In a Hastily Written Post

I couldn’t get around to posting yesterday. I had a half-assed hastily written post, that never really said what I was trying to say and I was swamped with work so I had to dump it. Then last night SLC Guy finally wrote me (yay!) so I was working on my reply email to him and making sure I did get on the treadmill.

I’ve reduced my goal weight to 125. Most of my charts will spit out this weight. I’ve always thought it was a cruel thing because I don’t expect to be 125 pounds. But I also think my scale is wrong. The doctor’s scale was 4 pounds different from my own. I still have some clothes that I can’t get into that at 133 pounds that I should be able to wear comfortably. I was 135, even 138 and wearing them before so obviously something is amiss. I can only surmise that it’s the scale. And even though my goal weight says 125 pounds if I reach 130 pounds and am happy with my clothes and my stomach than that’s good. If it’s 128 then that’s fine. If it’s 125 then that’s fine. All I’m trying to do is motivate myself to continue on. And I think being too close to my goal makes me slack so I reduced the number so I’ll be aware that I have a ways to go. I can knock this out in a month and it’s annoying that I’m just floating around in the mid 130’s with a stomach that drives me insane and I’m thinking it’s okay, and order a pizza or eat an extra ice cream (or both). Is 135 going to be okay? Is 138 going to be okay? When I’m in the 140’s will I rationalize that too?

There’s a lot going on and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. So all I can do right now is focus on continuing this journey. I just want to see what happens at 130 pounds and I’ll regroup from there. I want to just try to get away from eating in ways that could be described as a binge. I don’t mean my brunch. The brunch was fine. But this Friday pizza kick has me concerned. Ice cream continues to concern me. Weekends concern me. And I know a lot of it is me needing something to do. If it would be sunny and warm on the weekends so I can be outside then I know this will be easier. If I could meet someone and date and be outside my own head for a while that would make it easier. But easy or not I’ve got to be in a more confident place with my eating.

Even though I may weigh 133 I’m still having the same issues of a 199 pound person. Not much has changed except clothing size and figures on a scale. And honestly sometimes I look at my body and it looks exactly the same. Body image is very bizarre.

Stop Draggin’ My Dress Around

I was so impressed with my progress, working out on a Friday and Saturday and so forth, and along comes Sunday. My best friend came up for a partial impromptu visit, more like over and down. We had Eggs Benedict at one of my favorite restaurants on the patio overlooking the river. It was really good. I had no idea I was eating over 800 calories. Seems such a light fare with English muffin, little piece of ham, and poached egg, a smidgen of hollandaise sauce, who knew all that could total over 800 calories. I have to say it was worth it. I love brunch. I also had 3 Bloody Marys. I was rocking at noon. Headache by 2.

She did tell me that this guy who attended her wedding last year, was probably moving to her town to accept this job. She told me he was really looking to settle down, seriously in that rare guy fashion, and she was trying to set me up with him. I remember the guy. He was really cute, the cutest guy there, and had that personality that I'm attracted to - the outgoing, making everyone giggle on that side of the room personality. I spoke briefly with him, not too much, casual pleasantries. I was desperately uncomfortable in my navy blue duponi silk dress. The one I had to buy in a size 16 and had to be taken in, of course, in the chest area. I just remember all this freaking fabric. Everywhere. Very hot though it was only about 70 degrees out. I was sweating profusely. No one else was sweating, not even the bride, just me. Sweating, hair curling despite so much effort. Which makes my dresses coming in a little envelope now all the better. And my shoes were broken and the back strap kept slipping down. It was a horrible experience to make it down the aisle, in the grass, wet grass. Anyway I was so hot and miserable trying to fake myself out into feeling pretty, which took a lot of effort, and not much energy was left to try to talk to attractive strangers (also against my nature). I was shy and uncomfortable, the normal tape spinning in my head, “I know he doesn’t like a fat girl, I know he doesn’t like a fat girl,” that god awful tape that’s wasted me so many years. What’s funny is when my best friend was telling me about hooking me up I asked her without a second thought, “did you show him my picture so he could see how much weight I’ve lost?” And she replied in that best friend you’re beautiful all the time way, “Why would that matter? He remembers you. He says you were cute.” So he gets to go on shy fat girl personality over smaller dressed and a little less shy (but not by much) personality. So we’ll see where that goes.

Weight Day

I don't want to talk about it. Let's just blame it on TOM, say hey it's a brand new non-TOM week, and have a fresh start.

