I'd No Longer Be in Your Mind, The Difficult Kind

Why is it everyday I feel worse rather than better? I should be feeling better. I feel worse today than yesterday and yesterday, despite the lack of tears, was worse than the day before. Time heals all wounds. Well, AMD is not on the internet dating site any longer. He was telling the truth. He didn't lie. I thought he lied and lost him forever but he didn't lie. Not that he liked me because he was pulling away anyway but he didn't lie. And I think it was the lie that was sustaining me. Much better to not want someone in your life because they are a liar. Much different feeling of they just don’t like you.

But in any case, two more pounds down. Three point five to go. Though I think I'm going to need to keep going to 125 pounds. I think I'll still have a tummy at 130. I'll just have to see how I feel at goal weight.

I'm pretty miserable and have another tough day at work ahead of me. I hope after this weekend I'll be feeling better, if even a little bit. Just to be away from work and trying to concentrate when I just want to be left in my misery (aren't you guys glad I don't post on the weekends) and wallow and be sad and then get over it and try to press forward.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

(Liking this broken heart title theme, all my favorite songs)

This is the wrong time to be suffering a broken heart. Work is insane. Yesterday I worked 10 hours. And I just want to go home and be sad, you know. But then when I’m home I just feel so weird. And television doesn’t help, and working out only temporarily helps, and talking about it only temporarily helps. And people are saying how I seem so fine. But I’m not, I just have to be, I’m at work. I have to push it somewhere else and deal with it later. I just feel so nauseous. I feel so outside myself. And these stomach pangs keep happening every so often. Like someone’s trying to jerk an organ from my rib cage. I’m assuming that’s my heart, hence the term feeling broken hearted.

I watched the Dr Phil on fighting fair last night and learned so much. I called my mom and we talked some more about relationships. She made me feel bad for a while, that I was the common denominator in my relationships and should look to see what I’m doing wrong. I know what I did wrong but I don’t think I did wrong things until the relationship was on the downside anyway. It was only in reaction (and bad reaction that I’m in no way trying to justify) to what was happening and venting my frustrations in completely inappropriate ways. It’s difficult to fix your problem areas. It’s something I’m working on but it doesn’t happen over night. If he cared, which I guess he doesn’t, he would recognize that when we spoke I was completely calm and rational. A hostile “dramatic” girl would have cussed him out and not approached it the way I did. I really do think this reactionary thing I have is gone. I lost it in work situations, since I made someone cry, I just don’t have it in me anymore, and now with my personal relationships I finally see how it’s just so wrong to be that way. I think in the future I won’t have this problem again. I really really don’t. Anyway I learned a lot and the next time it’ll go better. I’ll have no regrets next time. Mom called back later and I was listing and justifying my relationships to her and she was like I just called to say there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re fine, you’re going to find the right guy. And loaded me with compliments and I felt much better.

My size 10s are falling off of me. It’s very strange. I can’t shave my legs anymore without cutting myself on my ankles or knees because they’ve gotten so bony. I totally forgot what it felt like to cut yourself shaving. I was looking for a sweater yesterday and last minute grabbed one and was thinking how I wasn’t in the mood to stretch out the sleeves and waist and went to put it on and it slide right on plenty of room to spare. That is a weird feeling. You get so used to that disappointing tight sweater feeling that this new loose thing feels like the oddest sensation in the world.

TOM will probably hit today/tomorrow and effect my weigh-in but if I stay where I am right now I’ll be very pleased. Edit: Damn TOM's early this month. Not like I wanted 28 days or anything.

You’re a Little Late, I’m Already Torn

I have rehashed yesterday over and over in my mind. I’ve discussed it ad nauseam with my mother and though I did something really really stupid yesterday it still doesn’t change the facts.

The email was stupid. It was a mistake. A horrifying mistake. AMD called yesterday pretty early and hadn’t read the email to that point. He asked me what it said and I said to be honest with me and told him about seeing his profile and he was like that’s not what you think. He explained that he accidentally reinstated his profile and didn’t even realize it. But he did talk to me about this time/needy issue between us and he isn’t willing to give me more of his time. That’s the bottom line.

And the thing is before I got home yesterday I was so strong and so convinced that he wasn’t the guy for me and thinking of all the things I wanted in a man and my future and knowing he didn’t want to be those things. Mom helped a lot yesterday reaffirming what I like in a relationship, going out in groups, meeting friends and family, hanging out, etc and how I wasn’t getting it from him and how I’d be miserable. And I agreed. I truly felt it in my heart that he was wrong for me.

Then he called.

And I found myself trying to get right back in it. Because I like him. I’m probably in love with him. And his voice is like honey and it overtakes all my sensibilities. And the only thing I can say is I had the opportunity to say everything I wanted to say, tell him all my feelings and thoughts as rationally as possibly. And I said everything that I wanted to say. There was nothing I left unsaid. And I value that. And I probably could have continued to see him once a week, 52 times a year, and grown old, alone, not to mention child-less.

Then he read the email.

“See that’s what I’m talking about. This drama.”

Ouch.

Edit: And it was the last line of the email that did it. After asking him to be honest with me, even if he wants to put it in an email that would be fine, the last line I wrote that I'd call him but I had torn up his numbers.

I still tried to explain my side, thinking he was in Raleigh, and not returning my call after 2 days, I didn't know what to think, but wasn't going to call him anymore if he wasn't going to return my calls, which is how I feel but I should not have put in an email to him, and I even said if he couldn’t look past a terrible sentence then he must not care about me very much because if you care about someone you let some things go.

But I don’t think it helped. I think he’s pretty over me, if he wasn’t already, and once again I gave expert technique in driving the last nail into the coffin, my specialty.

But even taking that away, this was just not going to happen. He even listed out his plans for this week and the only day he doesn’t have any plans (including the entire weekend) is Thursday, which is the one day I actually have a routine I actually like.

There was so much said but I can’t rehash it. Parts come back to me through the night and today I’m sure and I cringe or feel good about what I said. It was ended in a very open ended way for something that has more closure than the majority of my relationships. He most certainly can call me and I would really like to talk to him. He can miss me and want to offer me more of a relationship. He can think ill of me and never speak to me again. He can, and good luck, find another girl on the internet and go through this all over again or fall in love and not drive any more women over the edge of their good sanity.

I was almost there you know. I almost had a whole relationship without doing anything wrong, stupid, or immature. Just two little things. It’s a vast improvement from my past relationships and I recognize what I did and now know NOT TO DO IT. But sometimes, you just get that little fire [DRAMA] and it just comes out without any control. I think if he were a child of divorce he could understand better why things like that just happen. I grew up in a volatile family. I’m a cake walk compare to what I grew up with. But compared to an unbroken family I look like a neurotic nutcase. And let’s face it, it’s hard to hide what you are. It always CREEPS out sooner or later.

Diet is fine, weight is back down. It’s all good kids. We’ll see 130 one day. Love, well, that’s another story entirely.

Out of Reach

I logged onto the internet dating site first thing this morning after another night with no phone call to sign up and see what happens sort of thing. So I re-sign on and log in and oh just check my potential matches. AMD is on there. Last update less than 24 hours.

Huh?

I immediately get chills and shakes like I’m really cold. I read his profile again and re-look at his pictures. He had additional pictures up that he didn't have up before. No tears. I’m okay. Yeah, this is fine. Just shaking a little. That’ll pass.

Notice Mom sent me an email to call her so she doesn’t miss her hair appointment. Dialing the number here come the tears. Eight thirty in the morning is too early for tears. I had shaking baby tears. Whimpering, the works. Very sad.

Then Lunch Buddy comes in with sick daughter who she rushes away from first sight of heartache tears, lest scare her off men forever. She hold me and consoles me, not quite as good as mom who says really nice things about me and has for weeks now (and mom’s not usually like that usually she tells me what I should have done differently). Lunch buddy goes more the route men are assholes. Soon whimpering stopped and I was just kind of mad. Then PB Guy comes in and tears start again. He offers the lame Many Fish in the Sea to which I snap and they’re all just as mean. He gives a weak no and shuts the door between our offices.

Oh and then there’s the email I wrote. Please call me, be honest with me, blar blar break my heart and get it over with already will ya.

