I’ve Got 10 More Pounds to Go

Don’t fret over the weight. I did pretty much everything I could to get the scale to say 139.5 again today and it just wasn’t in the cards (read: kidneys). TOM will be here today (god no, please) or tomorrow so I’m just retaining some water. And I could have helped by working out yesterday but I didn’t feel like it. So it is what it is. It’ll go back, I’ll see it again. The 130s will be mine! At least it’s still a loss.

I was all set on my goal weight trip to the Caribbean, even finally coming to a definite plan of where to go. But I put my car in the shop earlier this week and was given a loaner (I tried to write “loner”). It’s a Beetle and I gotta say I really dig this car. So I may skip the trip and enjoy the beach I have and buy a car between September and December (depending on how tight a budget I can manage). I think it’ll be better this way. I kept getting frustrated figuring out where to go that doesn’t look like a tornado of Spring Breakers had destroyed the hotel room. I can’t seem to find that for less than $380/night (I know my taste is really disgustingly snobbish) and I have a beach 8 miles from my house. Why would I want to spend that much to go to another beach? Couldn’t quite justify it though I do really like this hotel and think it would ROCK to go. But a new car, that would be cool too.

I also have to stop buying clothes. That will be hard.

I got an email that says my plan looks tough and I’ve been reading a lot of other people’s plan for a long time now and I think mine is really easy. I don’t care what I eat as long as I stay within my caloric range. Heck I’ve had Oreos (I’m out of yogurt still) and Valentine’s chocolate (2 little pieces) today. I eat out every day, sometimes twice a day. I only exercise 30 minutes a day 5 days a week and sometimes it’s really only 4 days a week. I do work hard during the 30 minutes but there are other people who work out 5 – 6 hours a week. I don’t drink water unless I’m exercising, though I’m still working on this one after 8 months. I don’t use diet dressings or fake butter. I use the real stuff just the bare minimum. I use salt if it needs it. If I want a diet coke I drink a diet coke. It’s a zero calorie pleasure. I’m not a heath nut freak. I don’t care about fat grams or carbs or protein. I do recognize when I like something healthy and try to eat it when I can: grilled fish, chicken, romaine lettuce, strawberries and any of the other few veggies that I like, but for the most part I eat what I want, I just eat a lot less than I did before and have cut out completely “binge” foods unless I can purchase in a single serving. Like buying a bag of chips at the store (even Wow chips) I can’t do. I will eat the whole bag or fantasize about it until I finish it or throw it out. But if I’m at Subway I’ll get a bag of chips and be fine. I can’t keep cartons of icecream in my house but for some reason Skinny Cows are fine (probably cause they don’t taste all that great). I don’t order pizza for delivery but I’ll grab a slice at a restaurant once a week or every other week. I don’t order fries (and hopefully never will) but I’ll sneak one from someone’s plate. There’s a certain restaurant in town I love and they have the best fries in the world and I can’t eat there because I know I’ll be really sad that I can’t eat the fries. They use lemon pepper seasoning. So I just don’t go there. I have to write down what I eat because it amazes me how quickly the calories add up. It’s a pain but really it’s not and it helps considerably. I would even venture to say it’s invaluable to a diet plan. I don’t have 3 full meals a day. I eat a very small breakfast, a large lunch (well not “large”) and a small dinner. Sometimes my dinner is very small if I have a big lunch, more like a snack than a dinner. But it works for me. I get all the pleasures one can get from food and I curb all my cravings. I rarely feel like binging. And even when I do I know I’m miles away from doing it. I’m so dead on about what I want and what I know I have to do to get there that I don’t see how I’ll possibly ever binge again. Conscious, yes, but tough, no, not really. Not once you realize the results. And the results, ah, they are immeasurable.

I found a new journal that I really like. Probably cause she likes doughnuts and gave the best description about running in her archives that I’ve ever read. Even makes me attempt an occasional sprint.

Have a great weekend. Wish me luck on my date tonight.

Wow

Oh where to start, where to start

Important things first: I saw the 130s today! Holy cow I was so unbelievably happy. I think my shrills were waking the dogs in the neighborhood. 139.5. Three times in a row on the scale. Oh man, I can’t believe it. My last set of 10s. Isn’t there a word for that? 190s, 180s, 170s, 160s, 150s, 140s, and now the 130s!!!! I can’t believe it, I really can’t.

So with that power of believing in myself I now have to use in my love life. I am worth happiness. I deserve it, I need it, I won’t take it for granted any longer.

AMD was supposed to pick me up at 6:30 pm last night. He was late and I was having flashbacks of my dad forgetting to pick me up on the weekends while I would wait with shoes on, bags by the door, for his horn to honk and me to run out. It’s a long wait for a little kid with their shoes on waiting to be picked up by someone who’ll end up being late or can’t come all together, never apologize, and most likely in a bad mood if he does show. So I had like 10 minutes of that nightmare wondering if I could take off my shoes and get some water when AMD called. My voice was cracking, I sware to god I would have killed myself if I started crying. It was 10 minutes for christ’s sake.

He was tied up at work and couldn’t get to the phone until then. He wasn’t even near leaving and asked if he could call me tomorrow. He kept apologizing and I kept saying, “it’s okay” with a cracked voice that means everything except it’s okay. But I didn’t cry.

Well, until I got off the phone. But it could very well be PMS.

Then I put on my workout clothes and tried to make the best of it. I needed to workout anyway because I hadn’t the night before. Then I took a bath and contemplated getting a doughnut, just one (I have dinner calories in reserve so don’t freak), and watch the Bachelorette. Fawn over Charlie a little. Take the edge off, you know.

AMD calls while I’m in the bath. Water strewn all over the freaking place as I make the mad dart for a towel and into the kitchen to get the phone. He was home and very stressed out, still apologizing. My voice didn’t crack thank god but I still didn’t know what to say. I think it’s too early to tell him how it regressed me to a nine year old waiting for my dad to pick me up and forgetting. And how it was a 10 minute nightmare on top of my already insecure feelings that it was a doomed night anyway. So I didn’t say anything about it.

He asked me to meet him at a restaurant bar. So in the fastest get ready maneuver on the East Coast I was ready, complete with hair washing, straightening, and makeup in ½ hour.

Everything went really well at the bar. Never long enough to be with him but that’s a good thing. There’s some things I probably need to write about but this post is getting long as it is and I need to organize those thoughts. And maybe they don’t belong in this forum anyway.

But I stand by my words. I’m only going to look forward with optimism and hope. I’m strong enough to handle anything. There’s a great potential for happiness here. I feel it in my heart and in my head.

The 130s, holy shit.

You Better Lose Yourself

I just thought I’d mention, I’m up another ½ pound. It’s gotta be PMS. Or my scale could be wonky. The other day I got on it and it said 144.5. I about lost my head but I reset it again and got back on and it went back to 140.5. Then yesterday it went to 141. Now it’s 141.5. Can I blame it on the scale? I’m not thrilled in the least that this is happening I’ve been exercising and within caloric range all week. It’s either PMS or I’m gaining from last weeks alcohol consumption, though it wasn’t 3500 extra in calories (1 pound = 3500 calories). Who the heck knows. I’m just chugging along. I’ll turn this around. Dammit.