1200 calories a day
Workout 5 days a week
Do this consistantly until you see 130 pounds on the scale
THEN, we'll work on maintenence.

Is that so hard? No it's not.

Have found inspiration in god knows where and have decided to write SLC Guy. If he'll write back a girl who left him hanging a week we'll know exactly the type of guy he is. ::rubs hands maniacally together::

Choices

I’m despising my hair. I cut it thinking if it were shorter I could control it better but it’s still a freaking nightmare, it’s just a shorter nightmare. The humidity is driving me insane. Bad hair days for the next 5 or so months really is just cruel.

Back in November or whenever I was writing to both AMD and SLC guy. And SLC guy was really really nice. But I really liked AMD. I was drawn to him. SLC guy was just nice, you know. So I ended up dating AMD and telling SLC guy that I had met someone.

When he saw me back on the site SLC guy wrote me a letter. Still very nice, very humorous, very sweet. He totally gets my humor and I totally get his. And yet I’m still not drawn to him. And I should be. He’s perfectly nice. He probably is quite normal and would never consider breaking my heart or calling me DRAMATIC. He would probably enjoy that I was dramatic, because it’s kind of exciting, and I’m really not that dramatic. I was unjustly labeled I tell you.

So he wrote on Friday and I’ve been reading and rereading his email, checking out his photo album link that he sent me trying desperately to will myself to like this guy. I want a nice guy, I want kids, I want a home, I want to take care of my husband, I want to share my life. I’m tired of having my heart mangled. But it’s not there as bad as I want it to be. And yet I feel like I’m making a drastic error by not writing him back and pursuing him. Maybe I’m messed up and only like messed up guys but I really don’t like messed up guys and he is what I should be with but I’m too messed up to realize and mistake it for not liking him. And maybe I’m supposed to. Maybe I should let someone like me more than I like them for once. I’m always the one who likes more and it’s tiring and hurtful.

On the diet front, I’m not doing so hot. Yesterday I determined today to be the day that I got seriously back on track. But just the idea of declaring tomorrow the day for the sake of eating some more icecream (I had 4 snickers icecream bars yesterday) seems rather lame. And I actually caught myself today going, “hmm, 134, not bad,” like it’s okay to gain a couple pounds. This is the same sort of thing I told myself over and over last time I started gaining. I actually recall thinking things like “184, not bad” because I expected to weigh more. I know it sounds dumb and obsessive but I’m just concerned I’m getting slack and will just gain it all back thinking each pound or so is not that bad until next thing you know it’s 50 freaking pounds and I’m back in black drawstring pants. I threw out all the icecream and the cheese and if I start craving anything else I’m throwing that out too. It’ll just be me and bare cabinets if that’s the way it has to be. I’m stronger than this, what is my problem?

Selfish Harem Girl

I would have posted from work today but I was distracted due to the fact that PB Guy’s girlfriend was the receptionist today! I’m really not upset about it, it’s just distracting, like I became Harem Girl today or something and it was just freaking odd. And he was telling me, "now if you need her to do something let me know." And I'm thinking Are you out of your mind? I would never make her do something for me.

She’s very interesting and seems very genuine. I really, really like her. And I totally see why they are together. He put her to work and she said ok. He sent her out to get his lunch and she’s says alright. She’s totally fine with his selfishness. I’m a very giving person but I gotta get it back too. Actually when I met him in the mountains, back in the day, he tried to send me out to get alcohol and beer. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to convince him to come with me. He wouldn’t. I like the kind of man who’ll leave me in the hottub while he goes exploring all over town trying to find a freaking ABC store. Or at least go with me, drive the car at least. No wonder I’m alone. Alone, so very very alone.

I ordered a dress from J Crew for the wedding I’m going to on Saturday. PB Guy was amused that an entire dress would fit in a small little J Crew envelope. He eventually had to ask me if he could see it, just to prove it was possible. So I did the magic trick of pulling the dress out of the envelope, behold, magic dress. I had tried it on in the bathroom and there’s no full length mirror so all I could tell was how it felt and very little about fit. I was pretty sure my stomach was sticking out very obscenely but when I tried it on at home it seems to look alright. I have a very stubborn tummy and the dress has a seam at the waist that goes in not straight down. But it’s still very pretty and I’m excited to wear it to the wedding.

I also got my hair cut today. It’s very strange because I’m well aware that I’ve lost a lot of weight but there’s something about the lighting in a hair salon, wet unruly hair, and having that bib thing wrapped around you buttoned right up at your neck to make you feel like you have the fattest face in the world.