Yesterday was not a good food day. I have no excuses and I am fine today (FOODWISE!) but I still think I should talk about it and recognize it for what it was. Don’t panic or anything I didn’t binge I just had this full sensation twice yesterday. It was like a replay of Thanksgiving, just being a bit too full to be comfortable. And I suppose I could say some of it was due to the AMD stress but mainly I think I let that coupled with some work issues really bring me down. And though my strength is rebuilding 10 fold since today’s occurrence, yesterday I guess I just let it get to me. I had my yogurt and by 10 I was down getting some Oreos from the snack machine. Then I ate an entirely too big lunch a whole chicken salad sandwich and baked chips, it was a big sandwich. Then I wasn’t going to eat dinner but my mom invited me out so I had a turkey burger and a baked potato. I was just really really full. The scales were not kind but since when are they. I’m back on track today and will be exercising my little broken heart out tonight. I will persevere. I know I will be okay.

Imperfections

So yeah I made it through the weekend. Only broke down into tears once, on Saturday night, even resorting to questioning God, who I don’t even really believe in, why God, why would you do this TO ME, like I’m something special with all the other bullshit in the world, war and starvation, and I'm upset to get another distant guy?. After all my hard work and all I thought I had accomplished, why, why god why would I end up in another relationship pretty much exactly the same as the rest. Just to prove to me that I haven’t learned a damn thing and I’m still as messed up as I always was? And the only way I can show some strength of character is to break up with him, which honestly, completely and utterly honestly, I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s fair that that’s the strong person option. So I decided to go back to being agnostic and doing what the fuck I want.

And that goes for the journal too.

Because I’m at a crossroads here. I can either not talk about AMD in my journal, which is the major thing on my mind, or write about him and get a bunch of comments (not all bad, but basically to dump the guy), by people who don’t know him. And it's supposed to be a self-improvement blog not a neurotic nutcase blog. But it is my life and it’s how I chose my life to be, neurotic or not. And some of you guys say I was neurotic before AMD so I don’t see what the big surprise is anyway.

It’s still a diet blog and I do have some diet things to talk about but really it’s AMD that I’m working through. The diet, basically, at this point, is just a matter of time and perseverance. Not that I don’t think it’ll be hard. I saw 134 yesterday and today I’m back up to 135.5 today and I didn’t cheat or anything. So it’s not like some magical fun experience or anything. But I will get there. So I have plenty of smack to talk about regarding bathing suits and the horror of unexpectedly catching a glance at my stretch marks on my hips that almost caused me to scream out loud and dashed all hopes of a string bikini summer.

Imperfect skin, imperfect relationships. Life goes on.

I did check out prospects at the internet site and moaned and wailed about how I’m not doing it, no way, no how, even by-passing one thinking, oh hell no, not another Cancer. So though the idea to rejoin the site was on my mind, I don’t think I’d be very good for it right now.

AMD called last Thursday while I was at my mom’s watching Survivor. I returned home and decided not to call him back, it was after 10, in case he was sleeping, and he does need his “be nice sleep” (as opposed to “beauty sleep”).

So Friday I did the very best I could to occupy my time. I ran all my errands including buying Chanel “Chance” after being upset that I couldn’t find hipster tights at Belks. And that was a mistake, I’m on a budget, hello Crazy.

Then over to the grocery store to spend $40 somehow, god knows how, cleaning products or something.

Then home to wait until it was time to meet some friends at the movies.

Then the whole call him, don’t call him, call him, head game with myself that pretty much describes my whole weekend really in a nutshell. My thought finally resided on that it’s not nice to not call someone back. He shouldn’t have to call twice, that would be mean. And I’m not mean. So I called. Straight into voice mail. Alright, no biggie.

Saturday: No call, all day. Mind games with myself all day. Call him, don’t call him, call him twice, are you out of your mind, this is “pull away weekend” not “psycho girl weekend”. Mind games, mind games. Read 100 pages of my book. Have an incredibly sweaty workout. Mind games, mind games. Called him again. Voice mail. Fucking A. Leave strange message, “Hm, me again, ok, call me when you get this message.” What’s going on. He’s with that girl. They’re getting it on, I know they’re getting it on. They’re at dinner or something and he’s seeing it’s me and isn’t answering. Why god, why? Huge traumatic teenage-like breakdown interrupted by my mother calling from Blockbusters asking me what movie to rent (About a Boy). After being Very Helpful Video Person I didn't need to cry anymore. Return to Agnostic existence.

Sunday: Still no call. Even better workout. Hot in Herrre. Hyped up on adrenaline, I tear up his phone numbers, again. I did this last month also right after he said he didn’t want to meet me. My feeling was that he wasn’t going to return my calls. He just wasn’t going to call. If I wasn’t important enough to merit a return phone call in a 24 hour period then fuck it I’m not calling him ever again. And also, it helps knowing you can’t call him if you feel a little weak and want to go for the third call. That would be bad. So it was done. Another bath. More reading. Fix hair. Get pretty to watch Sex and the City DVD. Realize I’m not to far off from Big and Carrie.

Ring, ring.

AMD did not go to Raleigh. He’s been tied up at work, crazy work, all weekend. Meant to call me last night but fell asleep from exhaustion. He’s cranky. Even threw out some very Daniel Cleaver lines blasting my job because he’s important and I don’t get disturbed at work, because I have an easy job. Well yeah, but I can still empathize. Meanie pants. Then pulled some Cancer crabby pants that DOESN’T work on Libras who get annoyed when made to feel bad but I just let it go. Was extremely nice and very there’s the guy I like when I told him I gave away 3 of my movie coupons that he had given me thinking they were for $5 movies but were in fact for free movies! AMD says don’t worry I have about 30 in the car, you can have as many as you want. Called me back 3 times with call in interruptions, each time getting later and later to go see him, the only thing I really wanted. Decide on a whim to go for the booty call, though technically he made the call, and got struck down.

So it goes.

And now I gotta find a way to get his phone numbers back. And if I say I lost them he’ll totally know because he knows I did it before. Then he’ll know I was thinking evil sorted thoughts this weekend and was not “cool, I like my personal time too girl” which I DO if I could get past this nonsense and settle into a relationship. Right now it’s all Pavlovian. I suppose all new relationships are rather Pavlovian. Mine are anyway. You try going three years without sex or male attention and see how well you do at this.

The Fortieth Weigh Day

Holy cow, week 40. That’s sounds like a heck of a long time. Incredible weigh-in. I’m extremely pleased. I’m finding that there’s very little in my closet that I can’t wear. I’m ½ pound away from my weight when I went to Spain. I remember dieting down to get to that for my trip. I remember the shirt I wore for the flight and how much I liked how it accentuated my body. I thought I would gain weight while I was there but somehow I lost a little, even wore a size 6 dress on my birthday. Ah, memories.

But now, here I am, back at the weight I was when I decided to stop caring about my body and my life and retreat inside myself and in some ways try to destroy myself. It was during my trip to Spain that I fell apart, I remember exactly where I was in the exact moment it happened. It took another 5 months or so, the PB Guy experience and one more disappointing go with Storyteller Guy to seal the deal but I totally broke down in Spain and felt such despair about my life.

I hope I’ve learned something in this time of rebuilding. That I require more of myself and what I need and deserve from my life. That I won’t find myself in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill my needs. Or that I don’t forgo my own needs to make someone else happy when they aren’t doing the same for me.

And of course, like all plans in the universe, I’m right back where I was and have the opportunity to do the right thing and really see what I’m made of.

The only thing I can tell you for sure is I’m not doing anything today. I’m letting him go to Raleigh and I’m not going to make him feel bad about it. When he gets back we’ll see what happens. I’m taking it a day at the time. In a week or so I’ll reevaluate where things are and how I’m feeling.

I still really like him and still am not totally convinced that we can’t make this work for both of us.

But Why Not Charlie?

::Après Petit Dejeuner:: (Petit, hah!)

So AMD called last night and wanted to see me. I went over and we went out to eat. I was trying to find a healthy balance of sucking down Cape Cods as fast as possible without appearing like I was obviously sucking them down.

Three drinks and a picked over calamari platter later, AMD looks at me with his stressed out eyes and says, “You really pissed me off last night. Where did that second phone call even come from? Why would you even think that?”

To which I pulled forth I’m sorry and I just felt so insecure [don’t say anything about it being the wrong thing to say, it just came out]. Then he tells me that he’s had this problem before in relationships because he likes his space and his “routine” (my new most disliked word replacing “husband-hunter”).

He’s dreadfully tired, I could totally tell the moment I saw him and on the drive back he asked if we could just go to bed when we got home. I said that was fine. He went straight to bed and I wanted to catch who Trista picked on the Bachelorette. He said to just come to bed when I was ready. I told him it would only be a minute.

He cuddled and intertwined his legs with mine but he never kissed me. The only kiss we had the whole date was the short hello kiss. In the morning he hugged me goodbye.