I do have a date tonight and only a freak-a-zoid like myself would actually think he asked me out to break up. My mother thinks I’m absolutely insane for thinking this but he’s polite. He’s Amusing Mark Darcy for christ’s sake, of course he’d do it in a restaurant. But I am aware of my own psychosis enough to know if this date IS NOT to break up with me then I’m done, I’m not assuming the worse anymore. I refuse to live this relationship like this. I will be happy. I will lose this black cloud once and for all. I will somehow seep into my scared little head that I don’t have to expect the worse to feel safe. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy every single second of this. Tomorrow is a new day. Whatever happens. Tomorrow will be different.

You Mean This is Still a Diet Journal?

So I had compulsive munchies yesterday. I even succumbed to the weekly McDonald’s breakfast run, after, yes after I already ate my yogurt. He got my order all wrong and forgot the egg on my ham biscuit and brought me back regular coke rather than diet coke and the whole moment was spoiled. The diet coke is imperative to the whole treat and the egg, well that’s the only healthy thing in the whole mix. After eating it, the whole entire 3 minutes or so it takes to eat a biscuit (I didn’t drink the coke) I determined the anticipation of a ham biscuit is way better than the actual biscuit. I will do my best to remember that and save myself the 330 calories.

But it wasn’t over yet. At around four, after lunch, I went and got some Oreos from the snack machine. I wasn’t “cheating” or “binging” (at work, p-lease) I had added all my calories up for the day and knew that if I had to eat the damned Oreos that was it, I was done for the day. If AMD asked me to dinner, and really shouldn’t he ask in advance anyway, I was going to have to turn him down because I’m a big girl and if I want to eat 1250 calories by 4 pm then hey that’s my stupid ass choice.

It was a long night. Mom asked me to dinner and I couldn’t go. I went to work out before the hunger pains set in and AMD called while I was on the treadmill. I was 15 minutes into it and knew if I got off my whole workout was ruined. I also had no proof it was AMD. It could be a telemarketer and then I’d be pissed. Pissed and hungry. So I kept going.

I tried to call him back but there was no answer. I left a message but he didn’t call me back. I myself went to bed half way through Bridezilla but I did work out for the 4th day this week and stayed within my caloric range. So why did I show a half pound gain today? That I’d like to know. I have 3 more days to drop 1.5 pounds in order to be in the 130s this week. That’s messed up.

Why Do I Do This?

Did you guys hear that Gary Oldman is going to play Sirius in the third Harry Potter Movie. Could I be anymore excited about that?

I have written four, count them, four entries since Friday and none of them could manage to say what I intend for them to say so I chucked them all, which is why you’re probably saying, “count what?”.

The simple fact is I’m severely insecure. Not when I’m with him, mind you, no then I can waver between "teenage nervousness" and "content with all in the world." But when I’m alone, my sad little thoughts keep telling me, “He doesn’t like you. He’s not opening up to you enough. He doesn’t trust you. He thinks you have dry skin. He thinks your ankles are monstrously large.” And he could just have left me less than 24 hours ago with a squeeze and a manly pull close, passionate (albeit closed mouth) kiss, place my hands together and kiss them and bid me farewell and I’ll think the next day, “Yeah he’ll be calling later and want to break up.”

Why do I do this to myself?

And I remind myself constantly that we’ve spent a great deal of time together for two people who met a week and a half ago. That he feels so natural to me, like he was always meant to be here, in my house, on my couch. He fits me. And yes, he doesn’t open up to me the way I wish he would. Everything has a air of politeness rather than passion. And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe it’s foolish to reveal your soul to someone you just met and get all body exploration over with in one night. One night he knows my hands. The next night he knows with my hip bones. This is probably how it’s supposed to be whether I want to rip his shirt off in one flailing swoop or not.

I think I just get alone with my thoughts and really just be alone and think how much better it is when he’s here. How alone is not all that great anymore. It’s not even comforting anymore, and it used to be a great comfort. And I get this fear when I am alone that this is where I’ll be returned to and he’ll be gone and it’ll be like a little part of joy in my life is gone. And though I may think that I am worth it, am I really? Why did I have to wait 31 years if I was so worth it?

So somehow I have to grab hold of my insecurities and beat them into submission. I have to retain a sense of optimism that everything I desire in my life could actually happen and this is just the beginning. Somehow I have to lose the fear and it’s hold on me. Somehow I have to believe in myself. Just as I believed in myself that I could lose the weight, that I was not a victim onto myself, but that I could do it, and I did. That I can control my life, my happiness, my health. It’s all up to me. And this, though it feels like it’s not, really is up to me. All I have to do is not be afraid. That’s all.

I've Been Kissed!

Yay me. And somehow by the miracle of God (if there is a god) I lost another pound. I was scared silly to get on the scale today. I had a perfect day going on (diet wise) and then had two drinks with AMD last night. I'm all about the 130s. I must see the 130s!

Kiss Me

Still no kiss. I do think he opened up to me more, trusts me more, or is more comfortable with me. But now I’M feeling more insecure. I don’t want to and I’m working on it but if I had to describe honestly how I feel it would be insecure.

It could go either way. Either he does like me and everything’s going along fine on its slow little course or he doesn’t. He’s misinterpreted me and the type of person I am or sees who I really am and doesn’t like me. Well I think that pretty much covers every possibility in every relationship. I'm a big help.

If he kissed me I would feel better about the situation. It would represent that he found me attractive and he was in fact attracted to me. Because right now I don’t feel like he’s attracted to me. I think he’s extremely polite. He’s dead on with opening doors and letting me walk ahead of him and not letting me walk on the outside of the sidewalk. Conversation I think is very good. Friendly banter with some laughter, sharing, a few stories you don’t tell everyday people.

But when it comes down to attraction, I want to kiss him. And if he felt the same what’s he waiting for? Today is one week since we’ve met. We’ve seen each other on 4 different occasions, two designated by him as “dates”. The other time was the initial meeting (that was not considered a date, according to him) and of course the coffee and drive around with no make up on day. There’s been emails and phone calls too some phone calls lasting over an hour.

This is starting to sound like a broken record. I don’t think I’ll mention anything else about it until something happens either way.

My diet was completely ruined last night. If I didn’t think the alcohol actually helped me loosen up and not broach the kissing subject - think about asking about the kissing, take a sip - then I would have one drink and drink water. But even beyond that it was the dessert that did it. We had dinner at one place and then he says we should get some chocolate. So we go to another restaurant and have dessert. I really didn’t eat very much but ½ brownie/chocolate cake but prettier substance and ½ cup of Kailua icecream plus 2 ½ drinks on top of what would have been a reasonable day (diet wise of course, super great otherwise sans kiss) just put me over. I tried to estimate and I think it was about a 1800-1900 calorie day (oh hell probably more like 2000), and there was no time to workout. I was still buzzing when I got home and I’m already a little unbalanced/uncoordinated on the treadmill. Breaking my neck wouldn’t help my situation either.