It looks as though I’ll maintain this week. I was going to trade Friday exercise day off for Thursday because I’m not working tomorrow but I think I’ll exercise tonight anyway. For weigh day if nothing else.

Daughter Dearest

Okay, I hate this post but I’ve been interrupted all damn day and can’t seem to think straight to try to fix it properly. It’s mad here, mad I tell you! 25 minutes and I’m blowing this Popsicle stand.

I’m trying to figure out if my mother is really annoying me lately or if she’s acting normal and I’m being hyper-sensitive. I’m probably just being hyper-sensitive, but lately I just want to be my own person and not a molded version of what my mother (or anyone else) wants me to be. If she would just approach me with, “what if you tried…” rather than, “you need to do …” so that I could weigh out whatever suggestion she offers rather than feeling like I’m supposed to do x, y, z. Do you know what I mean though, I just want to make my own decisions and handle things the way I want. At 31 years old haven’t I earned that right? I guess I do that everywhere though. I’m very stubborn. But I think it’s just that I prefer suggestion over direction.

I’m just trying to figure out who I am. I’m not trying to mold myself right now. I just want to know who I am. If I had no molding done to me, no tweaks, no social modifications, who would I be? How happy would I be if I just accepted me for me instead of always fighting against who I am.

But it’s difficult because my mother is still trying to mold me and push me into being something that I’m not. I’m sure this goes along with why I don’t believe in myself because I’ve never felt accepted as I was, not by my mother, not by my dad, not by my stepdad, or my stepbrothers. My whole life, even to this day. I was supposed to do this, this, and this and then I could be liked, even if I hated what I was supposed to be doing. And if I expressed interest in not wanting to do those things then there was something wrong with me, I almost wrote “fundamentally” which is a key word I've used before. And my rebellion comes across full of my frustrations and makes me seem like I’m a difficult person when all I really want is to be accepted for who I am. Plus I see faults and insecurities in all those people so I don’t really see how much better they have it than me anyway. If we’re all going to be walking around insecure and uncomfortable let me do it the way I want to rather than the way someone else wants me to. That’s all I’m saying. And wouldn’t it be funny if I could just be who I am, with my own scripts and plans, I found I was no longer uncomfortable or insecure. I would just be happy being me, whoever that is.

BTW – she didn’t like my blue dress picture that I'm using on the dating site, which is sparking some of this, and I really like that picture. She's also telling me exactly what to say to people and how to act at this wedding I'm going to. I just want to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time and hang out with her. I do very well at weddings if I make it to the cake cutting, I don't need added pressure of how to act and what to say.

Love or Self-Destruction? - I Feel Bad Even Posting This, Sorry Guys

I haven’t got this whole thing figured out. I never claimed to. I know how to diet. If there’s one thing I have learned in this life is the right way to deprive myself in order to lose weight and find that I’m still exactly the same girl with the same problems. I got that part figured out.

So, if it’s so easy, what’s the problem?

I don’t know. Am I protecting myself, proving myself weak, not believing in myself, finishing the job heartache stopped long ago, feeling entitled for whatever reason, giving into demons who’s faces I don’t recognize. I don’t know. Is it just that pizza tastes so damn good, and eating it with fury and in hiding, even better? Heck if I know.

So here’s what I know:

I’ll never be full. Ah, let me change that, I’ll never be satiated. I can eat until I’m sick and wait for it to pass to eat some more or go to bed with that way too full filling and wonder why the fuck I would do such a thing. What I can do is think about what I’m eating and why, and stop myself from overeating. I keep forgetting that I’m in charge here. I can stop myself. I need to make eating not such a negative event of oh here I am depriving myself again and make it into something positive, that I’m doing the right thing for my body.

I’ll never like to exercise. This is a fact and it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll still hate it. But here’s what I can do. I can stop reminding myself how much I hate it. I can turn it around into a positive event. 1) it helps lose weight, it’s invaluable 2) you feel better after you do it, you never feel worse 3) it’s one of the few times where you can test yourself and immediately see results (of course I guess the tests on Emode do the same thing).

The person who has the most responsibility for loving me is me. I’m the only one who has that job. I have to know my worth and treat myself accordingly. This includes every bite of food, every minute of exercise, whether I keep a clean house or a dirty one, whether I drink water or diet coke, whether I buy things and go into debt, everything. Food is not love. Food is not reward. Food has nothing to do with entitlement. Make food decisions for love, not self-destruction. Love yourself, show that you love yourself, and stop expecting someone else to do it before you can do it yourself.