I’ve been seeking some male advice from work, even PB Guy has been a huge source of comfort, I basically lost PB Guy by pushing too much so he knows exactly how I am, and in a way it's giving me closure on our own past. He told me that he didn’t think AMD didn’t want the relationship, he just wants his own space and he doesn’t want to feel bad about it. Then he gave me an example of wanting to watch a game with the guys. I said I totally understood, and I was happy seeing him even 3 days a week (as a minimum), but that was a little different than spending two weekends in a row away from someone. But I can see it from AMD’s side (though I don’t think he’s seeing my side) and it makes sense to me what he’s doing. He’s having a terrible week at work, I think he might even be developing migraines, all he’s thinking about is this weekend and wanting to do something fun and relaxing. And there’s this boat show and his friends that he’s known for all these years that he can just be natural around. With me, he’s got to think about me, his manners, keeping conversation rolling, doing something fun, etc. New relationships are work, I know this, I’ve expressed how much pressure this relationship is for me, I’m certain he’s at least experiencing a little of that. I told PB Guy, and he agreed, to just let him go to Raleigh, let him go at his own pace, and don’t make him feel bad about it. I should have tried that tactic three years ago.

::Après Dejeuner::

I have to get this off my chest. I almost had it out with Lunch Buddy over this so it’s obviously something not completely worked out of my system yet. First, I don’t like getting relationship advice from people who I feel are not in happy, healthy relationships. Those are not the people I like to listen to. I don’t give out relationship advice because I know I don’t know what I’m talking about. I recognize that I’m not good in relationships. And I’ve been thinking a lot about why, because I’m not as lacking in self-esteem as I come across. I know I have a lot to offer. I know I’m smart, pretty, funny, fun, passionate, spontaneous, energetic, easily pleased, compassionate, nurturing, a great listener, on and on. I know these things. The reason relationships scare me and make me feel insecure is not because I don’t believe in myself but because I’m scared to death of being hurt again. The moment I start to care about someone is frightening because that’s also the moment that I’m vulnerable to being hurt. I’ve been alone, by choice, for almost 3 years because I was so tired of being hurt and feeling inadequate as a person that I decided to not date any more. I don’t mind being alone. I was fine. I have a full life. I have 2 cats that adore me. I have the cutest apartment you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s cozy and almost completely decorated (though there’s always something in Pottery Barn that has me all aflutter). I have a job that although can be stressful at times really is cushy and great. I have a wonderful office, terrific coworkers. I make excellent money considering what I do and the responsibilities I have. My benefits rock. I can buy pretty much anything my heart desires if I plan properly for it. I’m not a women in need or wont. I travel. I have friends. I love my family. I’ve lost over 60 pounds and am the healthiest I’ve been my entire life. I can almost run! But most of all, I’m happy. If someone would have asked me if I was happy last May not only would I have said no but that no one else was truly happy either. I didn’t believe in it. But I don’t feel that way now. And it has nothing to do with AMD. This happened before AMD. I am happy. My life is full and great, exactly as I would have it be. I don’t feel the urge to pursue a hobby right now or even actively pursue new girlfriends. I like the ones I have and anytime I want I can go visit them. I’m really a pretty private person, despite having a public blog. I like being alone. I can entertain myself.

There’s only one reason why I signed onto that internet dating service and that was to meet a guy. To find a nice guy who didn’t make me feel bad about myself. Someone who is male to spend time with. Someone to fall in love with, maybe. To give all those hopes and dreams I once had when I was a little girl another shot.

If I wanted to take up a hobby or make girlfriends, I would have done that. I wouldn’t have signed up on the internet dating thing. It’s humiliating to be on it. I only did it to meet a guy that I liked. And I found one. And I don’t want to take up knitting or have more girl’s night. I want a boyfriend.

I want a boyfriend.

So when Lunch Buddy tells me that in a relationship you have to have your own life it really is starting to piss me off because I do have my own life. It’s full and fine, I have no qualms with my life. I wanted a boyfriend.

Not a new life. A boyfriend. An addition to my life.

Other than that I’m happy. I would have been completely happy to know what the heck happened on The Bachelorette. I have no freaking clue why Trista didn't pick Charlie. And the reason is I haven’t been watching it. If AMD wasn’t in my life I would have been totally up on the whole Bachelorette thing and I would have been fine with that. I wouldn’t be a virtual stranger to my cats. I’d have groceries in my refrigerator. I’d have seen some movies, especially the Oscar nominated ones because I’m in to that. But the relationship is what I was focused on and the shows and the movies didn’t seem as important. I can get to those anytime. I want to be around some testosterone.

So please stop telling me to get a hobby. I don’t want a hobby. Tell me to back off, give the boy some breathing air and time, which I am doing on my own thanks, tell me I should recognize all the good he does, and he does a lot of good, and stop focusing on the negative, tell me anything but that I need a hobby. And don’t think I’m unhappy or miserable and need a man to fill that because I don’t. The man is the one that has the power to MAKE me unhappy or miserable, it goes the other way around. But hey, I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m willing to take that chance. I’m very pleased that he would say, “how could you think that?” because that means it was the furthest thing from his mind. So even though I pissed him off I did find out he wasn’t even thinking about it.

Weekend To-Do List

• See How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (alone, but with popcorn that I don’t have to share, even the ones that fall on my sweater)
  
• Read 100 pgs of Good in Bed (hope it gets better lest I fall asleep in cold tub and drown, naked, with size 8 body)
  
• Dust house, clean windows (maybe even French door windows, maybe not, must conserve paper towels for the war)
  
• Avoid standard last straw question, “Aidan, do you need a spanking?” because really even if he wanted to say yes he very well couldn’t, he’s a cat.
  
• Clean out junk drawer (put items in proper place so drawer will regain ability to close properly and I can find my Carmex as needed), desk drawer (file bills and pretend I’m still at work), and vanity (remove of eye liner shavings and extraneous hair)
  
• Paint a picture… with oil paints
  
• Remove oil paint from Aidan’s fur and try to remove oil paint spill from carpeting
  
• Shop online for replacement area rug
  
• Cook something time consuming, like Gruyere soup
  
• Avoid eating Gruyere soup
  
• Catch up on all taped Dr Phils and Oprahs for the week (all 10 hours) in flannel pj’s with yellow crust in eyes and without brushing teeth (just like old times).
  
• Watch the Grammys. Try not to fall asleep or make fun of crappy music and lame acts
  
• Workout all 3 days (well maybe not Friday)
  
• Color Hair (on Sunday night, then can use excuse if called, “am busy washing hair”)
  
• Watch When Harry Met Sally with French subtitles. Can keep French fresh and distract myself from the whole Women and Men Can’t Be Friends theme of movie
  
• Cry and wail into couch pillows after lip synching the whole, “I’m difficult, I’m too structured, I’m completely closed off, no, no, I drove him away” line of Sally’s.
  
• Pluck dead plants from patio and sweep steps, keep dead shriveled Gardenia and hope it comes back
  
• Meditate with Trapp candles, comment on lovely fragrance (to myself, out loud, but don’t answer self)
  
• Clean wax from Aidan’s fur and off table top, treat scalding burns on my legs with Neosporin
  
• Boil water to see if the tea kettle will boil when it’s watched.
  
• Browse Target and bitch that all the Swell stuff is gone, like I need pink plastic psychedelic bowls.

As always you guys never fail to leave some great advice, words of wisdom, and/or encouragement. There are a couple things that stand out most.

Overall, I believe the way to go is to apologize and say it was stress related. First of all, it was stress related. If I weren’t so stressed out I would have never behaved that way.

Danelle, I liked what you said about being cool and nice. That’s great advice. I need to remember that it’s important that we still have fun and I don’t pout. And I need to be cool. I can’t overstep and be overly needy (stop yer laughing).

Taylore, I really liked what you said about all the things he HAS done for me. I think in my desperation for wanting more, more, more I haven’t thought about all he has done and it’s been A LOT. He’s very thoughtful and calls virtually every night even when he is tired. He had just gotten home yesterday and immediately called me. That means he was thinking about me. I’m the fruitcake who misinterprets everything.

If he wants to go back to Raleigh for the weekend, for the second week in a row, maybe it doesn’t have to mean something bad. He’s trying to buy a boat and there is a boat show. He also has friends there that he wants to see in a less stressful non-wedding environment. Maybe it shouldn’t be interpreted that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, he just has other interests outside of me. And this should be okay. It is okay.

I should have other interests. Heck if I know what they are but I’ll give some thought to it. There’s just really not much to do in the winter. If it were summertime I wouldn’t care as much. I’d have the pool and the beach and it would be fine. But it’s cold and there’s nothing I want to do outside but wish it were warmer. I do have friends but they don’t live here and they all have significant others who are their main source of their time. I’ve barely even seen my mother since she started dating her guy. I thought that’s how relationships were. It’s what I was looking forward to. But if it’s not how it’s going to be with AMD I either need to accept that or move on. And the thing is I like him. I don’t want to move on. It’s still early in our relationship and he is extremely thoughtful in other respects.