So anyway I have 2 more days to really get it right and maybe squeeze a small loss for the week. If I get ½ pound or more I’ll be happy. Or rather, I can’t complain.

Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to talk about. The stupid freaking blue jeans from hell. I wore the size 8 jeans yesterday with a tighter type boatneck shirt with ¾ sleeves. Last week when I wore the jeans I wore a button down shirt (and all my button downs are pretty roomy now). Totally different effect. I can “wear” the jeans but it doesn’t mean I don’t get fat squeezing from the top when I sit down and my top doesn’t ride up revealing said fat in a most embarrassing manner. It just wasn’t a comfortable day in at all. Thank god I wore it to work because I was going to wear it on my date so I put on some roomy black pants and a smallish white sweater. Much better. Very odd because the roomy black pants are size 10 and the jeans from hell are size 8. That’s not much difference for such a wide discrepancy of fit. I’m telling you I can take the black pants off without buttoning them. It's a very strange size I’m at right now.

And for the record I still feel like I have the same body as I did at 199 pounds. Sure I wear smaller clothes and enjoy dressing more but at 199 I would still wear a sleeveless dress. I can totally understand how I gained so much weight with this denial factor. I still have a belly, I still have smooshy arms (no comment necessary regarding weight lifting, I know, I know), still have very round face, big legs, etc. It’s really not a large difference to me if it weren’t for clothing size, say we just all ran around naked, I don’t think I could tell. And if there were no mirrors or cameras I totally wouldn’t be able to tell. How’s that for a warped body image.

Especially those jeans. I don’t think I’ve ever felt fatter in my life than wearing those damned things.

I'll Take What She's Giving Up

This is the third time I’ve tried to write this post. I'm kind of confused and I don’t know exactly how I want to channel it. I feel like I should wait until after tonight (we're having dinner) before really forming any definite feelings. First of all, I know I’m a freak because I’ve listed out what we’ve done since our first meeting and it’s a great week. Plenty of time to spend with someone you don’t know. So why am I all a flutter that the boy hasn’t kissed me? What’s so wrong with waiting? Why is it so difficult for me not to say something, which would be wrong, very wrong? And it’s not just the kissing but the complete lack of physical contact, well except hugging. Hugs goodbye. But nothing else. No touching of the hands, no shoulder touches, no polite gesture of lint removal, nothing. I touched his tummy the other night and I thought he was going to knock a barstool over he jumped so fast. My feeling is you never tell a girl that your midsection has gone soft unless you want her to find out for herself. And he doesn’t even know that I like a bit of soft tummy on a guy. That was a turn-on for me. I couldn’t let that go. And it was like, oh, big mistake. Like Aidan when he gets a bushy tail.

It’s just I like him and I want him to like me too. But I feel walls from him, I really do. And I’m completely ready to sledge hammer the fuck out of my walls, completely unconcerned of the consequences just because I’m sick of having them. But he’s guarded. I’m telling you he is. He reminds me so much of myself. The way I don’t want to be. The way I was three years ago before the spiral. And I don’t really know what I can do to let him know he can trust me. If there’s anyone in the entire world to trust it would be me. And he doesn’t even realize how lucky he is because I know it’s not like that with all girls. Especially a certain type of girl and the little that he has shared seems like that’s the type he’s used to. I think under different circumstances we would have never meet. I think it’s strange that we have meet because I think he needs someone like me. And I really like him. I like how he makes me feel. He makes me feel like I’m not a sad person. And maybe I’m not sad anymore.

But I need to be kissed. Because there’s power/magic in a kiss you can’t find out any other way. But I have no where to go so he can take as long as he wants. I’m perfectly happy where I am. I don’t want to date around. I have absolutely no desire to date around. I still need time. I’m fine with him, there’s something about him that makes me want to be with him. But if it doesn’t work out, it’ll just be me for a while. Until the weight is gone. And not just the pounds.

The weight yesterday was a fluke. I updated my food journal and found out I ate very little on Sunday and Monday for that matter. I don’t expect another 2 pound loss this week. I can’t exactly expect to lose 3 pounds, 2 pounds, and then another 2 pounds. That would just be crazy. Like a “normal” diet or something. I’d be in the 130s however if it DID happen and oh my god I would be in heaven if that happened. So we’ll see. But dating has not affected my diet adversely so far. So far so good.

Poetic Payroll Day

You know that song by Dave Matthews called “Busted Stuff”. It’s got a great happy beat to it and but it's really this sad song. It’s about a guy who really likes this girl but he knows she’s probably going to break his heart but he goes after her anyway because he likes her that much. And it should be a sad song but it’s like a happy sing-a-long type song. That’s pretty much how I feel.

I’ll be with him and I’ll be thinking, this is how it’s supposed to be. This is what life is about. It’s not about being alone and looking forward to the Golden Globes. It’s about wanting to make out like a teenager with a boy you really like. It’s about just being with someone and looking at them and seeing a reflection of yourself. And it feels good. And you just want to shove away those ugly black shadows telling you how sad you’re going to be that however happy you feel, you’re going to face an equal sadness and how that should scare you and you should retreat. But you don’t. Because somewhere deep inside you feel like you’re worth it. You’re worth being happy. You don’t have to avoid sadness anymore. That’s in your past. This is your future. And it’s magical and ordinary at the same time.

Poetic on Payroll Day. That’s different.

AMD called on Friday to make a date for Saturday. Saturday he picked me up and we went out for dinner. I was very attracted to him and feeling more comfortable with him. He did not kiss me good night. He seems to really like to make me wait for things. Sunday morning as I was just going to throw on some clothes and run up to Blockbusters to return my movies without cleaning the gunk from my eyes or even brushing my teeth AMD calls and says he wants to take me for coffee. He wants to know how fast I can get ready. I was thinking I could manage an hour, I’ve been taking 1 ½ hours so to lose a half hour is pretty reasonable. He responds that he’s testing me and he’s already left the house. I ask what the longest amount of time I can have and still pass the test. He says he can’t tell me, that’s part of the test. Hmm. I say one half hour. That’s time to de-gunk and brush my teeth. Half hour it is. Mad race to wash my face, brush my teeth, apply the proper amount of make up to cover stubborn ass mean pimples and apply just a touch of mascara. Very light blush. Curse myself that it’s not summer. I look much better with a summer tan. Throw on the blue velour outfit. Hair in ponytail. I look unmade up but I am in fact made up. I call him back, only 15 minutes spent total, “I’m done, I’m just waiting on you.” Test passed. Ha-ha.

Though I am spending the morning with a guy who’s still trying to decide if he wants to kiss me, and I'm wearing no lipstick, messy hair that’s not properly confining itself to a ponytail since I last had it cut, on the receiving end of a strange, Jenny-from-the-who look when he saw my little blue outfit, it was nice. We got some coffee (well, I got Cocoa, not a big coffee fan) and spent the morning driving around. I was more how I really am, sans eye liner, but calmer, quieter. If there was a time to decide you didn’t like me, it would be then. Still no freaking kiss but at this point it’s got to be a special moment. It can’t be casual. I’m going to need some candlelight or something.