I’m here. And it’s more than I can say for some. I’m writing though I want to hide and be ashamed. Because I think this was supposed to happen. I think I needed it to verify exactly what I’ve been going through of late. I needed it to remind me what it doesn’t fix and the downward spiral it leads you to that once again you have to fight your way out of. But I’m here. I’m writing about it, I’m writing through it. It’s my gift to myself. I will not hide it. I will not stop writing. I will not give up.

Woe is Not Me

Although my eating hasn’t been exemplary by any means you would think at worse I would just maintain. And it’s not like I skipped working out last night. I wasn’t going to be a 2 day a week exerciser. No, I was getting in that 3rd day and I was going to make the most of it too. I worked out hard and reworked my abs and lifted the dumb bells. My muscles hurt. I only stopped because I was in pain. I wanted to do 100 crunches but I could only do 77. It wasn’t being tired, it was pain (as proven by the extra 2 crunches), not going up, but going down. I also had a late dinner out with my mother and that could have hindered the maintain or loss (I feel weird even acting like I expected a loss). I’ve been snacking too much. I don’t know why the “no” voice is softer than the “yes” voice. The “yes” voice is the one telling me I’ll just maintain, nothing wrong with that. All I need a one good week or maybe even two. Just two really strong determined weeks and I’ll be there. Why can’t I do it? Why do I prefer to snack and put it off for later? Why am I pleased to curtail the binge thoughts, the ones telling me to just take a day off, just one day off, then the compromise with a 1400-1600 calorie day, or even 1800 calorie day. It doesn't seem that bad because at least I'm not binging. Truth be told, I’m happy at this weight. I don’t feel like I have to be any thinner. If I could tone what I have I’d be fine. 125 pounds would be nice but I don’t know if I could maintain it, I’m pretty freaking hungry right where I am. Getting to goal (or lower) isn’t something that I’ve given up on. I kind of just feel like I’m recharging my batteries. I have to stop snacking, that’s all there is to it. The snacks are killing me.

I also don’t think it’s fear of maintaining that has stopped me from updating my profile. I’ve had two sets of pictures taken since Halloween, one was Christmas where I was out of face powder and had broken out and my pictures looked really horrible. The second was late at night where I had my hair up and no makeup again. I looked unkempt and casual, which is fine, despite a double chin (be damned round cherub face), but not what you want to “sell yourself” with on your profile. I have plans to do the tripod/timer thing that Kristi suggested this weekend. But if the pictures aren’t good I won’t use those either. I like the Halloween picture because I look happy and cute, my hair looked nice, and I had makeup on. I don’t think I look “fat” in the pictures though I do showcase a chubby arm and NO ONE hit on me all night at the party which should give me a clue. But you know that picture did attract AMD so I thought it was okay to keep it up until I get a better picture that I’m really happy with. That’s really all it is. I feel pretty good about maintenance. I may gain a little but I don’t see myself going back to 160+ pounds, even going over 140 pounds. I really don’t.

These heavy thoughts are great and I’m glad I wrote about some of them here and I’m happy with the work I’ve been doing with my new book (see margin) but I really don’t like wallowing in this muck. I can think about it for a while and contemplate my past and relate it to my current feelings but then I just want to forget about it and move forward and be happy with all the great things I do have, you know? So I think I’m going to not talk about such serious stuff for a while because it’s making me very introspective and I really want to work on being more outgoing and open. I also, like Brenda says, want to focus on my strengths and abilities. I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement over negative reinforcement. Your self-esteem should come from things you’re happy about and proud of not swimming about in the bad things you fight so hard to overcome. I could sit here for pages listing all the Woe is Me things that have happened to me. But I am a happy person, I’m happy about so many things, and believe it or not every day I’m more and more comfortable in my own skin. Life is good and precious, I want to cherish it, not feel bad about all the things that have happened to me.

Work It Out

Amazing feeling to begin working out after a break longer than 2 days. Not that I recommend it because you risk never going back . Right off I was in it. I was a girl with a mission. I found that point where I could run or walk without changing the speed. Yes, I’ve reached that level. My CD walkman was blocking the readout so I’m not sure exactly how fast I was going but I’m guessing it’s around 4.2 or 4.3. Anyway when I slowed to 4.0 for the last 10 minutes it was a breeze and 4.0 used to kick my ass. The music was good, the distraction was good (American Idol), I was pushing myself in a walk/jog, could life be any more rewarding.