And you know it has to be said, that the one thing harder to find than a man is girlfriends. It is so hard to make new friends once you grow up and graduate college. I have made friends, very good special friends, but they always seem to move away. It’s just not an easy thing to do. Do I have to hit on girls in the grocery store now ? “Oh I like cantaloupe too. Maybe we can split one.” Ask my mail lady out for a drink? Ask the Wendy’s drive thru attendant if she likes Romantic Comedies?

Anyway…

Hopefully we can move past this and continue to get to know each other. Hopefully I haven’t screwed it up completely. Hopefully I can think of a fun winter hobby to fill my time. Hopefully the weight I saw on the scale today will be the same weight I see on Friday.

Understanding Girl

Oh crap, I fucked it up. I totally fucked it up. AMD calls tonight after working a very long day and I’m wired from working out and vacuuming and cleaning my bathroom and pretending I’m not really starving to death. He’s stressed and tired and I just want to see him. I’m offering up suggestions from staying home and rubbing his temples to going out for a bite. He’s very quiet and tells me he’ll call me later once he’s rested up. He calls at 9 pm. I, in the meantime, had showered, put makeup on, cleaned teeth, shaved legs, the works and now upset, contemplating washing my face and going to bed. Actually I was on the way to just doing that when he finally called. He small talks me and then tells me he either wants to take me out tomorrow or Thursday depending on when he’s out of work earlier. He then tells me he’s going back to Raleigh this weekend. There’s a boat show and he wants to hang out with his friends, the same from the wedding, now that it’s not so stressful. He’ll be gone again until Sunday. It’s just screaming in my black, evil head that he likes the girl and wants to see her again. I’m sorry but it does. I try to be Understanding Girl, always smiles, never complains, but fuck the words just started coming out my mouth and I couldn’t stop them. It was a reverse binge. Eating the fucking chocolate would have been a better idea. I said that he was gone last week and now he’s going to be gone this weekend too and I’m only going to see him twice this week. And that wouldn’t matter so much except that he was perfectly fine with it, it didn’t bother him, and that’s the way he would actually have it be. He said nothing. Nothing. Only that he’d call me tomorrow. So we hung up and my mind was racing. Weekend, full, for a girl, not me. This week he only saw me once and that’s because I practically invited myself over. Then he wants to schedule a date either tomorrow or Thursday, but not both days. I immediately call him back, total fucking freak of nature that I am. Are you planning on breaking up with me on this date? Please don’t make me wait two days to break up with me? Silence. Oh god, you are. Silence. No, that wasn’t my intention. Well it’s just making plans for the weekend, only wanting to see me one night this week, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been working a 14 hour shift, I’m tired, I didn’t feel like hanging out. But thanks for freaking out. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Fuuuuccccckkkkkk.

Now I fucking deserve to be broken up with. I’m a nut case. This is why I can’t keep a man. I’m a freak. I say stupid things at the very wrong moment. I totally fucked it up. I was Understanding Girl before tonight and now I’m Freaking Out Girl.

How the fuck do I remedy this? Do I pretend like I never was freaking out? Do I continue to talk about it because it is bugging the living shit out of me? What the fuck am I doing? How do I end up exactly where I left off every single freaking time I’m in a relationship. Can’t I meet someone who actually WANTS to be with me? And don’t say because I’m Freaking Out Girl because I wasn’t Freaking Out Girl until 1/2 hour ago.

Crap, and I had such a good eating day. And I worked out. And now it’s all shit. I can’t even sleep now. I just feel so stupid. Sorry for all the F-words.

Fighting Hunger

So I’ve been having trouble with chocolate. Chocolate for breakfast, Chocolate after lunch, Chocolate at that boring 4 o’clock hour. Chocolate on the weekends. I really do love chocolate but chocolate must be consumed in moderation, less than moderation in fact, or next thing you know, that’s all you’re eating and it loses it’s appeal. I suppose it loses it’s appeal, I haven’t reached that stage yet. But I have decided that chocolate is overtaking me and I won’t let it happen. Starting today in fact I’m on a chocolate debacle.

I’m hungry a lot lately since this weekend specifically and I’ve been thinking a lot about it and why. My fears of happiness and my impatience and my food as a defense mechanism issues and trying to figure out, though I haven’t blown my diet in the least, how to gain control. Sometimes I do feel out of control. The way I ate chocolate yesterday. Three pieces after breakfast, Three Oreos after lunch (a large lunch too), the Nestle Treasure I snatched on the way up from the snack machine with my Oreos. I had Oreos. What did I need the Treasure for? I had both? After having 3 pieces in the morning. That’s scary. That’s the kind of eating that you need to think about.

I’m thinking this new found hunger is related to my insecurities with AMD. And I’ve been trying to think of what I can do to control myself. And many thoughts and suggestions have crept into my lonely little head. Thoughts like maybe I need to date other people. Maybe he’s leaving me with too much free time on my hands and I need to fill it with other people. People more willing to let me in their lives. It’s not a decision I want to make today, I really like AMD, but in the next few weeks I really need to just think about it and decide if this is enough for me. Enough so I don’t enter this dangerous hunger area. I just feel like I’m more excited than he is. I wanted to see him on Sunday, I don’t think he really cared either way. Last night he didn’t want to see me, I wanted to see him. Tonight I don’t think he wants to see me, yet I want to see him. If a phone call is enough for him and it’s not for me then that can’t be a good thing, right? The whole point of “seeing someone” is physically seeing them, wanting to see them, getting excited to see them.

And I don’t want to start eating because I’m not getting enough attention. I don’t want my fears to get the best of me and I start eating again for protection or for comfort. I want to be strong. I want to be more patient. Damn I’m so impatient. I want to feel more secure.

Maybe instead of focusing on my insecurities with AMD I should focus on my insecurities with food. I should really focus on what I’m eating and why. Everything is great with AMD, it’s the food part that tricky, so I should focus on that. Cut out the chocolate for starters. Have some control. Make the right decisions. Persevere.

For something to be supposedly emotionally related I sure feel physically hungry. I’m really really hungry.

Squandering

Hmm, well against my better judgment I’ve been running up a little credit card balance. Not a DEBT really cause it’s still manageable but damn I can spend some money. I used to be really excited about my size 8 clothes thinking everything would be peachy if I could just wear those clothes. But they’re old. The waist bands go over my belly button. I even have legging-type clothes. Spandex. That’s not good. I can’t be expected to wear those with a straight face.

So I’ve had to buy some clothes. There’s no other way around it.

Which normally would be a good thing but I’m on a two goal path, one to weigh 130 pounds, the other to get out of credit card debt. And if I keep buying myself clothes, the first may well happen but the second will just get harder and harder to do.

And I really want a new car.

So I have to stop. I have to accept what I have and if I’m not the most stylish kid on the block then that’s the way it has to be.

Sigh.

Long wailing sigh.

But I love to buy new clothes.

Anyway, the weekend was long and dare I say arduous. I know it’s sad to not have a life but I realized this weekend the whole point of the internet dating thing was to find someone to spend time with. If I liked being by myself for an extended period, which I’ve already had the pleasure of doing for three years now, I would have never went looking for a companion. And to be alone Friday night and Saturday night and most of Sunday, panicky Sunday actually, was difficult and unenjoyable.

I did get tulips and chocolates on Saturday morning. They are very very beautiful. My mom couldn’t believe he bought me tulips because she knows I like them a lot. It’s like an omen, she said. I thought that was pretty funny she said that actually. I’m usually the “it’s fate” type person.

Speaking of mom, she’s finally decided to back off about meeting him. She decided to let me trust my instincts, thank god, but more importantly I hope she understands, I tried to tell her twice, that this relationship is very stressful and trying to me. It’s outside my box and important. I don’t want to screw it up. And it’s full of pressure. The last thing I need is a lot of pressure from her. It’s too overwhelming. I need her to support me even if she doesn’t agree. I can’t take the added pressure to please her. But she decided to let me decide what’s best and give me the space I need. I couldn’t be more pleased. It was a huge burden off my shoulders. Though I wish she’d stop comparing him to Jamie on the Bachelorette saying he may have an anxiety disorder. But I’m letting it slide if it’ll get her off my back.