Well, this is a diet journal, and I’ve had strange butterflies for what like a week now and I never get butterflies like this. Maybe my first boyfriend but that was like my first boyfriend. I was sixteen. And he kissed me on the first date. My first french kiss that wasn’t part of a Truth or Dare gross out game. And I don’t remember it like hindering my food consumption. But now, it’s such a weird sensation and I’ve been working so hard to be aware of my sensations and not eat from a feeling. So I’ve been really careful about eating. At the same time, there’s meals to contend with. Dinner on Saturday was appetizer, salad, dinner, alcohol, the whole gamut. I ate very little, a little of everything, but the alcohol which I determined was 1 vodka/cranberry (I didn’t drink the second) and probably 2 glasses of wine. And that’s a lot of calories in beverages. I counted 200 for the vodka/cranberry and 150 for each glass of wine. So there’s 500 calories right off the bat. I was surprised that Oysters Rockefeller was 80 calories for 3. I had never had those before and they are really good. Even better now that I know they have even less calories than a California roll. I ate very little of my salad and very little of my dinner. The good side is I ate half my leftovers for lunch the next day and still have enough for dinner tonight. It was that much food. And he gave me his left over stuffed shrimp, that aren’t as calorically generous but are so good, and it was only 3. So I calculated 1400 for Saturday. I thought I did well yesterday until maybe dinner but I hadn’t eaten much all day and I didn’t drink all my hot chocolate and even still it didn’t seem that much in my book. I should check Starbuck’s site.

Damn, that thing could be up to 300 calories depending on the milk used. I counted 120. I did drink more than half. Hmm.

Anyway the freaking scale went UP. Not much but still. I have to be more careful. I’ve also slacked in the exercise department, down to a paltry every other day. I’m going to try to workout every day for the rest of the week. I still have 10 pounds or so I’d like to see gone, at a minimum I think I should be 135 to contend with bathing suit season, or whatever skimpy clothed future I may have (clears throat).

So my date time remains the same, I can work around it. But when it’s not date time I have to be serious and make up whatever damage I’ve caused.

I really thought I was doing alright and maybe it’s just a fluctuation (I had dinner really late last night) but I just want to be sure I’m moving in the right direction with my body.

He Touched My Pink Velour

I’ll start with the most important part, besides the 3 pound loss this week, yay, AMD emailed me yesterday. He wrote that he had a great time and looked forward to seeing me again and would call last night (which he didn’t) or today (so he’ll know I don’t have a damn thing to do on a Friday night).

Yesterday was not as bad as I was expecting. Lunch Buddy and I had just returned from Taco Bell, who the fuck eats Taco Bell when their tummy’s in a state, and were just walking in when they pulled up. I couldn’t see him but I waved and I’m sure they immediately cracked on my pink velour tracksuit and had a good laugh.

I’m upstairs wishing the Taco Bell bag was paper so I wouldn’t suffocate if I needed to control my breathing. He’s the same guy, impenetrable as a stucco wall. Looks exactly the same after almost 3 years with a shorter hair cut. Still very friendly, very has shit together, very yes you’re a psycho and I’m not an asshole without saying anything but just smiling all I got your number. And I’m all, AMD will write me, he will call, I am not a lonely girl! I wear PINK VELOUR. And he’s all, “I like your tracksuit,” and I’m all, “thanks.”

Then they go to lunch.

Later I’m called into Boss Lady’s office and he’s all again, “I like your outfit, very bright.” And I’m all, “thanks.” And Boss Lady’s all, “she has two, the other one’s blue.” And he’s all, “is that velvet?” And I’m all, “no, it’s just velour.” And he TOUCHES MY ARM AND RUBS MY VELOUR. He’s all, “soft.” And I’m all thinking don’t touch my velour. My velour is not for you to touch. I’m saving my velour for someone else. Instead I say, “yeah I know and comfortable too.”

So now we get to look at each other and work with each other everyday and I’ll think, “I slept with him,” and he’ll think, “I slept with her.” And then I’ll think, “Asshole.” And he’ll think, “Psycho.” And one day at some function I’ll be all, “I’m not a psycho,” and he’ll be, “I’m not an asshole” and maybe we’ll talk and be friends.

Then today on what do I wear on Friday day, I go back into the Size 8 Closet and remove all size 8 items that aren’t of Capri or shorter nature. Say in Just Jack high pitched monkey voice: My blue jeans fit! My blue jeans fit!

-Later in the Day-

I got to talk to him (let’s call him PB Guy), anyway, I tried for a long time to figure out how PB Guy talks to me. I always feel like I was just at the therapist’s office after spending time with him. He asks you questions and then you answer them and he doesn’t rush the answer, there’s no glimmer of judgment from him so you just go to town and spill your guts out to the guy. Then you ask him something and you get a one line answer. It’s really weird. Like he’ll ask, “what do you like about the sky?” and I’ll get totally philosophical and emotional and talk for a good 5-10 minutes and then I’ll look at him and say, “what do you like about the sky?” and he’ll say, “it’s a nice shade of blue.” Yeah, great. I give you my life and you give me a pen.

But at the same time, there’s something very refreshing about talking to someone like that. SG would ask what you like about the sky and you’ll tell him how it’s pretty and immense and before you can say, “immen…” he’ll have interrupted you and told you what he thought about the sky and never let you finish. I suppose once he’s done you could say, “yeah, like I was saying it’s pretty and immense and… oh fuck I lost my train of thought.” It’s not like that with PB Guy. He lets you talk. You don't get to know anything, I don't know shit about what he's thinking, but you can at least talk and he'll listen.

Speaking of not knowing shit, I will somehow wipe my mind clear of all that’s happened in the past two days and deal with AMD in the best level head that I can. I do fear that he’ll take things too slowly and I’ll want to jump into it faster. I will really try to just let it take it’s time because I do want to peruse him but I need affection so badly. Especially now. I just don’t know if he’s up for all that I need. I am so up for being proven wrong.

Damn, I just made PB Guy blush. His face turned beet red. He came to say goodbye shook my hand, again. I said, “that's a nice handshake you got there,” kind of sarcastic like shouldn’t I get a hug or something. And he mumbled something I didn’t hear and looked up and was beet freaking red. That was funny. I wonder what he said.

I’m Still Jennie From the Block

I just had to get that out of the way since I’m wearing a pink velour tracksuit on what will soon be described as Hell Day and I noticed it’s virtually the same color as my Strawberry Yogurt. I match my yogurt and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing.

I figured I should go ahead and post about last night now before Hell Day commences at around lunch time.

I always thought AMD was given an odd name. I mean, he doesn’t look anything like Colin Firth, isn’t British, and doesn’t (I assume) stand around looking all aloof at parties. But he does make me feel a bit like Bridget, clumsy and silly, while he sits back and looks all debonair, and yet I wait for him to say, “I like you just as you are, Diet Chick, just as you are.” Foolish thinking.

I was unbelievably nervous, and kept telling myself, exactly as I tell myself now on certain Hell Day, “you’re going to be okay.”