Then I reached 15 minutes and realized I was only half done. Then the old fight came back. I’m not going to make it. You’re totally going to make it. I’m telling you, I’m not going to make it. Shut up big baby you’re going to make it. Look now you’ve only got 14 minutes to go. Fuck, I’m telling you, I’m not going to make it.

But once it was over, there is this sense of accomplishment that’s unlike any other I’ve ever experienced. I hate working out. I deplore it with every molecule in my system. But that 60 seconds or so post-work out are some of the best feelings of my life. You really feel like you did something, something important, something substantial.

Then I decided to use my dumbbells to further work my arms. I’m getting that post 30 year old under arm giggle thing and it’s annoying the crap out of me to sit at my desk typing away and look over to see my arm jiggling and then of course I have to play with it, is it skin or is it flab, oh it moves, wicked. Why can’t it just go away? So I do my 4 arm exercises (two for the back of the arm thing) with my heavier dumbbells trying not to remind myself it used to be easy to use the 5 lb weights and now it’s hard. But that’s good because I have something to work towards.

Then I decided to do abs too. I’m thin (relatively) and have the boniest protruding hip bones I’ve ever seen on a still meaty girl and my rib cage shows and so forth but the flab is still there taunting me. So I decided to start crunches. 25 regular crunches, 25 alternate crunches, 25 reverse crunches, 25 regular crunches. Well that was the plan. I only got through 10 of the last set of regular crunches. I was hoping to feel it today but I just feel like I worked out, no arm pains or stomach aches.

I do feel hungry, still. I was hoping to get a break from that and it’s real hunger with rumbling stomachs. It’s not in my head.

Though not entirely surprised, I totally knew this was going to happen, I’ve been feeling extremely anxious lately with returning insecurities and self-doubt, especially concerning relationships. I feel disappointed in myself that I’m not more together. Because a part of me did actually think if I lost all the weight maybe things would fall into place, though I was not entirely convinced considering I’ve been through this before, it could happen. But of course it’s not and my insecurities are flooding back and I do doubt myself. And I’m frustrated because I should be happy and realizing how great I am.

Then I saw Dr Phil yesterday.

He had on a lady who thought the same as me. She thought if she lost a bunch of weight all her problems would be solved. And Dr Phil said the most amazing thing. If you begin to eat and gain weight because you are insecure you are medicated and stuffing down those insecurities. Then when you no longer medicate with food all the insecurities come right . As big flashing lights. Perhaps there is truth to my best friend’s comment that I’m more happy when I’m overweight. I’m medicated, no wonder. Being thin is back to reality. Here is your life back, now do something meaningful with it, will ya? Much safer to be drowning in the bottom of a Ben & Jerry’s carton. It is numbing if nothing else.

Pills and Lattes, or Rather Chinese Food and the Shakes

Is anyone doing Pilates, notably Winsor Pilates? I’m thinking about buying the DVDs. I want something that will tone without adding bulk. And anything that makes me more flexible is right up my alley. Does not have to be a cardio-burner. Let me know what you guys think. I heard it was boring. But to tell that to a treadmill walker doesn’t mean much. Expanding my gerbilism in any form is an improvement.

No reply from Will Make Me Bump My Knee and Get Food on My Shirt Guy. Still early, holding out hope. Not really, but was a fun idea. Did get an email from another guy but he’s not right for me.

Had dental consultation today for some preventive gum issues in the front of my lower teeth. I'm scared of dental procedures, I will not be totally asleep, the estimate was for $1100 and my dental insurance becomes worse with new company we become. Will see what they agree to pay though it’s something I need to get done. I’m a big believer in preventive because it sounds less painful than restorative. The dentist guy was very soft spoken with a gentle southern accent. He was showing me pictures of before and after and said, “these teeth are just like yours the way they are crooked.” I’m said, “thanks a lot.” I have really nice teeth, they are straight enough not to have needed braces. I was always so proud of that. He totally dissed one of my best features. He was kind of frisky with his dental pick. I’m thinking if he can bring me to tears with that little stick what’s he capable of with a needle and knife.

