it. And I have tried it. I even researched South Beach diet.

Doctors tell you to limit carbs because it's code for cut out the junk food you freak. I agree with limiting junk food. I don't agree with eating Atkins friendly pizza, without the crust.

Uh, yuck.

I will say this, however. Oreos have to be a no-no food. No Oreos at all. And I can live with that. Pizza will have to go and also Chinese food. This is the way it's always been. Trigger foods.

I'm not working tomorrow and plan on painting the dining room all day. Have a Happy Valentines Day guys. I couldn't be any more happy with my Valentine than I am this very year. He's the greatest man I've ever known.

Bella found a bit of sunshine over the weekend and a place to rest her head. I’m sending it to Dap for future ads as needed.

Figured I’d solve the whole jiggly camera/fuzzy picture problem combined with not using flash on kitties eyes, gives them weirdo eyes, and Aidan’s really actually quite cute so I pulled out the tripod, waiting for Aidan to get lazy, takes a good 3-4 seconds for picture to take, and took some pictures. Was still rather dark. Can’t quite make him out but he’s cute.



Aidan on Stairs



Aidan on Printer

BTW, did you know Aidan is the #2 boy baby name for 2003.

I’ll try not to take all the credit. Anytime I say “Aidan” people look at me like they’ve never heard that freaking name. Aid den. Aidan. It’s easy. And it’s #2 so you better learn it quick. Might be my lisp but I carefully chose the name Aidan to avoid such issues.

I’m determined to begin priming the dining room walls tonight. Tonight, I tell you.

Re: South Beach Diet. Rather than going on the South Beach Diet and having to buy a book and restructure every last piece of food, wouldn't it be easier to just stop eating all treats. No Oreos, Icecream, CiCi's Brownies, Birthday Cakes, desserts at restaurants, etc. I guess the whole thing is I'm not willing to give up every single dessert. I have a Valentine's dinner on Saturday and I'm having dessert. I want Skinny Cows in my fridge. I think Skinny Cows are swell as long as you only have one. I don't want to cut out this food group and that food group (like sweets are a food group, giggle) but instead live the life I lead but not overeat. Make better choices. Find something, anything, besides Oreos to eat for breakfast. I know I'm fighting myself because I don't want to be hungry, I don't want to not eat Y or Z, I find myself in weak positions all the time due to stress and turning to food for stress because it works so damn well. I need to turn to something else for stress, not exercise because I hate exercise, but something I actually like, like I used to take a bath, but it's a different tub and I feel weird taking a bath in it. I need to have alternatives available. I need to go back to eating yogurt for breakfast. I need to have Skinny Cows in the fridge when I want dessert (when MLG makes himself a bowl of icecream).

This was much easier by myself like I've said many times. If I needed to not eat dinner and go to bed at 7 pm to help the stomach pains then I could do that. When he comes in and says, let's go out or let's get icecream it's hard to say no. I'm not blaming him, I blame myself, and I know I need to get over it and say no or not stress eat but it's very hard. I want that size 8 girl inside of me to yank a knot in me and say, "you're really willing to give this all up," but the fact is I already have and getting back on the wagon fucking sucks and it's easy to keep saying tomorrow tomorrow. I have to just do it. Just stop. Right now. And say I deserve to be a size 8. I deserve to wear skirts. I'm the size 8 girl not the size 12 girl. But really I sometimes think about it and it doesn't even feel real. It feels like I was there for like one day and it was gone. I think about the outfits I wore and where I went and how pretty I felt and it doesn't feel real. Somehow as sick and depressing as it sounds, this feels real. And I don't want it too.

Caulk It Up To Experience

I would have never thought it was humanly possible but I managed to spend 3 days caulking and patching the dining room. Sounds like I thought about caulking the dining room while lounging on the sofa watching Newlyweds but I’m telling you it was 3 full days, well 3 hours Friday, 5 hours Saturday, and 3 hours Sunday. That’s a lot of caulk. And it was frustrating beyond belief. I have learned one valuable lesson. When all else fails, cut a bigger caulk hole. That solved a lot of my problems.

I’m so over caulk right now.

However everything is sealed and caulked including huge fireplace and gigantic window gaps.

I’m ready to paint, thank god. I was on the verge of tears a couple times thinking, “I just want to paint. I don’t want to do this anymore,” with creamy spackle oozing down the window frame crack and large dots of caulk looking rather silly and Good Stuff “don’t touch me or you’ll regret it” expanding out the gap. It was a nightmare.

We bought some snazzy light switch plates for the living room and dining room this weekend at my local Shabby Chic store. MLG went with me and when he walked in he exclaimed, “This looks like our house.” I showed him the mirror that I want for above the living room mantle (way too expensive) and we looked at the switch plates which he was all for. She was wrapping up the switch plates and MLG says, “This is the shabby chic store isn’t it?” It was really funny. Like it just hit him where he was.