I left the house too early afraid to be too late and make him wait and possibly leave. I realized I was going to arrive horribly early, about 15 minutes early, so I swung by the bank for some cash and had a mini-hyperventilation episode somewhere around second street where I parked and waited for about 5 minutes. He wasn’t outside when I arrived nor right inside. I decided to wait rather than walk into the bar myself. It wasn’t very long at all that I turned around and he was right there. Tall and attractive. Very attentive eyes.

After a drink, well actually the second one, I relaxed a bit. I felt really good around him though I have no idea how he took me. We stayed there for about 1 ½ hours. He walked me to my car and hugged me. It wasn’t a long, really like you hug but a polite hug. I felt he was really trying to avoid my face so either he was freaked out at the concept of kissing me or I’m reading it totally wrong. That part put me off a bit because he didn’t say anything like I’ll call you later or tomorrow or anything like that. He just left it wide open, light hug, then gone.

My mother is being really great about all this. She keeps telling me that I’m beautiful inside and out and will certainly find the right guy. Her boyfriend asked who ended the night first and I said he did and then asked what he said and I said, "He said, 'Are you ready?'" He said that was a good sign. If he had an excuse that would have been a bad sign. So from a guy’s point of view it might be alright. And it’s not like he should have kissed me. I’m perfectly fine with not being kissed on the first date. It was the combination of that and not saying I’ll call you or something addressing the future. It’s purely instinctual but I was right before so we’ll see if I’m right again. Then my mother told me not to call him, which I wouldn’t BTW and we settled in and watched The Bachelorette. When I left her house she said I should do what I want and if I want to call him go ahead. I thought that was great. I’m not going to call him but it was nice that she had confidence in me to do the right thing. Like I CAN get a boyfriend without needing 5 billion pieces of advice that take the fun and naturalness right out of it. I don’t believe dating should be a robotic experience. It should be silly and awkward and through that nightmare you may actually develop a bond with someone. That’s just how I feel. But what do I know, I haven’t dated in 3 years. Probably for that very reason. It’s too contrived and structural and the results aren’t based on any of that effort but something entirely else. So why not skip that crap and just be yourself and hope someone likes you for that. Otherwise, who cares. There’s loads of stuff to watch on TV, movies to see, pets to play with, houses to decorate. It’s not the end of the world.

I do hope he likes me but if he doesn’t I’m fine with it, really.

Instant Karma

My first date in three years is tonight. A date for a drink. A date with a man I’ve never met. A date with possibilities.

What the fuck do I wear? Do I go conservative J Crew attire that I’m wearing right now, tailored white button down, black bootleg pants, black heeled loafers –or- do I go funky casual and show him I have personality and wear my brand spankin’ new PINK velour track suit? Heck if I know.

No new pimples to report but I think I put in too much anti-frizz serum. Nothing like greasy, frizzy hair to spoil a mood.

I might get kissed tonight! Holy cow.

I don’t know why but when my nerves are shot the only thing I want to eat is a hamburger. Sonic #2 Burger = 429 calories.

Anyone reading this have happy thoughts at 7 pm tonight EST. I could use the good karma. Gotta run and be all nervous with faux greasy hair now.

Odds Are

Sorry about not posting yesterday. I was in a state of limbo for most of the day and didn’t really know what to say. AMD wrote me over the weekend and I wrote him a long email back and we’re supposed to meet on Wednesday if he doesn’t back out again. I don’t want to go into his side of things, it’s not fair without him knowing about it but my curiosity over meeting him is enough for me to give him another chance. I’ve got a 40% feeling he may try to back out again but I’m about 50% sure if he does try to I can talk him about of it. So we’ll see. Very strange week but if it takes the pressure off Thursday I’m all for it.

I have mixed emotions, as expected. I’m just as concerned I won’t like him as I am that he won’t like me. I guess that’s a good way to go into it, on an even keel. I get the feeling he feels the same. So if we do meet I’ll let you know how it goes.

I saw a dramatic loss on the scale. I don’t know if it’ll stick around, I’m telling you it’s dramatic, but it was a nice “wow” moment this morning, that’s for sure. I’ve got my mind set that this is going to take fifty billion months to get this last bit of weigh off. It would be really weird if it came off at a normal pace. We’ll just have to wait for the drama to unfold.

Damn, I wish it were Friday this would make a great weigh-in day. Now I gotta maintain for the rest of hell week.

Weigh Day - The Power of Cheese (I mean) Threes

Well first of all, wow, 2 pounds – what a treat in this god awful week. That's my kind of consolation. And, and, it’s not even over yet. Oh no, these things come in threes, everyone knows that and I’ve just been sitting back waiting for it. What is it? What’s the third thing going to be? Let me have it, I’ve got my chest pumped out, I can handle it, give it to me.

It’s a long story really and I’m not going to get into it here without knowing exactly what’s going on but next week, Thursday to be exact, I’m going to see a guy I used to know and haven’t seen for three years. It didn’t end well, rather embarrassing really. Some girls need alcohol and a cell phone, just give me Dave and a 56K modem. Bad things will certainly ensue.

But it’s been three years. Humiliation ends after three years right. Seven years broken mirror, three years embarrassing email. So this will be interesting. I’m keeping a positive attitude.

But for now, I’m down two pounds and had a very interesting, exciting, emotional morning.

It seems last night I lost a bit of weight and now can’t wear a majority of my clothes. Size 12 no longer fits and I mean hold the waistband out and ask a friend to jump in no longer fits. I have 2 pair of pants that fit, both black BTW. I look like a rag doll. I’m pulling shit over my head and up my legs and sitting there looking at myself like a shrinking rag doll wearing hand-me-down big sister clothes. So at 5 minutes to the time I’m supposed to be at work and I need at least 10 minutes to get to work, more like 15 really, I decide to tear into the size 8 closet. Skip the jeans, grab my favorite pair of capris and a pair of clamdiggers, why I don’t know, I was swimming in a mini skirt because it’s like 60 something degrees here, so why not? They fit! I kid you not. A little tight but I can sit in them and everything. I felt like I just won Miss America wanting to walk a straight line and wave at people. Instead I hurried out to the car, I was late. Later than late. And on the way to work I was thinking how exciting it was to be wearing my favorite pants again, the pants I thought I’d never be able to wear again and I started crying. I just keep remembering gaining and how hopeless I felt and having to give up wearing my favorite clothes and how sad I was and how out of control I was and now here I am wearing them.

I tried to tell Lunch Buddy how happy I was but she kept hitting me in the shoulder, “Size Eight, Size Eight, I hate you.”

But they’re still a little tight. They used to be loose on me. I’m totally not done. But damn, I can’t believe it. I really can’t believe it.

Anybody can do this. Please if you’re reading my blog and hating me, because I probably would if it were me last year at this time, please just really take some time to think about this because you can totally do this. Take little steps, ignore the big picture. Think about one pound. Then think about another pound. A long time later all those pounds are going to add up to something substantial. You can totally do it. If you think this was remotely easy or me (was? Sister you aren’t done) it wasn’t/isn’t. It’s extremely hard. Pizza Hut came out with a ultimate meat lover’s pizza. I was trying to walk on my treadmill and had to see that shit. It’s not easy, it’s hard. But you take it one hour, one day, one week at the time. Make the decisions you know you are supposed to make. Don’t give into your past. Don’t give into what draws you to make yourself unhealthy. You can do it, you will do it.