I’ve been on exercise hiatus, don’t ask me why, well okay it’s because I wanted a hiatus, why do ya think. I was 130.5 and that was good enough for me. Then it was 131.5 and I was all, that’s okay, that’s just water weight. Then I think to myself, self I’m strong enough to order Chinese food and only eat a predetermined amount, which I calculated and measured and ate, and it was all good though I noticed I was shaking a bit before eating. My Crack is here, my Crack is here! After dinner I was kind of antsy. My mom called and asked to borrow my car, hers is in the shop, and she asked me if I wanted to go with her and I said yes, to get away from the leftovers. I ended up giving my leftovers to her. I think it was the right thing to get it out of the house. I did eat the rest of the egg drop soup (very low in calories) but I think the sodium intake as of late is affecting me. Lunch buddy felt the need to comment on my swollen ankles yesterday afternoon to which I replied I have big ankles anyway but she insisted they were unusually swollen (which I don’t agree, I think they get like that everyday anyway). But after the egg drop last night, plus the other high sodium stuff, and I admit I eat too much sodium, water weight doesn’t concern me because it’s temporary, but the scale read 133.5 today, which is distressing. So, I’m back on my exercise program, fuck, and Chinese fun is over. I’m not settling down with 133.5 Pounds. He and I are not soul mates.

Then PB Guy asks me this morning, “so you decided not to wear makeup today?” WTF. Like he should care. Ex, you have a girlfriend, why are you looking at my Nars for anyway?

“I am wearing makeup, I was at the dentist so I don’t have any lipstick on. And I didn’t fix my hair today.”

Geez.

Gotta freshen my lipstick. Later.

Chirp, Chirp

I saw 130.5 on my scale. Twice. (To be sure). Gone now, but damn, I was there. That was exciting.

And can I just say for the record that Secretary rocked. I loved that movie. Rent it and think me strange, I don’t care. I liked Red Dragon too. I saw Ralph Fiennes buuu-tt! It was a little larger than I was expecting, I gotta say.

No replies to my profile, still. I’m very disturbed. It’s practically the same profile as before when I got 5 million responses. I can open the website and hear crickets chirping now. It’s very sad.

Oh, I forgot to mention the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen has a profile up. He is beautiful. I’ve been sending telepathic messages to him to write me but it’s not working. He’s so pretty I’d be knocking stuff over and tripping a lot in his presence. He’d completely rattle me. But he should write anyway. If I could think of something clever to write I’d write him.

Later – Wrote “Will Make Me Trip and Knock Over My Glass” Guy. We’ll see what happens.

Instant Karma

Ok so obviously I have some bad internet mojo karma. I’ve alienated myself in the blog community and I have received no replies to my ad in 3, yes, 3 days. I must light some aromatherapy candles and meditate or something to help my cyber-aura. Hmm. Not sure what to do with the ad. Don’t want to tinker with it everyday lest seem desperate.

And I’ve been invited out to this party/festival thing downtown, something I DO NOT want to do. But in the spirit of exposure to the opposite sex I feel like I should go anyway. I certainly can’t meet anyone sitting at home watching DVD’s. Though if I’m somewhere I don’t want to be how open am I to meeting Mr. Yeah Right. Must really think about this and make a proper decision. Should I step outside of my comfort zone in hopes of something special happening (miracle) or stay home and enjoy myself (easy and comforting). That’s a toughie. This has been a long week and would be nice to just relax.

Weight: Up, down, up, down, cha, cha, cha. Make a decision and stick with it Scale. I would really like to see a new number. Something in a 131 would be nice. I had funny idea to write a Dear John letter to 133 Pounds (and his chocolate-pimping cousin 135.5 Pounds) but then my weight went down and ruined my idea. Obviously 132 is a weight that makes me want to eat so I will try to break the cycle. I think I’ve got it under control, which is always an easy thing to say on Friday. Weekends are definitely difficult for me. Last night, I was so hungry I woke myself up. I was going to eat to curb the scraping of my stomach feeling but really really really wanted to see a decent number on the scale. And I’ve been downtracking from the 135.5 I was graced with on Monday (after mini-binge) and really didn’t want to have to retype 133 on my weight chart. If it were any other night I would have gotten up and eaten something. Amazing what one will do for a number on a scale. But my numbers have been skewed for 5 weeks now (I had a 2.5 pound gain in March), it's just a mess, and I’m determined to turn it around, and get past this self-imposed plateau.

I’m determined to turn a lot of things around.