And you see, like I said, this weekend was rough, like old times, and in my sadness, I wrote a post on Word, it’s still at home and perhaps part of it should be posted but not the worst parts, because it wasn’t 20 minutes later that I had a bouquet of tulips to stare at for the rest of the weekend, but still! I can be a very selfish girl. I’m not always super nice. Sometimes I get upset that I’m seeing some really great guy and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I don’t even know if I’m his girlfriend. I don’t know. I only know I think too much. And having a weekend to yourself, by yourself, without even a mother to distract you, makes you think even more than you should.

Not that I’m not still thinking now that he’s back. Overanalyzing something that’s really terrific and shouldn’t be picked apart. I don’t know what my problem is but I’ve got to get it under control. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation that’s this great and going so well and still I question it. Maybe because I’m not used to being this happy. And I’m trying to dramatize it to normalize it for myself. Any little slip up: a dumb ass name for his boat “Engaged” or “Merry Me” because he’s spending engagement ring money (for the Ex, remember her?) on the down payment, or a slip up that he used to cheat on his girlfriends in his youth (it just slipped out and fuck if I wanted him to expand on it), or that fact that I had to wait until almost 7 pm for him to call me on Sunday, though he was stuck in an ice storm and not thinking about me stir crazy at home. And focusing on that rather than, oh I don’t know, the tulips, the fact that he spared time to take me to lunch on Valentine’s day, that he called me during the reception, that he says things like I usually only get one card on Valentine’s, from my son, and I’m saving your chocolate, and of course I’m taking you out on my boat and it has a big cushion in the front, like you wanted, to lay out. And on and on and on.

Is there anyone more insecure than me? Just seems so wasted. I should really just drop all that and enjoy this time to its fullest. I should just be happy and accept it as such. Not what it may become in the future, and who’s to say that sadness and heartbreak is even a guarantee. What if I’m worried about nothing. What if he IS the right person for me. And I squander away the beginning of it with my insecurities.

Yes, must stop that. No squandering, of the Platinum Card or the Good Times. Must make the best of every gift I have. And I have lots.

Besides unnecessary chocolate consumption I’ve been doing very well on The Diet Front, though I was hungry on Saturday and Sunday and haven’t felt hunger like that in a while. I’ve also been doing extremely well with exercising, making myself exercise even though I’ve been trying desperately to talk myself out of it. The earlier I exercise the better, that’s for sure. I’ve been feeling really good about my body lately. There’s only a couple spots I’m still not pleased with, the inner thigh area and of course my stubborn belly, but even my breasts are looking more rounded and lofty of late. I still don’t feel entirely different body-image wise than 150 or 199 pounds even. My stomach really feels just as large most of the time. And it’s strange because I’ll wear a skirt that was tight not even a month ago and it feels so loose I feel like I forgot to zip it and I’ll keep checking the zipper to make sure I zipped it up. Yet I still feel fat. It’s very weird. Though it is lessening. I felt thinner yesterday than I have all along. Yesterday was definitely a thin day though I was hungry and ate too much chocolate. Today my jeans feel absolutely normal. Not tight in the least. And no fat squishing over the top. Maybe the last bit of weight will be the most obvious to myself. I just always thought anything under 140 would be perfectly fine. But it’s not. Hopefully the last bit will put me where I want to be.

Just Another [Weigh] Day

I know, I know, 137.5. I didn't even want to post it. It seems like too much but I got on the scale twice and it gave me that weight. I would have been happy with 139. I just wanted to be able to say I lost 60 pounds. So geez another 3 pound loss week, what could possibly top that?

AMD's taking me to lunch today, on Valentine's Day! And he called twice yesterday, the first to make the plan for today and the second time at 10 pm to say goodnight. Aw. Damn I like that boy.

It's already the best Valentine's Day and it hasn't even started yet.

In the Eyes of the Beholder

So I haven’t described AMD and I’ve gotten a request to know what he looks like. I can’t post his picture for obvious reasons but I will try to describe him for you.

He’s tall, over 6 feet, but not obviously tall. He’s got a nice medium build, he complains that he’s fat or out of shape but I like him soft, though I do like muscular arms on a guy and his are a-okay. He’s fair skinned but not as pale as myself. I’m pretty sure he was blonde as a kid but like most blondes, turned dirty blonde, ok light brown, after puberty. He keeps his hair very short but it’s nice and very soft to the touch. And with it short he can never complain that I’m messing it up which I like because I love to touch his hair. He’s thinning a bit but it doesn’t bother me. I think it concerns him but he’s perfectly fine the way he is. He was an officer in the Navy so he has that commanding military presence but not overdone like he’s ready to slash someone’s throat. You feel very protected when you’re with him. But at the same time there’s a gentleness to him. It’s a combination that works to come across equally gentle, or compassionate, and commanding. He dresses better than any other guy I’ve ever dated, completely my style with a lot of J Crew, Banana Republic, Abercrombie, and Ralph Lauren clothes. Very conservative, casual, handsome, well put together look. Even his coats and shoes are nice and along the same look. He wears mostly neutral colors, a lot of black that I love on a guy. The most obvious features of his face are his green eyes, which are rare and I have green eyes too so it’s kind of neat to look into the eyes of someone with the same rare color that you have, and his nose. He has a cute little nose. Not that it looks out of place on his face because it’s perfectly proportioned but it’s a cute little nose, I don’t know how else to describe it. His eyes, like I described, are attentive. He definitely takes everything in from a room. I don’t think I do that. I think my eyes reflect a more inward searching. His eyes seem to hold a lot that he doesn’t readily share, but as he gets more comfortable with me maybe I’ll understand more of what’s going on in his head. It often causes me to ask him, “what?” when he looks at me though he usually answers, “nothing,” and smiles.

I did NOT want to workout today at 6 am this morning. I even went to bed at 8:30 and missed whatever happened on The Bachelorette. AMD’s friend was in town last night, I think he is tonight too, so I didn’t get to talk to him though I suppose I could have called and interrupted him. Anyway, I didn’t want to workout. But I got up and exercised anyway. And I remember seeing that I had over 10 minutes to go and I was DYING and just had to keep telling myself, “fight for it, fight for it.” Do you know how many times you can say, “fight for it,” in a 10 minute period of time, well less the 4 or so minutes of “Hot in Heeere” – that song will ALWAYS get my mind off my workout. It’s a lot of fight first thing in the morning for a non-morning person girl like myself. But I did it, thank god, and am taking tomorrow off.

Weigh day tomorrow, I’m excited.

Smile

The neatest thing happened last night. And I had a horrible day yesterday at work. I was almost reduced to tears. And all I could think about to get me through the day was the thought of hugging AMD later in the day. And that thought got me through.

We went to dinner last night at a restaurant we went to a week or so ago. We were having a great time with each other and at the end of our meal our waitress from our last visit came up to our table. She looked at me and said that she had waited on us last week, which we remembered, and she didn’t want to tell us then, to appear like she was trying to get a better tip, but she wanted me to know I had a really nice smile.

I thought that was such a nice thing to say. AMD said yes she does, she has a great smile.

That made me feel so good to have an anonymous person to give such a complement And then AMD told me he only responded to one profile on the internet dating site, mine, and the reason was because he liked my smile.

Wow.

Weight-wise I’ve been very pleased with the scale, including this morning’s weigh in. That I’m sure will be history once my metabolism gets a hold of the 4, yes 4, alcoholic beverages I had last night. I was so smashed last night. But besides that it was a great night of healthy foods: crab legs, oysters Rockefeller, and shrimp cocktail. So maybe I’ll pull it off anyway. I skipped working out today but there’s still a small chance that I may work out tonight but even if I don’t as long as I work out tomorrow, which I will for sure, it’ll still be a 5 day week and that’s wonderful in my book. We’ll all have to tune in for the big weigh-in on Friday, Just-Another-Day-Day.

Re comments: I really don’t get the impression that AMD is playing games either, I really don’t. I believe he’s a good guy. It’s not a big deal to me now that he wanted some space, or free time to clean his house or chill out alone time. It only concerned me at the time because I didn’t know the reasoning behind it. He could want to do some housework and relax alone or could have been totally sick of me and wanted to back way way off. He called the very next night so obviously the later was not the case. My concerns are at an all time low right now. I’m really feeling quite well.

I Believe

Last night he called while I was out to dinner with my mom. I returned his call and everything seems okay. He wanted to take me to dinner last night so it was a 24 hour break he wanted from me. Very small rubber band, indeed.

I have to let him pull away and realize I am worth snapping back to, though waiting to get snapped by a rubber band is rather scary. All I want is to do the right thing. Do I let him pull away and be there waiting for his call when he determines that ok now it’s okay to be with me? Is that really fair to me?