Diet Chick On “The Bachelorette”

Me as Trista: (cue Charlie stepping out of limo) Yeah, ok I think we’re done here. (Hands Charlie tray of rose boutonnieres) Charlie, will you accept this tray of rose boutonnieres?

Charlie: Why yes Dietchick-In-Trista-Disguise I will. Let’s go get hitched.

ULR, That’s Me

There were pictures take of me on Christmas day that were just forwarded to me, I think I mentioned them briefly around Christmastime when I first saw them. I gotta say I’m not too happy with them at all. It’s not that I look FAT per say but I guess it’s my face. It looks puffy or something. Tired. My arms look all right but I was really broken out and I was out of powder and eck, I’m really disappointed. I thought I was prettier than that. Can you have a bad picture day? I was just told like a week ago, again, that I look like Leanne Rimes. Do people think, “she looks like Leanne Rimes but uglier.” I’m Ugly Leanne Rimes. ULR, that’s me. It better be the 17 pounds. I’m unphotogenic, what a travesty.

Feeling So Much Better All the Time … (You Know the Rest)

I am feeling much better, almost 100% except with shorter hair. In fact I would say almost completely back to normal except 1) a coworker came into my office today giddy and excited about a blind date on Friday 2) I actually wished I’d find an email from him when I checked my email even though I can’t imagine for the life of me what he could say that would make me feel ok or interested in meeting him again. I actually went through a moment yesterday where I listed in my head all the things I didn’t like about him: being allergic to cats, where he’s buying a house (I like old houses near the middle of town, he’s looking at patio homes on the fringes of society).

Ok, I’m done talking about him.

At least my appetite is back. I’m so ready to eat lunch. I really wonder what’s making my weight like hang for dear life. I’ve been really good. Very odd. I keep waiting for some substantial change. I feel like I’ve been flirting with 147 to 146 forever. I want to see 145 or even 144, yeah, that would be cool. I’ll have to see what happens on Friday and see if I need to make changes to bump this plateau.

Duh, ok I remember what I wanted to write about. I know a lot of people don’t like Dr Phil but he said some great things on his New Year’s Resolution show about losing weight that was new news and helps quite a bit I think so I’ll share. If you don’t like Dr Phil pretend I just made it up.

When you are dieting you should set your goals by something you can control. I can’t control whether I lose 2 pounds this week but I can control a) how many calories I eat and b) how often I work out. So I should set my goals as not to lose 2 pounds this week but to eat 1200 calories every day and workout 5-6 days a week. This sounds great to me because you get frustrated when you don’t meet the goal of 2 pounds a week even though you’re doing everything you should be to do just that. It’s uncontrollable how fast we can lose weight. We can only control what we do to set our bodies up to lose the weight. I also totally agree with setting up your environment to succeed. I really thought I was weak to not be able to keep a bunch of food in the house but actually I’m helping myself and I know what I need to do to be successful. If there’s hardly anything to eat in the house it makes it very difficult to binge. That clarified a lot to me.

Après Dejeuner

I’m feeling even better now. I think I’m improving by the hour. I’m going to give myself at least another month focusing on my diet and then rejoin the internet dating service. I just feel like I need to do so much it’s overwhelming to start off by being knocked off your heels. But I’ll be fine. One or two more months focusing all energy on the last bit of weight and then back to the ole dating board.

Thanks for everyone’s support who wrote an email or left a comment.

Good Enough

I didn’t think I would post today. Just take some time to think things over. Lose some of the melodrama. But I do my best thinking when I just write (or lay in the tub). So here I am.

I’m not well. Worked kicked my ass right off today. Our credit cards were accidentally turned off and it was a nightmare to figure out how to sort it out. I was too busy to think and that was great. But I just feel ill. Just nauseous. And it just sticks there in my stomach and sometimes feels like someone’s pulling down on my stomach, jerking at it.

You know he alluded right from the get go that he had no baggage and he’s still at the fucking customs counter. If men would stop trying to wreck me maybe I wouldn’t be jaded. I don’t want to be jaded.

I’m chopping off all my hair today a la Felicity only I want it shoulder length but the way things are going ...

I’m just pissed that I have to be hurt. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to wait a few days or week or whatever. I don’t even want to feel this today, right now. I just don’t want to feel it. I put my expectations too high but if I hadn’t it would have been so insincere because I wouldn’t have cared and I did care. It could have really been great. Could you imagine? After almost 3 years, losing this weight, getting myself healthy in mind, body, and spirit and the meeting a guy and right off it worked out great. I could be so excited today waiting for tonight but I just sit here hurt wanting to chop off all my hair though I keep tugging for my ponytail wondering if I’ll miss it.

But I have to do it. I have to be different than I was and that’s the easiest thing to do. I’m going to lose this fucking weight. Weight on my body, weight on my heart, weight on my happiness.

Why does this make me want to cry? Why can’t it just be no big deal? I swear I feel almost identical to when Big Ex left like a gazillon years ago. We had a five year relationship, lived together for two of those year, we knew each other like the lines on a face. I guess it was that same feeling of having to return to the way you were before. That you had a chance to escape and be free and feel free but you get sent back. Punishment for not being what you should have been. For not being witty enough, or outgoing enough, or intelligent or whatever. You’re just you and it’s not enough. You just wonder why you aren’t enough.

Oh yeah, and I found out today Storyteller Guy is engaged. Why do I have to hear that today of all days.

Figment of Hope

Sunday when I was returning an email to AMD I wrote that I felt like he was a figment of my imagination because it seemed as though we would never meet. I had just finished working out and shut off the computer and got into the shower. AMD called while I was in the shower and left on the recorder, “this is the figment of your imagination calling.” I laughed when I heard the message. It was when I called him back that he told me we’d met on Tuesday. He was going to call me Monday night with a plan because he didn’t know where to meet or how.

When AMD called on Monday I was just finishing looking over my food diary for the day. I was doodling on the food diary as we talked. Usually when I doodle it’s like a flower or some hearts, maybe a house. I wasn’t even looking at what I was drawing because my mind was on the conversation. There was something about the conversation. And when I looked down I had drawn a flower and drawn a frame around the flower. Then I made all these lines, lots of lines crossing into one another at perpendicular angles. It was a primal type drawing, sort of desperate. And it was because in the conversation, whether I knew it or not, I was fighting for my life. Or fighting to be in his life. There were lots of silent pauses and I had to fill each one. I had to continue the conversation and move it forward. Aidan, who usually chooses a phone call from AMD to want to play fetch or do something to distract me, had come into my lap and lay down. I had put the diary down and he was falling asleep in my lap. He was no longer vying for my affection. He was comforting me. Finally AMD got to the point.

It seems AMD was engaged and the engagement was broken off in September. He thought he was ready to return to the dating world but by chance ran into his ex-fiancé about a week ago, around New Year’s though he didn’t say the exact date. They have decided to start talking again. He didn’t think it would be fair to me to pursue me when they have a chance to get back together. He was very nice about it.