Self-Competetion

I don’t think I fully explained my reaction yesterday and I confused some people. I want to try to clarify. I came across what I felt were posts that looked down upon and pointed specifically to, the struggles that I face. It wasn’t, as I’ve been told, specifically directed at me, as my response wasn’t specifically directed back to an specific journaler. This better than you (or rather not like you) attitude looked to be spreading like a virus and I wanted to tell my side, from the "obsessed" calorie counter with body image issues and binge issues. I live the other side so I wanted to defend myself and people like me. I am not weak. I’m not obsessed with my blue jeans. I’m just under a B cup as of today, who's goal is that ask you? I do not wallow. I am not sad. My intention is not to make my readers sad. It’s to provide insight into my world and my struggles. And that’s all I was doing yesterday.

I think everyone’s struggle is individual. Everyone is working their personal program to best suit their needs. We are competing with our own selves and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard because we all from time to time are going, “why am I putting myself through this?” And we all have a different answer. And it’s not to be thin and have a perfect life. I didn’t and still don’t expect this to solve my problems. I thwarted a self destructive lifestyle that would eventually kill me. I was 199 pounds but I might as well have been 350+ pounds, I was headed in that direction. I would be there now or very soon had I not stopped myself and reversed my path. I set a goal and I’m determined to reach that goal. It’s not obsession with this figure in my head, it’s the determination to follow through and complete a goal I set for myself. When that goal is accomplished I have new goals to face and reach. I spoke up against what I felt was a slam against the way I diet (some of the ways I diet, obviously I don't over-exercise, though it's still vital to my program) and my internal thoughts and struggles through this process (my blues and disappointments) and my body-image/self-image struggles that I’m trying to break after 31 years of brainwashing and further daily media and personal bombardedment.

I wasn’t trying to attack anyone I really wasn’t. I was defending my side and others who felt hurt by what was being written. I don’t think we should be trying to hurt each other. We should be bonded by our struggles not trying to tear each other apart.

On to other things:

My results are back from the ultrasound. I have 4 fibroids, the largest is 4 cm. He’s still not sure if I have a bicornate uterus, I would need an MRI to be sure. He said I should wait until I’m ready to try to have kids. I think I’ll wait and see if I have trouble conceiving. That’s off in the distance anyway. No sense blowing my milk money on that.

Also: Firefighter shot me down. Is not a cat person. The other guy hasn’t written back. I don’t think I’m into him anyway. Don’t need another guy who makes me wait around for him. So basically this experience is sucking so far. Chin up.

Oh yeah, and as briefly mentioned, I don’t fill a B bra anymore. This is very strange to me. It may be because all my bras were stretched out in my former voluptuousness. I think I’ll have to get some new bras.

Body Image/Self Image/Sisterhood

Every so often while making my blog rounds I’ll stumble upon something that strikes a chord with me or hurts me. Sometimes I’ll write about it right away in my impulsive way and pound my tired feet upon my little wobbly soap box proclaiming that I know what I’m talking about. But in recent events outside of the blog community I’ve lost someone dear to me by being impulsive and firing off at the hip. So when I came across something that hurt me and cut me, I tried to let it go. I was going to ignore it and push forth in what I know is true and real, my journey. But now it’s written about somewhere else and comments are festering about dropping the reading of this blog or that due to it’s sadness or lack of strength or lack of self worth or whatever that makes some of us less important and valuable I suppose than the rest of the got it together I’m so darn healthy with my pedestal resting healthy body image bloggers. I’m so pleased for you and the ease at which you judge your body and your life. Thanks for smashing me down and making me feel less a person, less a writer, less a life struggler. And thanks for doing it to my friends too. And mostly thanks for those who are choosing not to read me, god forbid anyone be honest about what they really feel and how they push themselves in the name of being a better person. Much better to read on endless paragraphs about the intricacies of last weekend’s chocolate sundae and how you’ve been doing this for 3 years and have been struggling with the same 20 pounds, but you feel so gosh darn healthy so it’s all good. Fuck Diet Chick for losing 60 pounds and being a size 8. Being size 8 is not the answer to all life’s greatest riddles. I’m so fucking glad she’s gets to see that now. See how she’s obsessed with a caloric figure. See how she gets pissed at herself for going over her calories in a mini-binge and gaining 3 pounds. How stupid is she? Why is she possibly worried about that? She totally has the wrong idea. She should not obsess. What is 3 pounds? A mini-binge, who gives a crap. She’s obsessed with being 130 pounds. She’s obsessed with eating 1200 calories. She’s obsessed, and it’s really so sad, with being gerbil like 5 times a week for ½ hour. Exercise is fun. I love my shin splints and my bad back and my blisters. But most of all I love my water. And look at her, she’s just as sad as she was at 199 pounds. She didn’t figure a damn thing out. Let’s just brush over the fact that she TOTALLY knew she was going to find herself here because ha ha she’s been here before. She still doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She has no right to be worried about losing herself again. She has no right to expect herself to reach her goal (just as your goal may be a marathon and you’d be pissed if you couldn’t quite do it). Let’s brush over how she spends pretty much equal time struggling with her self worth as she does her body image. That she’s really working on this and it troubles her.

