Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off to Work We Go!

Work is busy. I didn’t get a spare moment to post and don’t know when it’ll be that I can go back to my surfin’ days. It’ll be frantic for a while. I can say no more.

And I had this idea for a post because, really, honestly, I haven’t been having so great of a time. It was to remind me why I’m doing this, that it’s simply a choice and the simplest of choices, and though it sucks royally that this is difficult, it is a reality. This is totally up to me and what I want. What do I want? What do I really want? Is it these sad little food choices that add up to a bad day? I’m supposed to be helping and providing insight on how to lose weight and last week’s post WAS NOT IT. Not in the least. I want to continue on. I want to lose the last 16.5 pounds (or whatever it is). It’s great that I’m a size medium and wear size 10 but there are more results to be had. There’s still an entire wardrobe that I can’t wear and was the whole purpose to begin with. Well, that and stopping the train wreck my life of eating out of control was leading me. I am in control here. Maybe I don’t like knowing that but it’s true. I’m in control of my destiny and I want to forge ahead. I can do this. I will do this.

And then work got really out of control stressful, the good thing being I made probably the best lunch choice out there, Subway, and didn’t even have time to raid the snack machine for some Oreos. I was more than pleased to leave work with less than 1/2 my daily allotment used up. I went straight to Harris Teeter for 2 packs of California Rolls. It was going to be a great night.

And then I went over to help my mother move a dresser, the California Rolls waiting patiently in the fridge, and let me tell you, I do not have the strength of the 20something year old I used to be. I could have moved that dresser by myself in my day, but not anymore. It was a struggle. And then she invited to take me out to dinner, for the second night in a row. Which was okay because we went to Fridays and I did all right. I still need to exercise and it’s 8:22. I will exercise right when I get this posted.

But last night sucked. She asked me out to dinner and I had no business going. I had maxed out my calories yet again before 3 pm and was hungry and decided to go. Then the grilled salmon messed with my head and next thing you know I’ve ordered an entire dinner and though I only ate half it still brought my calories to about 1700 for the day and still I was hungry when it was time for bed. Unbelievable.

I didn’t see the result today on the scale, it was rather generous actually, but tomorrow, being a big weigh in day, the end of the month and all, will certainly teach me a vital lesson. Maybe I miscalculated yesterday’s dinner. I really didn’t eat that much, I don’t see how it totaled 500 calories. It doesn’t seem possible. I should know tomorrow one way or the other.

And finally there’s AMD. I often think of him and have even had dreams and he’s starting to just feel like that, a dream or vision. Like he’s not real. Like if he didn’t call again I would think it never happened and I made it all up. It makes me doubt myself all this waiting like I’m not important enough to remember. That I’m boring or uninteresting. Pictures were taken on Christmas day and I didn’t look very good. I’m not happy about that. The more self-doubt I have the more it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I believe I’m not interesting then certainly I’ll come off that way. I’m so freaked out about it all. I don’t want to want to be responsible for entertaining someone.

That’s pretty fucking rich coming from someone with a public blog and daily readers. I gotta work out now, no time for this woe is me nonsense.

On the treadmill I go.

Yes, ok I’m going right now.

No really, I am.

I am.

Friday Weigh Day

Down another pound. Not too shabby considering my week and 2 days off the diet, though I didn’t go nuts or anything.

Oh What Boredom Will Do

Well, AMD called yesterday after all. I didn’t get the call because I was too busy CHEATING. My calories were gone for the day at around 1 pm and my mom called at around 6 wanting to take my brother and me out to dinner. I only had a grilled chicken sandwich but it still pushed me up to the 1500s. No lecture necessary.

I had this idea to buy the Pasta Bake jar and make a batch and have it to eat all week. I did the math and each serving is the same as one Stouffer’s Lasagna. The problem, and I see it now as a trend, is I can’t eat just one serving. I’ll go back and pick under the aluminum all freaking day. Ugh. So the fact that I’m very weak I have to find a way to work around this problem. I tossed the fucking Pasta Bake, despite the starving kids in Mongolia, and I’m just going to have to be very strict about what I bring into the house. I can have 4 single serving boxes of Stouffer’s Lasagna and not be compelled to cook box after box but if I make a 8 serving size pasta bake I will keep going back to the fridge. I suck. Why am I not adult enough to not sit on the couch scheming and rubbing my maniacal hands together regarding the cheesy pasta in the fridge. It beckons me. I’m powerless against it. So, I’m going to be diligent about the tasty items I bring home, meaning there won’t be any, and at a future date I’ll try again.

Anyway AMD called again later that night. He said he’d call me on the way home from his trip. So I get two calls. Yay me.