I’ve been seriously thinking about going on hiatus. I feel like a failure the more I think about my dieting experiences. I’m hardly inspiration considering I’m having such a difficult time. I feel like I’m repeating myself and talking in circles. There’s no other diet blog anywhere that I can find where someone gains back half their weight and continues writing about it. This is just really hard, you know. Sometimes I don’t think people realize how hard it is. I feel like I’m dieting my way up the scale.

I think I realize the pattern that’s happening now that I’m forcing myself to watch the scale. I gain 3 pounds. I lose 3 pounds. I gain 3 pounds. Then I get frustrated and get some icecream. Eat a lot of icecream. Eat whatever I want for a couple days. Then I’m up 5 pounds and start the cycle over. You can gain 30 pounds this way kids, be careful.

TGIF

I’ve been reading the Dr Phil diet book. Not aggressively mind you but when I go to bed before MLG (every night this week) I like to ease into bed and then turn out the lights. Handy reading material helps this endeavor. And besides, I’m current out of catalogs from Pottery Barn and J Crew so a book with words is all that’s left. I’ve been averaging about 5 pages (if even that) a night and somehow I’m at 50something pages.

I was reading this yawn heard it before blabbety bla bla last night and Dr Phil mentioned quantitative goals, where you use figures and shit to support your goal. For instance you should say I want to lose 2 pounds a week until I weigh 135 pounds and this goal will happen on such-and-such day, rather than damn a size 6 would be nice, maybe come summer? Furthermore, he says to get out your calendar and post the goals on the calendar. Well I have a spankin new calendar so I got it out and started posting two pound loses starting with next Thursday (since I weighed yesterday and it was yet to be Friday) and the first week of May I was 135 pounds. A very silly Grinch Who Stole Christmas grin came across my face. And not even that but the whole month of April I was at a respectable I-can-wear-clothes weight. It's thrilling I tell you.

Suddenly it’s all put into perspective. Life fucking sucks until April anyway due to excessive Pottery Barn spending I’m dirt poor until April anyway so why not combine the suckiness and push through the rest of February and March with blinders on with one goal in mind: APRIL.

April I can shop. April I can wear skirts. April is a good month.

And it’s going to come whether I halt spending or diet or not. So why not make the best of the rest of the fucking winter. I’m pushing through. I’m doing it.

Lunch Buddy just asked me if I wanted to have Italian for lunch. Fuuuuuccck. Will only eat half. Have done it before.

Yesterday calories were high as I consumed two pack of Oreos in a fit of work-angst and had the remainder of Ben & Jerrys the moment my ass crossed the threshold of my house. Still it wasn’t a binge day as calories were in the low 2000s.

And still I weigh the same today as yesterday. Better for the weight tracking.

Work is work, you know. Every early spring I have a mild nervous breakdown that this is my life, the highest I’ll obtain career-wise, and this is what I'm going to be doing until I reach menopause and have gray thinning hair, and I try contemplating a new career but it’s the same old answers. Usually there’s tears in my boss's office and a lot of near fainting and “oh my god, why me god!" So either I’m repressing or I’m more accepting of my fate. All I can really do, I decided in the shower today anyway, is look at what’s good about my job and there’s lots of good things.

My office is lovely and painted a color I chose (and painted myself).

I can listen to music whenever I want and whatever I want to listen to. Like every 10 minutes or so I play Britney Spears “Toxic” real low and I can’t tell if coworkers are rolling their eyes or not.

I have the financial ability to eat out for lunch everyday, and this I will now do without feeling guilt. I earn it. This was also decided in the Shower of Good Fortune.

I have set hours and leave my work at work when I sprint wildly out the door leave at the end of my eight-hour day.

I made a pact with myself long ago that I will become a more positive person. I chose happiness as I chose my weight. It’s as simple as that. Sure it’s hard, it’s all hard, life is hard, but difficulty is how you perceive it. Really it’s not all that bad, my life. It’s super fantastic really.

In Lieu of a Better Post

Had a little run in with Ben and Jerry’s last night. However I did the unthinkable. I only had one serving, ½ cup. Actually it was “The Core” so I just ate straight down the core and put the rest away. MLG also brought home 2 half gallons of Breyer’s Icecream. I would have passed the B&J, after all I was already at 1800 calories, but in a quick thought pattern I rationalized that since he had brought me the icecream, he didn’t care about my weight, and was fine with me, just as I am. But it was at the bottom of the core I realized, duh, I care about my weight, I’m sick of wearing sweat pants.

Though I have been daydreaming about the chocolate chip portion most of the day.

Still have a sore throat and feel very tired. I’m starting to think it may be permanent now, just a new addition due to the profound stress I’m under. It’s not even stress, it’s just this profound feeling of helplessness/hopelessness I feel regarding my job.

Sometimes my hands shake at work.

Of course that sort of frustration manifest itself in illness. I’d think my sore throat voice would be raspy sexy but I already have a very quiet voice and now people are having difficulty hearing forcing me to expend additional energy I don’t have just to talk.