It just scared me a bit when he broke our plans. It made me feel very vulnerable. I need to believe that I have something to offer in order for this to ever work out. I have to believe in myself. And I don't think I've ever really felt that way before. Or maybe I once did and guy after guy tore me down and made me feel like I didn’t have worth. Or maybe it was before that, before dating. In any case, this is an opportunity for me to grow and learn to believe in myself. And I do. At least I'm getting there.

A Test of What You Really Want

Everyone has a pet peeve. I don’t even know if it’s a pet peeve but something that bothers you so intensely and it really is nothing but for some odd reason it gives you the heebie geebies.

Well for me it’s rubber bands. Not the fabric covered elastics for your hair and not even the nice thick rubber bands that’ll stretch to the size of a basket ball. No, it’s those little thin ones that are often around the mail that make me cringe. I have to sit there and carefully remove the stupid thing while I’m cringing like bugs were crawling on me. The sound and the texture, the frailty of it, tempting to break and snap on my skin, I hate it. I’m sure it has something to do with step brothers chasing me around the house as a kid snapping rubber bands at me until I cried.

And that book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, that I mentioned the other day. I don’t remember that much about the book except a few things. One of those things is the analogy of a man’s feelings being like a rubber band. I totally remembered that. What better analogy for a person who pulls away and brings up all those horrible insecurities than a fucking rubber band. And you just know it’s not one of those thick rubber bands that would never break no matter how hard it was pulled back. No, it’s one of those little fragile ones that pulls back and snaps so easily. And there’s nothing you can do but carefully pull it back and try to release it, simply, carefully, cringing all the while.

Yes, he’s pulling away. Perfectly natural, I don’t blame him for it but I hate it all the same. We’ve spent a lot of time together. A lot of time. And finally last night, he broke off our plans saying he needed to do some things around the house. That he’s not used to spending so much time with someone and is used to being alone.

Like I’m not.

And it’s fine, it’s natural, it’s what it is. But I have to react very carefully to insure it snaps back. If it does snap back. Hopefully it does. I don’t know, what do I know. I’m terrible at these things. I pushed him too much. I totally invaded his space thinking he wanted me there and he didn’t and I messed it all up. I should have played it more carefully. I should really try to like my time alone too.

So anyway, that’s were we are. On a fragile rubber band being extended and making me cringe.

In other news, I saw 139.5 on the scale today though I feel fat all the same.

This week should be interesting, though not necessarily in a good way. I am set up to exercise 6 days this week. All I have to do is simply wake up at 6 am. It’s all a matter of what one wants. That’s the theme of the week.

For Stacey, a Cape Cod is a drink that’s Vodka and Cranberry. Such a cute drink with a haughty little name. Anyway avoid them at all costs lest you think you need them to be unusually social.


-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Weird, that last bit is totally me.

Venus Girl

Wow, that’s the most comments I’ve ever received on a post. Of course half of them are from Bob, and funny too. Yes Bob, I’ve taken Women & Men in Society and read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (the dating version I believe). I get it! I really do. I was expressing my side. And I knew while I was doing it that I was being petty and immature. That’s why I’ve been contemplating deleting it since a few hours after posting it. But the responses were so insightful that I decided to leave it.

I want to defend the commenters who said he might surprise me with flowers. All they are doing is making me feel better and letting me have this romantic idealism, so important to girls despite how silly it is, if only for a moment that maybe there will be flowers on my desk (and how stupid a thing to want anyway) next Friday. Either way, whether there’s flowers or not, it doesn’t matter to me. If they are there I’ll be extremely happy and surprised. But like someone said, if it’s so important to me to not be humiliated on V-day then I should buy my own flowers.

What is IMPORTANT and I thought I had clarified it but I’ll say it again, is the time we spend together. Not Valentine’s but all the days we get to see each other. Because the more we see each other the more we get to know each other and one day this little special something could be a big special something. Something really secure and safe. Something I didn’t think I’d ever have in my life. You’re forgetting I’ve spent the past 2 to 3 years trying to be at peace with myself, by myself. If my childhood Disney Princess fantasies of falling magically in love and marrying were not going to happen and it was pretty obvious that it wasn’t then I was going to go it alone and find some way to be happy about it.

I can’t tell you how refreshing it is with AMD. I’m used to guys who want to date me but only when they want it. I’ve gotten so meticulous about what I will do that all the fun is totally gone. But it’s not like that with AMD. If I want to kiss him, I can kiss him. If I want to call him, I can call him. If I want to do this or do that, chances are we’ll probably be able to do it. I’m not reading it as Holy Cow it’s True Love after 3 weeks. It may be coming across that way in my enthusiasm but I assure you that’s not the case at all. I’m just happy to be able to spend time with someone I like. I’m so happy that I don’t have to accept being alone. I’m happy that it is possible not to be miserable in a relationship. I’m amazed at the freedom I feel. It’s not LOVE but freedom, the possibilities are endless. And I can’t wait to explore each one in their own time and way.

What else do I have to defend here? They aren’t in the wedding. They are guests and it’s perfectly fine to match, I suppose, though I’ve gone to weddings with dates and never had this whole matching tie to dress thing. The only reason it matters is they are friends who I don’t think should have to match not in that cutesy look at us we match boyfriend/girlfriend way and that’s the impression it gives to me as an immature girl that when she wants to match him, she likes him. I don’t know her, but I know girls.

But you know, what can I do about that? There’s nothing I even WANT to do about that. I’m not the jealous sort. I don’t believe in it. I’ve seen the ramifications of what happens when you are jealous and it’s not good. If he wanted to be with her he would have never called me, or met me, etc. What we went through to get to this place wasn’t easy. It’s highly awkward to meet someone via internet dating service. If she was what he wanted he wouldn’t have pursued me. If he gets there and decides for some strange reason all the sudden that she is someone he wants to see, whatever I say or do before hand directly related to that will have only an adverse effect. The only thing I can do is concentrate on our time together. If we are having a great time (and I need another word to use besides “great” and “fun” because it’s more than that) together then that’s the most I can offer. Either he likes me or he doesn’t. I can only control me. But I’m really not all that concerned. I hate Valentine’s Day. I hate how it makes me feel like I’m unloved and sad. It’s the only holiday that makes you sad. And three weeks into a relationship (and honestly even a year and three weeks) I’m not expecting a fantasy Valentine’s day. I only wanted to not be sad. That’s all I want.

But again, that’s on me. I can let Valentine’s day make me sad or I can just eat my little pink cupcake and go on with my day. It’s my choice. And my thoughts were, WERE, oh how great would it be if I did get flowers delivered to me. After last year’s nightmare, even worse than the year before, where delivery trucks were arriving by the hour and I swear to god every desk here that belonged to a girl had a bouquet except mine. The year before, and I was going to wait until Valentine’s Day to write about this, but the year before a handful of girls had no men in their lives and we were all sad about it, as is the purpose of the holiday, and I suggested we order each other flowers and write fake secret admirer notes to each other, just for fun, but we decided it was too expensive. So initially yes, when AMD brought up Valentine’s day, not me, him, I was excited to be seeing someone during this god awful holiday, and thought that this year would be different and all the little immature selfish thoughts crept into my little girlie head about getting flowers and going out to dinner until he told me he wasn’t going to be here. But not just that but that he wished he could be here. He wants to spend it with me. He tried to get out of it but can’t. That’s special to me. And really after reading my own immaturity yesterday and Bob’s sock it to me comment, that’s all I need. Just to know he wanted to be with me is enough. And I mean that.

So can I talk about my weigh in now? I’m up ½ pound. I did drink half a soda before weigh-in totally forgetting but … just weighed my soda on the postage meter… well the other half weighs 9 oz it could be the weight of the soda. But even then that’s a maintain and not a loss. I have to really think about where to go from here. It’s also a TOM week so I have to keep that in mind too. I only worked out 3 days and it should have been a minimum of 4 days, really 5 days. We all already know I’m drinking too much alcohol and I have to really think about that. I can live without the alcohol it doesn’t really matter to me. But I don’t want to be a prude in front of AMD who drinks a couple drinks after work. I also do like how it loosens me up. I think the alcohol consumption will naturally reduce itself as we continue to get to know each other. I’ve never been a “drinker.” So that leaves calories. I think what I should probably do is reduce my lunch calories. I need to be in the range of 300 to 400 calories for lunch (it’s 600 to 700 usually now). That should help and give me more calories in the evening for dinner and a drink or two. I also need to make sure to have yogurt on hand (and possibly make the switch to eating a banana instead and save 90 calories). I’ve been grabbing Oreos or Rice Krispy treats from the vending machine for about 2 weeks now for breakfast. I think that will help too.