Thoughts and impressions on AMD are, well, I don’t feel like he’s processing things that I tell him. I’ve talked a lot about my stepdad and when I mentioned my mom’s boyfriend coming for Christmas he didn’t remark or anything like, “oh, so they’re divorced?” He’s never asked the first question about my childhood. Instead he’ll ask how my current relationship with my dad is. And that’s a complicated three hour answer and he wants the quick one liner answer or even the one minute answer but that’s an all nighter. I’m playing the polite, how many questions are too many personal questions too, but I wish he seemed more interested in getting to know me. I don’t know. I have some strange lingering Storyteller Guy vibes, their accents are virtually the same and it’s distracting considering I’ve never met the guy.

I can’t figure him out. I can’t even tell if he had a happy childhood or if he’s a panged soul like myself. It’s hard to tell because you have to sell yourself at the beginning of a relationship and it’s not time to delve into how your dad has never told you you’re beautiful and doesn’t know the first thing about you really because he doesn’t ask you questions either.

I didn’t have to work today after all and am actually having a whole entire week off. Very cool. Though dangerous to the diet. Boredom that is.

Must go shopping now. If I ain't eatin' I be shoppin'. Trade one vice for another.

So Much to Say

I’ve had a tough time emotionally the past two days. On Saturday I was really feeling a bit down about AMD. I was always told growing up that if a guy liked you he pursues you. The more he likes you the more vehemently he pursues you. The fact that AMD hasn’t call yet isn’t looking too good in my favor. I’m trying to stay positive about it and not be down on myself about it. I want to take a new outlook on relationships and not always be so negative, that something’s wrong with him or something’s wrong with me. I want to assume everything is right with everyone and the only reason it wouldn’t work is we aren’t right for each other. Easy to say, hard to stick by. I think he should call. Even though if it were me, I’d call sometime between Christmas and New Years.

And SLC Guy, I couldn’t drop him completely. I told him I was stressed over the holidays and couldn’t focus on dating right now and I’d write him after the holidays. He was really nice and understanding about it. I think he’s a really nice guy. Probably the guy I should be pursuing rather than AMD. Or both at the same time like a normal person. I don’t know. I may write SLC Guy sometime soon.

Anyway, Saturday was not an easy day and I had bought a box of mini Moon Pies on Friday. At 152 calories each I thought it was a good buy. I had eaten 3 by mid afternoon and knew I was in a dangerous place so I had to rip open nine Moon Pies, break them in half, and stuff them down the disposal. I know there are starving kids in Africa but I was on the verge of a dangerous binge and had to dispose of my weapon of choice.

Then Sunday I went to R@leigh to hang out with my best friend and go shopping. We’re at the stoplight at the mall and out of the blue she mentions how she sees Big Ex all the time at the North Raleigh Mall. This is my Big Ex, who basically destroyed me at the proper marriage age of 23 after we dated for 5 years, two of those cohabitating, and he was married 9 months later, while I was repairing my heart at home - how’s that for the short version). I asked her what he looked like and she said the same and his wife was mousey (something friends HAVE to tell each other).

Over Thanksgiving I had wanted to try to explain to my brother why I don’t like to go to R@leigh. I think he takes it personally that I don’t like to be there and it hurts his feelings. So I just told him that I don’t like to be in R@leigh because I’m afraid of running into the Big Ex. That I envision it like the scene in Legends of the Fall where Julia runs into Brad and his family and the son’s on his shoulders and she’s trying to hold it together but it’s killing her.

When my best friend told me about seeing my Big Ex at the mall I asked her if he had any kids. She said yes and without even knowing what I had said to my brother over Thanksgiving said my Big Ex always carries one of his kids on his shoulders.

Heart pang. Ow, my heart.

And driving home I just wanted to stop and get something to eat. I was sad about it and wanted to eat something because I was sad. I didn’t. And I didn’t cry or anything. What can I do? He has his life. I have mine. He’s happy and I should be glad. So I am.

I’m not even really still thinking about it today I just wanted to write about it because it was pretty much the only thing on my mind yesterday besides my Unnatural Infatuation with all things Pottery Barn.

I did see Two Weeks Notice and it was good. There’s a scene on a boat that had me laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face. I think it reminded me of myself and went from there. So my faith in Romantic Comedies has been restored. Everyone can sigh a breath of relief. I’ll give you a moment.

Can you believe that I have today off but have to work on Christmas Eve? How is that right? I think it’s really wrong. Not that I have anything better to do. I’m currently watching the Best Hotels marathon on the Travel channel. I’m switching between that and TLC. I wonder if she’s ever been in a hotel that she didn’t like and wanted to say, “Oh yes, here are more of those cheap ass fake brass accent lamps and a god awful floral printed sofa. They call this a suite? Ick.”