And I don’t know him. I never meet him. But he was the personification of Hope to me. He was Hope through his words and his voice and now Hope has left. Again. I was sad. I did cry. It’s hard to tell Hope goodbye. You like having him around whether you know what it’s like to look into his eyes or not. I made myself, forced myself into my workout clothes and onto the treadmill. I was crying harder and harder as I set everything up to workout. At first I cried while I walked. I cried deep and hard. Then I made myself run. I ran until my chest hurt. And then my tears were gone.

I don’t think I was quite ready either. I don’t feel 100 percent. I want to feel 100 percent and then meet someone. Although I’ve been doing exceedingly well with calories this week, the weight is lagging. I don’t know why. So now I can focus on what is happening. These last 17 pounds are going to be the toughest ones and I should put all my energy there.

Then maybe I won’t be scared to try again. Because right now, whether I have the right to or not, I feel let down. I just do. I may have more to say on this later but really, I kind of hope I don’t have to talk about it anymore. I’m so glad I didn’t tell my mother. One more piece of humiliation in my life. I just think I pushed him. If I hadn’t made him make a plan maybe he’d still call or write. I always push too much. I really should have let him take however long he needed. Maybe he was kind of upset that I called him a figment of my imagination and felt like he HAD to meet me.

The first thing I said when we hung up was, “I knew it.” I knew there was another girl I just didn’t understand the capacity. If he was all into me he would have been dying to meet me right when he got back. He wouldn’t be able to wait. He would have to do it. He wouldn’t have made other plans on New Years. Because he had all his friends in his life before. If you’re trying to add someone new to your life you wouldn’t be filling them in on your Daytimer for a future time period (or PDA if you’re that type). You’d be excited about pursuing something new. You’d totally have to do it right away. And he didn’t. He had other things on his mind.

I totally felt it. I totally knew. The minute he returned and didn’t want to see me right away and kept putting it off, conversation after conversation. He was totally stalling. I was feeling like we’d reach that point where if you become friends for too long you’d miss out on a romantic relationship. Subconsciously I knew something was off.

And a coworker today who’s going through a potential breakup was talking about this girl he dated years ago. We were discussing that after 6 months of dating someone you know if you love that person or not. He said that the girl he dated years ago they met and ten seconds from their first conversation he felt this electricity. He turned to her and said did you feel that and she said she did. She later told him she told a girlfriend that night that he was the boy she would marry. He almost started crying as he told us this and showed us the goosebumps on his arms. I totally understood. I’ve always dreamed of a magical moment like that.

I’m not very good at taking it slow. I usually fall hard and fast, not wanting to deny any passion in a relationship. If you’re too overly cautious then you may miss on that spontaneous passion and that’s great stuff when it’s real. I probably don’t come across as spontaneous or passionate but when it comes to love I’m much different than how I handle other areas of my life. Everything else is so calculated, so well planned, and manicured. But love is like a tornado. You lose yourself in it. I guess that’s why it’s so scary and hard. And why it hurts. Because now I return to being calculated and careful, prudent and proper. It would have been fun to just be so far out of my box. It would have been magical. I really think it would have. I was looking forward to meeting him way too much. It was too large. Too larger than life to happen. It was a dream. A figment. In my imagination. And maybe that’s where it belongs.

Playa in the House

Hmm. Where to start, where to start. Should I begin with how I was the big playa on Friday night when AMD called at 8 and I was all hell no I refuse to answer the phone on a Friday night. And then I called him on Saturday and left a message and he made me wait until Sunday morning to email me. I totally knew I was so busted and had to pay the price. Ok fine won’t take my call on Friday, nothing for you all weekend.

Whateva. I’m a playa.

Or do I start with this: We're going on a date TUESDAY NIGHT!

I'm actually going to meet AMD. I haven’t been on a date in almost 3 years come March. I’m doing alright but like every 20 minutes I get this surge in my chest (comparable to butterflies in the tummy, only mine are higher). It’s a little disheartening but should help prolong my laptop’s battery.

I don’t know, I’m trying not to get all excited about it and be all low key and cool because he confuses the crap out of me and I just have to drop pretenses and just be myself, the real me. We get along really well and then he’ll say something that’s like WOW like he’s allergic to cats (why would he answer my ad when it says I have cats if he’s allergic? He says it depends on the cat. What does that mean?) and he doesn’t go to the movies. I love cats and I love going to the movies. So it’s just weird. I have to see how we are in person before I make any definitive decisions. But he’s fun to talk to and I look forward to having conversations with him. Not to talk to anyone but to talk to him. I guess I’ll have more information on Wednesday.

The other thing is I’ve rocked on my calories. I mean dead on, really even a little under in the 1100s and fuck if the scale isn’t messing with my mind. It was doing some freaky things last week, I actually saw 155.5 for one day until it went back to 147 the next day. Anyway I’m not happy about it, I think I should have some results. Maybe I ate something and forgot to add it to my journal. I don’t think I did because there wasn’t anything to eat until I went to the grocery store last night. Who knows what it is, it’s not weigh day so I can’t really linger on it.

Besides I’m just happy to get that Air Force One song out of my head finally. That was rough going into the 8th hour of that song. Ugh.

Weigh Day, My Way

I’m not feeling too well to day and have no idea how I’m going to make it through a day at work. TOM had a visit yesterday and I just feel exhausted. The stock for Aleve has gone up thanks to me resulting in quite a tummy ache. And still the cramps remain.

I went online last night to spend money I don’t have and AMD had written me an email. It seemed good spirited. I think I’m just freaking out. I must admit that this is quite common for me and a HUGE reason why I lose men. I’m determined not to make a big deal about something until it is a big deal. He’s my test run at this. Practice Guy. So if he wants to wait another 50 days or so to meet me, hey fine with me. I cancelled my subscription with the internet dating site. It’s too much for me right now. I really want to focus on the last 16.5 pounds and some other things going on right now at work. Once these goals are complete then I’ll try again to be a dating machine. With AMD I’m really just going to chill out. If he decides to be the aggressor fine but I refuse to take that role at the present. It’s nice to get the occasional phone call or email. I can’t deny that. And I do like him. I’d like to meet him. But my energy is needed in other areas. The only goal that I have with AMD right now until something advances is to not freak out like I’ve been doing. It’s not as monumental as I keep trying to make it out to be. If we’re friends great, if we have chemistry great, if we date great. Let’s take it as it comes. The only other thing I want to do is try to remind myself to be myself and not some version of what I think he may want me to be. I believe that’s called an authentic self and that’s my goal. I’m just going to be me, that’s quirky and weird and stays home a lot, and if he likes it great if not someone else will. At least I’ll be true to me whether I end up alone or not. The focus now is goal weight and self love. That’s all that matters. Being a neurotic nuthead isn’t helping the cause if you know what I mean.

My weight has maintained for the week due to alcohol consumption and/or TOM and it’s ok. Next week will be better now that I’m committed to being more focused.