I know my journal is a diet journal but I also know, and you guys too, that I’ve always correlated my matters of the heart with my weight. I’ve spoken about my love life many times during the course of my journal before I was even seeing anyone. Now that I am seeing someone I want to write about it. I need to write about it. I loved all the comments I received yesterday. I loved the feeling that I was discussing my love life with girls and some were being sweet and saying chin up he may surprise you and others were more down to earth to think about what really matters is not the flowers but the day to day. Both are great things to say. I haven’t told any of my friends about AMD. It’s related to all those bad relationships because I just get tired of having to tell my friends how screwed up my life is when it goes wrong. They all have it together. They’re all married or seriously committed and I don’t want to tell them about this great guy and have to turn around a week from now and say that it didn’t work out. Not only that but I’m so tired of people telling me not to feel this or not to feel that. I’m allowed to feel what I want to feel. I can either have realistic expectations or not have realistic expectations. But someone trying to jerk me out of the clouds isn’t helping. They don’t know, they aren’t there. Not one person including this blog knows exactly how the relationship is going, how intense it is or how innocent it is. So to tell me I shouldn’t get too excited or read this or read that just irritates the fuck out of me. Either I can do this on my own or I can’t. I want to do it on my own. It helps me have a forum to write that I have to do and it helps me have the comments from people who read and have an opinion or want to congratulate me on my efforts. When I read something like what Bob wrote my first thought is how stupid and silly I am for what I wrote and feel and then my second thought is but it is how I feel and that’s the whole point. Girls are different from boys. Girls do like to analyze the situation and break it down. That’s what we do. It’s what we enjoy.

I suppose I have to go and work or something now.

You Know She’s Got it Bad When She Listens to Van Morrison in the Car

On one of my rewrites from earlier this week I spend complaining about Valentine’s Day and AMD’s plans already made before he met me, well technically while speaking to me on the phone, to go to this wedding with a friend. It’s nothing new that I was way more into him and optimistic about the whole thing, even if I did need a daily dose of “Lose Yourself” to get the courage to talk to him on the phone. But even at the end of the post I wrote that I wasn’t going to complain about Valentine’s Day anymore until it actually was Valentine’s Day and then I took it a step further and just deleted the whiny thing. Why behave like a brat when everything is so great. And it really is great.

I don’t know where to start because I have 2 issues at hand here. First, AMD is sitting at the bar before dinner last night telling me about how they are matching her dress and his tie and how she’s going to buy a dress and I’m just sitting there popping pistachios like Quaaludes feeling this pang in my chest. It’s physically hurting me that she’s going to a store to buy a dress that will match his tie. They’re matching outfits on Valentine’s Day and I’m going to be at home by myself watching chick flicks or something stupid and boring and wrong considering the circumstances. Normally it would be fine and I’ll make the best of it and try to get to Blockbusters early and everything but damn, I’m just really sad when he talks about it. So I told him to not talk about it and he agreed so maybe I can just pretend it’s not happening. That they aren’t matching outfits. Friends or not, THEY’RE MATCHING OUTFITS. I never get to match outfits. Fuck fuck fuck.

Sorry.

Then, then, I’ve been trying to be positive about the whole thing, sigh, thinking oh well we’ll just make Thursday be our Valentine’s Day and that’ll be cool. But no, he has all kinds of friends coming into town ALL of next week and I don’t even know if I’m going to see him.

And do I get to meet any of these people? What the fuck am I to him? I’m so confused.

And then he tells me I should start calling him. And that’s a good thing, right. That’s a great step forward to call him when I feel the urge. Like we’re normal friends and he’s no longer trying to determine if I’m psycho or not. But how does that all fit into not wanting me to meet his friends and all that and do I call when he’s with his friends and matching that girl or what?

All I wanted was some roses. I wanted a delivery truck to be for me this year. Instead of watching truck after truck for every girl in this office (and some guys) except me. Just one year. Roses on my desk. Big smelly red roses on my desk. I am not alone. Someone likes me A LOT. And not just that, but a bunch of pink and red nonsense for a day and eat some chocolate and makeout and be silly and have fun and forget for just a moment why I hate Valentine’s Day. But now it’s just a big mess. And I’m happy as all get out except this little stupid selfish thing and I’m just trying to push it away and look forward to this weekend and after the Valentine’s Day matching outfits thing. I don’t want to be sad. About anything. So I’m not going to be. I just had to get it off my chest.

She gives me love love love, crazy love.

Edit: Ok, don't be surprised if I delete this later or sooner. I don't like this post very much now that I've eaten some lunch and have reread what I wrote. So I'm just going to add my comment that will hopefully soften it a bit.

I've been worried since the on-set of this relationship that I would expect too much too fast because I do get wrapped up in my emotions. I have to constantly tell myself it's only been 3 weeks. After a few months maybe then he'll want to introduce me to his friends. And besides, meeting friends I think is harder than meeting family. That's a lot of pressure that really I don't know if I'm up for yet anyway. And it would be one thing if there were problems between us things that looked like future issues and thus I need to worry but there aren't. We have a lot of fun together and we both feel like we're way more comfortable with each other than we probably should be having known each other for such a short period. I just felt like I needed to vent about it just to release it from my mind so I can drop it. I feel extremely good about him and I can totally wait through next week and Valentine's will be fine no matter what happens. I would start crying at work anyway if he did send roses and that would be embarrassing. It's much more important to me just to be with him on a regular basis. Valentines is one day.

Attention

I believe I mentioned some time back in the 160s or 170s some of the issues I have that accompany why I would allow myself to get fat or rather stay fat. One of those reasons is the attention. I have a problem having strangers, especially really weird strangers, try to talk to me, not a polite conversational whatever but a hey baby you are fine I’m going to rape you in the back alley type thing.

And I’ve had only one little incident that happened at work and I let it slide because though it was inappropriate I don’t think the guy who said it really realized how inappropriate he was being. He just let a little guy talk slip in front of me.

But last night I went to dinner with my mother and some guy, some drunk, dirty guy came up and started talking to me. He wouldn’t leave and I was just stunned. I didn’t say anything. I just looked at him wondering why he had approached me and why he would want me to feel so uncomfortable. Luckily my mother was there and told him we were waiting on some people. After standing there some more, still staring at me, still talking to me saying that he knew me and I knew I didn’t know him, and I hadn’t replied with the first word, getting more and more uncomfortable, even WORRIED, finally he left and went back to the bar. I tried not to look towards the bar lest he think I was looking at him but I could see him in my peripheral vision looking at me from time to time. Creepy.

As soon as he walked off I looked at my mom and said, “see why it’s so easy being fat?” The rest of my time there was ruined until he left.

That kind of stuff scares me. And that was me without my makeup touched up with a tracksuit on. Imagine if I were dolled up with a low cut top. And alone or something. Jesus Christ.

On another completely unrelated note, I think my weigh in is going to suck really bad this week. I’ve reviewed my calories and even with the alcohol, which yes, basically means I’ve been pretty much starving myself, my calories aren’t excessively high. I’m behind a couple days working out but can still pretty much make it up by the end of the week. Maybe it’s just TOM. I think because I saw 138 pounds the day of TOM I got excited and thought I would skip the usual TOM travesty of life. But no, it cannot be. One-freaking-forty-two today.

Oh, yeah, and the other thing I did was work out at 6:30 am this morning. I am going to really try to keep this new schedule. And why? Because I’m done for the day! I don’t have to sweat for the rest of the day. The day is mine! And that makes my day.

Novel Feelings

Ok let’s see how many times I can write, delete, and rewrite a post. This used to be so easy. Now I have to consider another person’s privacy and damn it’s hard. There’s so much I want to say.

Well first of all, for all my new devotees to the Chocolate & Alcohol Diet I renege my touts of it’s great weight loss effects. I’m am plateauing or skipping around the scale actually, even saw 138 for a day, but that’s gone. Ah, yes I know, I deserve it. Must stop drinking alcohol. Must not replace hateful treadmill with joyful ‘this is what life is all about’ makeout sessions. Must buckle down. Must see 130s again.

Certainly I can get further than this.

My mother wants to meet AMD. Oh, the pressure. I just want more time. I’m trying to tell her to wait another month and within a month she’ll meet him. I don’t think that’s being unreasonable. I think we should have a pretty solid base before I introduce him to my mom. Am I wrong here? I think 2 weeks and 6 days is way too early. We’re still in this fragile state, at least I feel like it is, maybe it’s not. How does one behave cautiously and positively at the same time? This is very difficult. I just need another month. I’ll feel more secure about things in another month.