Oh my best friend liked my baby blue velour tracksuit. I thought she would make fun of me. We were even going to try to find her one at the Gap but they were sold out. I think she’s going to get one from Eddie Bauer. She kept asking me about my weightloss. I really don’t have any secrets to share. Eat less, exercise more. No fun in that. She doesn’t think she can eat 1200 calories a day. It’s funny because she’s done it before. She lost a lot of weight before she got married (while I was gaining in a maddening furry) and I was asking her how she was doing it.

I told her the problem was maintenance. It’s really for life. You can’t go back to the way you were before. In some ways it’s good to stop the binges but in other ways it's really difficult because you can’t necessarily order fries or eat cookies at the mall or whatever. I mean you can but you have to adjust for it. Like I didn’t eat dinner yesterday (not that I had cookies or fries, ok I stole two fries from her plate). I think her family was ordering Chinese for dinner. That would have thrown me way over so I had to leave early. That part sucks but it's what I have to do.

Full of Something Anyway

Ok, so I’m full of shit. One little offer of TGI Friday’s takeout and I’m immediately having a 1400 calorie day. And it shows, I gained a half pound. I’ve been reading 147 all week. Dammit! I honestly didn’t think it would really matter (read: show). I got a grilled chicken sandwich and took off the bacon and delectable cheese (that my brother quickly swiped and rolled into a Artery Clogging Wrap and licked the grease off his fingers for good effect). I saved all but 3 bites (ok 4) of the mashed potatoes. I didn’t get to eat it until after 8 so it I’m sure settled somewhere comfy in my tummy to rear it’s ugly head on my scale today.

But hey, no biggie, back to the grind.

Still no word from AMD. I hope he doesn’t forget me. Wouldn’t that be awful? I ignore all my other inquiries (which are none btw, and SLC Boy stopped writing too) for this boy and he forgets me.

So it’s still a one pound loss of great effort and sweat so I’ll take it. And yes, I’m fully aware at this rate I’ll be 130 pounds in 17.5 weeks.

A Work-Day Story

I didn’t go to the dinner last night. It’s not that I didn’t want to or didn’t think I could manage waiting (though I would have had the shakes) but mom says it was probably going to be a “going out” type thing more so than dinner. I had to have an early night for my one very important work day this week and don’t really like seeing my mother tipsy anyway.

I’ve reduced my calories to somewhere in the realm of 1150 – 1230 calories a day (is that specific enough Bob?). I’m trying to stay just under 1200 and if I can be a little less that’s ok too. I don’t think it’s reducing my metabolism. I’m still giving a hard workout at what I hope will be 6 days a week. I’m really in the crunch to lose the last 20 pounds (well, little less). I also want to utilize these 2 weeks to the best of my advantage. I’m just blocking out Christmas and the day after at my Dad’s. I’ll have to play those by ear. There's also currently hardly no food in my house so that helps. No snackfoods really, no anything to tell the truth. Those single serving microwave popcorn (that rocks btw because it's not the styrofoam tasting Smart Pop but real life Movie Theater Popcorn for 175 calories) and some eggs and stale bread (I rarely eat bread at home, sometimes I throw a whole uneaten loaf out).

It’s easy (knock on wood) right now to reduce calories because I’m finding myself consumed with this boy and wondering if he’s thinking of me anywhere near how much I’m thinking of him. What he could offer to my life is so immeasurable, he’s given me hope. Even now, even with this little between us. I just feel hope and it’s terrific. Even if it doesn’t work out between us, and I’m looking at it like it will, but if it doesn’t, at least I can face a future knowing a man could in fact fit my life. For the first time in a long time, I don’t choose to be alone.

So bizarre this transition in my life. So beyond weight loss. Being in my thirties rocks! I was never this way in my twenties.

I'll Have a Blue Tracksuit Christmas Without You

I went to The Gap yesterday to try to blow the collection of gift cards I’ve been accumulating. The Gap has sucked for a good year now so my hopes weren’t high. All I was really hoping to find is some sort of black cotton lounge pants, like the pair I currently have that’s just too large to wear with a straight face. No such luck but I did grab a pair of size 10 low cut black twill pants and snatched a pair of medium baby blue velour lounge pants, for fun, to try on. The black pants fit me! The only difficulty was I kept trying to pull them up. I’m not used to these new low cut pants that are actually low cut. They are cut below my current tan line (faded as it may be). I’ll have to be very careful about what shirt and underwear to wear. I do like the cut. It’s actually flattering to the backside. Especially with a girl with a flat butt like myself. (That should Google well.)