I don’t want to date very much right now because it entails a lot of eating out. Guys don’t like girls that eat salads and whatnot and I can’t be stuffing my face with a steak a couple times a week to impress a guy I don’t even know if I like. In maintenance this will be easier to deal with. And then again maybe I won’t be a dating machine. I never have been in my life and it’s certainly not in my personality. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Honestly I think if I’m going to end up with a guy he’s going to need to know I can’t eat a steak. I have to eat light or I’ll gain weight back. If he’s all freaked out that I eat light then he’s not the guy for me. I do eat my leftovers. Maybe that will help?

Guy readers, any insight on this? What do I know, I watch way too many “A Dating Story” on TLC.

I'm a Sore Loser

I am so sore. I think it’s from bowling. But bowling’s not like a real sport. But I’m telling you I am sore sore sore. I thought maybe I slept wrong but my legs are sore like a workout not sleeping wrong. And it’s day two. You don’t have 2 days of soreness from sleeping wrong. That’s a couple hours of soreness. And it’s my left arm that’s sore. Not my right. That’s from bowling. That’s the only action my left arm has seen, trust me.

So that means I’m really really out of shape. I power walk 5 to 6 days a week at 3.7 mph but it’s bowling 3 rounds on 5 vodka/cranberries that kicked my ass. That’s pretty frightening. I thought I was in better shape than that.

I also walked the stairs quite a bit yesterday with some trash and multiple loads of laundry. Doing that on a hangover probably didn’t help matters.

But I’m really sore. And I gotta workout tonight.

And just so you know, weigh in day tomorrow will suck though my food intake is much better. It’s a combination of Christmas food sneaking on from last week, when I should not have showed a loss, and the delayed reaction of 5 alcoholic beverages. Another reason I should have stayed home.

I should have stayed home and not answered the phone. I’d be about $50 richer, not over in calories, not sore sore sore, and not have been a complete loser-girl on the phone to AMD. He would have pictured me at some swanky party perhaps with another dude from the dating site and would have called yesterday all interested in seeing me. But now… I get to wear a Gigantic “L” on my forehead and hope for the best. He did quit the site, I wanted to see the last time he logged in and his profile is gone. Hmm.

I’m a loser. Loser, loser, loser.

And I don’t mean on that scale.

Ask for a Penny Get a Nickel's Worth

Ok here’s what I think. I don’t think he’s all that interested in meeting me. If you were interesting in meeting me and knew you had this trip and I can understand waiting until after the trip but why come home and still push the meeting? Even if he did have plans for New Year’s thinking a.k.a. ASS-uming I had made plans already why not meet the next day? Why make me wait for another call to make plans then, I guess that’s the plan. Here's what I think. I think he came home for someone else. I think he took her to the party and perhaps hung out with her today. Maybe he’s stringing me as second place if it doesn’t work out with her. That’s what I think. It just doesn’t make sense any other way. Why go through the trouble and have the calls and pay the stupid ridiculous fee to belong to the dating service for it to be a whatever, whenever sort of thing. Is it really cool for me to sit here and be strung along meanwhile ignoring all other interests, not that there’s some prospect that interests me, even SLC guy doesn’t really interest me, and I don’t know why. Also AMD reminds me of Storyteller Guy and these little oh so what are your plans tonight oh nothing well I’m doing such and such gotta run are right up his alley.

I beginning to think I should cancel the dating service get refocused on the last bit of weight and when it’s done and I’m comfortable with maintenance then try to go back into DATING HELL where you have nothing better to do than wait for a call from some guy you'll never meet. It’s becoming increasingly hard to do both. I would even venture to say the infamous Moon Pie day was related to this nightmare.

I am giving him one last call. If the next call he doesn’t ask to meet me within a reasonable time frame and I’m happy with a casual run-in. I don’t need some swanky date. I don’t even know if there’s chemistry. I don’t know anything.

All I know is I’m frustrated. And this isn’t what I signed on for. It’s supposed to be fun, exciting, romantic, and special. I’m supposed to feel wanted. I feel strung and on a very flimsy piece of string.

I also accidentally bleached my favorite sweater today. Happy Fucking New Year.

PS – sorry about the language lately I’m just very frustrated lately.

Home For New Year's Eve, So Fucking What?

Ok, total weight loss for the month of December was 4.5 pounds. Today is actually my goal weight day. So I’m officially as of today 17 pounds from goal. But I’m still going. I’m still here. Chugging away as if I had nothing else to do. I even considered like taking the day off and ordering a pizza and maybe getting some icecream. The first thought I had was after all this you’re still trying to binge? You silly silly girl. The second thought right after was I eat pizza whenever I want, I get a slice of pizza all the time. What the heck do I need pizza for? I’m not deprived of pizza. Geez. So I had a Caesar salad and some left over mashed potatoes and I’m fuller than full. Would have had TONS of pizza left over and would have been pissed to start the New Year with 3/4 of pizza in a box in the fridge. Eh. So maybe I won’t exercise.

**Beep. We interrupt this blog entry with a phone call from AMD**

AMD guy called, and just so you know I’m typing this drunk at 12:37 am in the year 2003, like WOW. Anyway he called and I didn’t answer because I was screening calls to avoid Boss Lady who had invited me out with her entourage to go out to eat and to bowling. I leaped across the room, almost ghettoizing my Mac worse than it already is with its broken back lip thingy that I broke the first day I got it. He’s home! I told him I was screening calls and told him the story about not wanting to go out bowling and he’s all like you’re staying home and I’m all yeah it’s better than bowling and he’s all well I’m going to a party tonight with my friends and I’m all silent thinking yeah invite me already are we ever going to met made up guy in my head and he’s all see you later and I’m all fuck I must go bowling now so I did and drank 5 Vodka and cranberry but cranberry juice is good for you so it’s all good and I got no kiss but my first hug was with the girl I chewed out a couple months ago and made her cry, oh come on, you remember her. Yeah she’s the first person I hugged this year just so you know this is my fucking year and everything I want will happen this year in 2003 a year I never expecting would amount to anything, well now it’s like The Fucking Year for me so yeah. I should be sleeping now. No message from AMD guy who’s supposedly a lonely type guy who went to friend’s house and isn’t even drinking and is actually going to Work tomorrow, yeah that’s my fantasy dude, the pretend guy, he works on New Year’s Day. But my dad and clan did leave a message which was unexpected and hey at least I went out, I didn’t stay home though it would have been fine and I would be like $50 richer rich now and not have to call my dad tomorrow at $.25/minute and my car would not be at some mexican restaurant probably being towed or vandalized. AMD thinks I’m a loser who stays home for New Years and had no intention of wanting to meet me and although he came home early like I was so wanting, it wasn’t to meet me, it was to go to work and like hang with friends and it just seems he wouldn’t be calling me like this, like some sort of strange apparition if he is so cute and successful and stuff with friends and whatnot only he must never invite anyone anywhere that’s the only thing I can come up with. But yeah, I’m supposed to not have any negative thoughts so I won’t only it’s just bizarre how I wanted him to come home early and call me and he did and then he didn’t ask to see me, it’s like getting half a wish and that’s just not the same.

But it’s 2003 and it’s my fucking year. I’m going to lose 17 fucking pounds and fall in love. But don’t tell AMD. It’ll totally scare him away. And that wouldn’t be good. I don’t want to wait another year. This is my fucking year. I hope it is yours too.

Night.