I think that’s all I can really say in this forum. I will say he surprised me last night and it was really nice to be surprised in such a way. I really felt like he wanted to be with me and it meant a lot. I’m not used to being with a guy who actually wants to be with me. I know that sounds strange but I usually end up in a relationship so convoluted that I always feel I’m overstaying my welcome sort of thing or pushing or being clingy. And I know guys need their space and stuff. I was just surprised is all and it was a lovely feeling.

Chocolate and Alcohol

I have a couple questions to respond to before I jump into my post about the weekend, I’m stalling because the weekend is really the kick ass part of the whole thing so you’ll just have to read the answers first or scroll if you’re that impatient.

What’s a Skinny Cow? They are round icecream sandwiches that come in packs of 6 and have 130 calories each and can kick an icecream craving right in the bud. Some grocery stores don’t carry them so you might have to check around or beg the manager to get some.

Why AMD? Yes, like Bob commented, AMD stands for “Amusing Mark Darcy” from the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary. After not dating for almost 3 years I signed onto an internet dating site just to test the waters sort of thing. AMD was so completely charming and “amusing” I was instantly drawn to him. I more chose his name because he seems to really have his shit together and I feel like a complete idiot around him, always saying the wrong things, like Bridget often did around Mark Darcy, though he likes her, just as she is, and I suppose my AMD likes me too, as odd as I can be. It’s probably not the best name for him but you know it’s hard to come up with a name on the fly and it’s too late to change it now. In a way it really does suit him. If you haven’t seen Bridget Jones’s Diary or read the books go now and get it. And, hey check out my archives too for the whole story if you want to know more about him and how we met.

How to get started when you don’t have a clue where to begin?

Most people will tell you to start by exercising and I’ll probably be the one person who says not to begin there. I still stand my ground on the fact that you don’t have to become a health nut freak to lose weight. If you want to be a health nut then go for it. Some of my favorite bloggers are little health nuts and I love them for it. But it’s just not me. Get your eating under control first. Learn to count calories. I’ve been using “Dining Lean” pretty much exclusively now because I eat out so much and love how they show pictures of serving sizes and have pretty much every food item I eat though a general calorie counter may be useful for more basic foods. Keep a notebook that lists all your calories. Have a little scale and weigh and measure your foods until you get used to seeing what serving sizes look like. I was so gung freaking ho when I started that I was eating around 700 calories. I was just so pissed and so ready to take control that I didn’t even care about it. I hated food so much that the less of it I could eat the better. Then I plateaued because my body went into starvation mode and I realized I was going to have to resolve my food issues and become at peace with food. You have to eat, you should enjoy it, it shouldn’t control you, and it doesn’t solve ANY emotional problems. It takes a long time for this to happen and I still struggle every single day with my food issues. I would say to start at 1200 to 1400 calories a day. If you’re higher than 200 pounds be closer to the 1400 calorie range, the less you have to lose the more you’re probably going to need to be around 1200 calories a day. If I eat 1400 calories now I wouldn’t lose very much at all. But all bodies are different so you have to play around and see what works for you. The thing about weight loss is it’s not just something you do passively and expect the results to be handed to you just because. It’s scientific how you have to constantly be reviewing what you’ve been doing and make adjustments accordingly. People often get frustrated with lack of results and decide to cheat because they’re pissed it’s not working. Instead really look at what you did, what you were eating, your exercising, aggravating hormone adjustments, eating too late, etc and adjust some things. Once your food is under control and you’ll be able to tell because you’ll be eating right and your weight will stop dropping again, then add exercise. This is the area where I feel you do start slow. I’m a treadmill girl. If I walked outside or went to a gym I’d have excuses longer than my arm about why I can’t go. If there’s an ugly treadmill destroying the fung shui of my bedroom I’m more likely to use it. I say that and I ignored my treadmill for about 6 months after I bought it so it’s all in your head really. If you want something, you’ll do it. I started walking at about 2.5 mph. It was a rate that increased my heart beat, made me break a sweat, and made it just a bit hard to breath. Then when 2.5 doesn’t make you sweat anymore and it starts to feel like a leisurely stroll increase your speed. Now I’m at 3.7 minimum working towards the 3.9 mph. I haven’t increased my time. A lot of people do and I envy them. I’m afraid if I do that I’ll start hating exercising to the point of stopping all together. I had to compromise with myself and that’s how I did it. I’ll always probably be at 30 minutes a workout 4 to 5 days a week. But I’ll always be increasing my intensity. Heck I might even be running it one day. If you don’t mind it and curse the gods for inventing exercise like I do then by all means go 45 minutes to 1 hour.

I was so frustrated at the ladies on the Dr Phil show who talked about trying to start a program and walking around the block a couple days and getting bad comments from redneck assholes who they shouldn’t listen to anyway and completely dropped doing anything about their weight. I know how many calories it takes to sustain a 199-pound body and grow it. To be that overweight takes a lot of food, it takes binging to be honest and those ladies know it, I don’t care what they say. The very first thing you have to do is assess what is triggering dangerous food consumption. It’s hard to get it under control so you have to just live it until you recognize what you’re doing and how IT’S NOT HELPING. It’s not doing anything productive in the least. If it was a field of wildflowers that would be one thing but it’s a nightmare. Once you realize that then binges are easier to stop. Once I recognized that I haven’t binged since. That was last May. I can only take it a day at a time. In May/June I would often write that I was taking it a minute at the time. I knew at that minute I didn’t have to binge. I could only control that minute. I couldn’t make promises about later. But later came and that minute passed too. Now today, after having a potential binge attack less than a week ago I had to remove myself from the kitchen, though really, there’s nothing to eat in there anyway, but just to get my mind off food and on what was making me want to eat in such a way. If I couldn’t think my way through it, which I could that night, then I would have written about it and that should have helped. I’m at a point now where my emotions will trigger a binge thought but intellectually I know it won’t help to actually have the binge and won’t get past the point of being a thought. A big loud scary thought, with large hot tears, but a thought nonetheless. But really, and I’m rambling now, I apologize, I’m a strong believer in not having your lifestyle support overeating. I don’t have very much food in my house at all and I like it that way. When the refrigerator is full I get nervous. I’ve had to throw out food that I was eating too much of to the point of having to stuff it in the garbage disposal because I probably would have fished it out of the trash otherwise, there’s restaurants I won’t go to, etc. I rarely go to McDonalds because it’s a trigger restaurant. I have to have a really strong day in order to go there even though they have more selections that I can eat than any other fast food restaurant. But I’ve had too many bad days in my past where a Value Meal just seemed the answer and I don’t like risking it. A place like Subway is very easy to go to. If I feel exceptionally weak I’ll just go to Subway. I can get a lot of food for very little calories.

It’s always a struggle and it probably always will. Just this weekend, AMD wanted to get some munchie food and we got some candy and chips and icecream. I was completely PMSed and had this guy asking me what I want to munch on in the grocery store and I got really nervous. I wanted some M&Ms and he was going to buy a big huge bag. I was thinking like a little bag from the checkout aisle. We ended up getting a smaller bag of chocolate covered almonds and I just prepared myself to only eat a couple. Then at the icecream section I had the Dreamery in my hands. My very favorite binge food and it was going to be mine. Then I snapped out of my trance and checked the back to see the calorie count and freaked out and put it back. I skipped on the icecream. AMD didn’t care or give me a hard time about it, I was so glad. He doesn’t care if I’m too full to eat all my dinner or if I skip eating something. It helps a lot.

My weekend: Besides the fact that I refuse to write any negative thoughts and the thoughts I have I tell myself not to have, I’m really really happy. I have such a great time with him. The more I’m with him, the more I want to be with him. I’m still working on my confidence in the relationship, I probably will for a while, but I have hopeful feelings. Everything new I learn, and I learn a lot that I can’t go into here, is exactly how I would want it to be. I can’t think of anything that I would want differently about him. I’m not in the habit of wishing people were different than how they are so all it really means is he’s a great person. It’s still very new and we have a long way to go.

I will say my lips and chin are raw from kissing him. You know those kisses that last for hours and remind you why being 16 years old was so great. Yeah, we had that and he has chin stubble and the battle scars are not pretty. It’s pretty embarrassing really. Thank god for concealer.

So my one bit of news that’s really disappointing was AMD told me that he’s going to be out of town for Valentine’s Day. The good thing, and very good, is that he was actually looking ahead 2 weeks, but yeah, another lonely Valentine’s Day for me this year. I’ve only had 2 real Valentine’s Days my whole life. So it’s a little more important to me than it probably is to the average person. It’s a special day and I admit I was really looking forward to writing this one down in the books as the best Valentine’s Day ever. But at least I know he wanted to spend it with me so that’s nice to know. And the Goldslauger helped.