The velour pants, ah, they were so fun. I really liked them. I don’t know if I can actually wear them out, they are basically $40 pj pants. So I grabbed the $50 jacket too. To have the set. Not to wear the set outside. I’m going for the very expensive pj set.

I got home and immediately had to put the pants on. The jacket I wasn’t so sure about. This morning my mother went with me to drop off my car at VW (the door handle is sticking again and I’m on my way to having a Dukes of Hazzard car.) I wore the pants with a longish coat over it. It was 7:30, no one’s looking, right?

Mom met me at VW and right off told me I looked really skinny. She was amazed at my accomplishment. She liked my new pants and told me I should keep the jacket. So I am.

I have a baby blue velour tracksuit. In size Medium. I can’t believe it.

Amusing Mark Darcy called last night. We talked for an hour and a half. He’s fun to talk to but I’m feeling a strong urge to meet him. I really feel like I need to see him. He’s leaving tomorrow for a two week trip and won’t return until January 2nd. He wants to wait until then to meet. I suppose it would be weird to meet and then he leaves right off for two weeks.

But I have this problem as the other guy has arrived from his cross country trip and he emailed me today asking for my number. I really don’t think I can pursue two relationships at the same time even though technically Amusing Mark Darcy and myself are not in a relationship. He could very well return from his trip and not call, though he told me he would call while he was gone. I’m going to have to drop the other guy and hope I’m making the right decision. I want to pursue AMD. He’s very charming and interesting. I think we have chemistry, I just need to meet him to be sure. It’s a chance but it’s a chance I’m willing to take. So we have a date in two weeks.

I guess I feel like he should be pursuing me harder if he was really interested. He calls on Sunday and then wants to wait until Tuesday. He calls on Tuesday and doesn’t want to meet or anything but wants to wait. I get one phone call in a two week period and sometime next year I get to meet him.

At the same time I suppose I would be concerned if he was overly pursuing me. It’s a strange balance and honestly I think he’s playing it right. He’s got me right where he wants me.

Lucky him.

I don’t really know what to say about my diet. I’m supposed to have dinner out tonight and I’m trying not to eat again until the dinner, which will be difficult. I’ll have to stay busy and keep my mind off it. Worse case I just won’t go to the dinner if I can’t wait.

Anyway, the good news is I get two extra weeks of weight loss before I meet Amusing Mark Darcy. That should spark some controversy. Diet Chick he should like you the way you are, not 2 to 4 pounds less. But it gives me a bright side so just give it to me, ok?

Ok, my cat is obsessed with my printer. He’s banging at the hood so hard it’s making me laugh. Must save the printer now from the Wrath of Aidan. Screw cat toys, I’m recommending the HP Deskjet 840C for your holiday kitten present needs.

Monday, Monday

Amusing Mark Darcy called yesterday. We had a nice talk though I was extremely nervous. I would really like to meet him in person. I’m apprehensive about emailing and talking via the phone even after seeing his picture. I need to look at him. I need to see his mannerisms and how he reacts to things. Non-verbal communication is very important to me. You can think a person can write the right words or talk a good talk but until you see them and see their mannerisms and how they carry themselves you don’t really know anything.

Another side effect is now I’m hopeless in pursuing other on-line communications through the site. I feel like a fraud. So I have to put other interests on hold somehow, and most likely lose them, until I see if this guy is right for me.

It’s difficult. I keep reminding myself just to be myself and not to cater to what I think he wants. I have to be self assured enough to be myself and have him like me for me. It’s not easy, especially with my history.

He’s supposed to call me again on Tuesday.

Other than that I’m just sitting here trying to figure out what to do with my day and the rest of the week. I’m off work every day but Thursday (I know it’s odd). I should have a big plan but I don’t. There’s a few movies out, or coming out, this week that I want to see but I am on a budget and don’t really think I should see all three. Plus I rented three movies and they all suck. I don’t even think I’ll finish Austin Powers or the other, some Mexican movie that was supposed to be great but seems rather juvenile to me. It’s a lot of subtitled reading for some fart jokes.

On the diet front, it’s matter of fact. I know what I have to do and I do it and hopefully the results will come. No bullshit, no drama. It’s very cut and dry. My sense of determination is very high. It may even rival how I felt the beginning of the diet. I’ve also been thinking about maintenance and I’m really not concerned. I think I know where food fits into my life now. Food is not an emotional outlet for me anymore. Food is not my enemy. Food is not my friend. It’s merely food management now. I have to manage what I eat to ensure I have enough for the evening, enough for special occasions; otherwise I’m quite willing to go without. I’m feeling really good about my body. I’m amazed at the resilience of my body. And I will never take my body for granted again.