Pink Haze

I was tired last night but I took the Nyquil (Cough formula) anyway and was out like a freaking log at 9:45 pm. The bed was warm, the air was cold, and I didn’t cough even once.

Now I’m at work with post Nyquil phlegm (you know what I’m talking about) wishing I was still in that bed of mine.

Last night I was driven to Henry’s and got Shrimp Chowder To-Go. I called that little piece of heaven 440 calories so hopefully I’m okay. I still clocked in somewhere in the 1300s so I think it was a good day.

Bella was blocking the door again today as I was leaving for work. I don’t think she understood the concept that no one wanted to stay home more than me. Poor thing. Little latch key kitty.

Aidan’s been pretty pissed off since I removed the litter box downstairs and was left only with a litter box upstairs. The downstairs litter box used to be in the bathroom right by MLG’s office (well, desk). The other night I heard Aidan from upstairs in the bedroom howl his death cry. I thought he was in the middle bedroom as MLG and I both went, “AIDAN!” but turns out he was in the downstairs bathroom pretty pissed that he had no where to pee (even though he watched me the day before cleaning out both litter boxes and putting one away). That had to have blown MLG’s eardrum. It was loud.

I’m calling J Crew’s Spring Collection My New Inspiration. I visit the website weekly but the paper catalog rocked my world. If only I weren’t in Home Decorating and Improvement Debt (shh, don’t tell MLG) I could cause some dam-age. So when I am a size 8, and all the new clothes are no longer for sale (cause they rotate stock faster than I can lose weight), I’m buying some clothes. Pink clothes! Tons and tons of pink clothes. And flipflops. And maybe an Ipod.

Better

I’m feeling a bit better today emotionally. I actually had a good food day yesterday though there seems to be some discretion regarding the calorie content of a soup bread bowl. I read 295 calories on the web but my book says it’s 625 calories. The bread bowl I had, and I didn’t eat the whole thing, was like regular white bread, not fancy sourdough, and would amount to what I think is no more than 4 pieces of bread, which would put it at 280 calories and I left the whole bottom portion. I counted 300 calories though really I think it’s more 180 or so.

My cold isn’t so well. I had to leave my warm bed to go downstairs and sleep on the couch because I was coughing too much last night and keeping MLG up I’m sure (though he never said anything). For some reason the air was better downstairs (no fan) and I didn’t cough much while I was there. I ended up going back to bed around 4 am and ended up oversleeping. I don’t even remember the alarm going off but I regularly turn it off when it goes off and lightly sleep for an additional 15 minutes. I did go into work, have to save my sick days for TOM, and am lazing about here wishing I could take a nap.

I did manage to take pictures of our newly hung sheers (bought from Pottery Barn). They didn’t photograph very well, they look a bit ivory even but I assure you they are stark white and look very crisp, though they need a good ironing. I’m hoping the wrinkles (packaging lines) will just fall out. MLG was hesitant at first because they are so sheer but we went outside and tested out the viewing and you can’t really see very much. He claims I could walk around naked if I wanted but I think I’ll pass.

The dining room paint is bought and the color is “fresh brew” by Benjamin Moore for the ungodly are-you-kidding-me price of $30 a can (Devoe runs about $15 per can, and this will probably be my last BM paint purchase, it’s just too much money). It’s a very chocolate brown. I’m dreading getting started and am procrastinating like you wouldn’t believe. All the curtains are hung so I really have no choice now. We’d like to complete the dining room in two weeks because we are having a little dinner party on the 19th. Oh the pressure.

This will actually be a great room to do because a) it’s nasty and I think the bugs of the house really enjoy this room b) it’ll make the right side of the house downstairs complete. I’ll be able to sit on the couch and see a completed space all the way into the kitchen. Tonight I’m attempting to clean it out, everything but the table, and get it somewhat clean, even the windows.

Ugh

Today is not a good day. I did mean to post on Friday but the Internet went down at work. Trust me it would have been a sad little post about my ambivalence to my site. And I feel more even now but I’m not going into it.

I just want to remind myself while I’m feeling down and a bit sick too (really could use a nap) the little talk I had with myself while I was trying to fall asleep last night. I had eaten too much again and feeling guilty again and in a calm inside my head voice told myself that my weight is my choice. Every bit of this is my decision. There was no pleasure in how I was feeling. Stuffing myself like that didn’t feel good. And not just because it’s making me physically larger but it’s not good. Nothing’s good. I keep trying to eat something thinking it’ll taste good but nothing does anymore. It’s like a drug I can’t get high from anymore.

And I know why this whole thing is like it is. I hate the idea of going back. I know it feels good to wear smaller clothes and there is some cheap thrill from completing a workout, but really it’s horrible. It’s like going to prison, taking my main pleasure in life away, and I keep trying to postpone my sentence – LIFE.

But if it’s not fun eating and not fun not eating, why not choose the not eating and at least be pretty?

See what I mean. I’m so lame. I know I’m lame. It makes me not want to post, you know.