Do you not think I struggle with the very same issues you do? Do you not think as you so carelessly rip my life out of context for your own degradation that I know exactly what I am doing and am trying to work myself out of it. I’m not wallowing in anything. This is a self improvement blog. I’m facing my fears and working through them. Kudos for you for not having shit to worry about.

No one is better than anyone else in this struggle. No one is healthier. No one is thinner. No one has a better body image. But just in case you think you are better, just in case last night on the phone your mother didn’t tell YOU how no one at work will be interested in you even though you are now thin because they knew you as a fat person and they’ll always see that. Because that certainly wouldn’t affect YOU or your excellent body image. Because you are strong and I am weak. Because I’ve heard this shit basically everyday of my life since being a chubby baby it shouldn’t affect me, no. Because I am one of those people who is physically beautiful when thin and not physically beautiful when overweight (though inside I’m just the same sad messed up girl). Because being beautiful in my family, in my community IS all that matters. That I’ve been inappropriately hit on by people, men, that I should be able to trust in my life and told I was pretty while it was happening. No, there’s no reason for me to be fucked up. And let me reiterate that my purpose here isn’t to wallow in it but work through it.

You haven’t got a clue what I go through. Don’t read it if you don’t understand. Then again maybe you should. Learn from those different than yourself. Expand your mind. But what you shouldn’t do is blast me because my struggle is different than yours. My struggle is my own. My honesty is overwhelming on my blog. Some of you don’t deserve it. You only want to make yourself feel better, which is surprising considering you have so much self worth. I can’t understand why you feel the need, if that is the case, to put others down. But I’m here for those who see the honesty in my words, the truth of what I live, the non-censorship of what I have to say. I hope they value me but even if they don’t, I do this for me and me alone.

Thanks for reading. Or for not reading if that’s the case.

Just Do It

After having a good diet day yesterday I’ve come to realize that sometimes you need a good day to remind you that yes you can do this. Don’t let the fact that you’ve done it for 11 months play into any of it but a good day, like yesterday, will certainly help if the 11 months don’t.

And the funniest thing happened checking my email today. When I first decided to join the internet dating site way back last year, Novemberish or so I was checking out all the male prospects. And there was this one guy that’s totally my type, cute, but not too cute, but big and strong like I like, and has absolutely nothing in common with me, wants a girl that’ll get up early on a Saturday to drive to the mountains (like 6 hours from here mind you) to ride a freaking bike!, yeah right. There’s like hills and stuff in the mountains, right? Anyway, besides that and his penchant for The Simpsons, and I’m more a Sopranos girl, I joined hoping he’d write me because he is so cute and kissable. And the boy never did. He never wrote. Of course we have nothing in common and I have chubby Halloween arms so why should he? Well, he wrote me today! I can’t believe it. I was doing my normal what does THIS redneck look like query back to the site to see his profile and bang, there he is, the cute guy. So now I have to decide if I want to rejoin and write him back eventually leading to at best a relationship with someone I have nothing in common with but is cute enough to kiss and let’s face it, I’ll probably fall for him anyway because I NEED THE DRAMA. Everyone knows that. Who am I kidding?

But god, you should see what he wrote me. It’s completely grammatically, well, just basically plain wrong. And I’ve dated guys like this before (Storyteller Guy) and even fell for them and he even kicked my ass at trivial pursuit but can’t the boy just read what he wrote before pressing send. Is that asking too much?

(Not that I’m saying that my grammar is perfect. I know it’s not. But if you read this you’d see huge huge problems with a two sentence email. And he uses “u” for “you” and stuff.) And it’ll cost me $21 just to write the guy. Hmm. Well, that was the point wasn’t it?

Later – ok I replied to him. And I took it upon myself to write a 27 yr old firefighter. I don’t think he’d find me on his own because he wants a girl in her 20s so I wrote him anyway just in case. He looked kinda cute to me. Could be the uniform, hard to tell. I’ve never made the first move in these things but it’s all about being outside your box, right?