Note to self:

Accept the Risk of Vulnerability
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope make you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.

Deep breaths, in, out, in, out. I gave him my number. It's going to be a long weekend. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Read Entire Post With High Squeeky Girlie Voice

Ohmigod, I'm in the 140s!!!!

Ohmigod, Amusing Mark Darcy wants me to call him. I can't do it. I can't possibly call him.

What a stressful, joyful day!

You want CHEZ wid dat? How 'Bout Some Oreos

I was hungry this morning after breakfast and got some Oreo’s from the vending machine. Now it’s 4 pm, True Oreo Time and I have 120 calories left for the day, not enough for another pack of Oreos, not that I should up my bad habit to two packs a day. I’m just writing this so I can read it again tomorrow when I’m hungry again so I can remember that in the afternoon I’m even more hungry and heck it might even be nice to have enough dinner calories to like, oh I don’t know, eat a dinner or something.

My gasp-able shirt came in today. I get to try it own tonight and hopefully won’t be sulking and disappointed.

And, the scale (I know, I know, wait for the scale talk until tomorrow, but I can’t), the stupid scale did that thing that caused me to chuck the last one and buy this one. It gave a digital readout then blinked and gave another number, a higher number mind you. I stepped on again and the higher number remained. I was in the 140s for a split second. And man, it rocked.

Still flirting via email with one of the online guys that I like, the other is currently moving cross country to live here. I like to reach them before the beach bunnies can snatch them up. He’s very very funny, the guy who’s here (I can’t think of a good nickname for him yet, I’m working on it), I mean he makes me laugh out loud at 8 am. No one can make me laugh at 8 am. But I’m afraid, and I hope I’m wrong, that he may be the type who’s just really funny, even intelligent funny, but can’t break past that and show their true selves. I wrote him a kind of long winded tester email regarding my doomed student teaching experience. It had a couple witty remarks but was pretty lengthy. We’ll see how he takes it.

I’m Having a Good Hair Day, Just Wanted to Share My Good Fortune

I've been at what I consider an inevitable blog block of worrying about what I write. I worry that I'm complaining too much or saying the wrong things and no one will want to read my bitch fests. But I have to remember it's a journal, it's my journal, and I have to be true to me and how I really feel. Some how I’ve got to get past these feelings.

And if I want to cheat and stuff my face and quit exercising or whatever I should write about it without worrying what people will say.

The good news is I have every intention of being the best person I can be, and this goes way beyond my weight loss efforts. I don't attempt to be a complaining pessimist and I don't even think I come off this way in RL. If there's one thing to be said about this experience is I'm as determined or more determined than any other diet I've ever been on. I have no intentions of quitting in any sense. I never stopped checking my weight on a daily basis when I stopped exercising. I was trying to see if the benefits of not exercising outweighed what I get from working out. It took me three weeks (and I weighed daily to be sure I wasn't gaining) to realize that it's more important for me to work out. Even if I hate it. And I may have to take breaks from time to time. But this won’t happen for the rest of my weight loss. I’m totally recharged and ready for the last 20 pounds. I'm amazed how working out now isn't the death sentence it was beginning to feel like. Not that I like it or anything.

I have no problems with weight training. I’m no stranger to weight training. When I belonged to a gym I used to circuit train. I used to free weight back in the day when I worked out with my ex. I was the only girl in the free weight section of the college gym and I know the other guys were like, why won’t my girlfriend come with me? I have no reservations to saying in the future I would join a gym again and begin circuit training again. I personally don’t think it will help with weight loss (my opinion) to a noticeable degree. Sure it will raise metabolism and sculpt your body and that’s great. I think that it works best when your body is where you want it to be weight wise and you only wish to tone. Typically overweight people will weight train and still have this stubborn fat that covers all their hard work. You have to burn the fat off. I think the best way to do this is with aerobic exercise and a reduction in calories. I feel like I get a great workout aerobically and muscularly by power walking. I don’t have the money or the time to add strength training right now. In the future I have not ruled it out if my body is not shaped how I want it. But for now, at least for the next 10 pounds, power walking is fine by me.

And I haven’t used my weights in quite a long time because I agree the 2 pound weights aren’t doing anything. I get a better workout drying my hair or carrying in groceries from the car.

Ack, but this isn’t what I wanted to write about today. By signing onto the Internet dating thing I’ve opened a whole can of worms. I’m juggling too many guys. I’m not a multiple guy kind of girl. I gotta be able to focus. I feel all scattered. And the guys who didn’t have pictures, well, two of them finally sent me a picture and they aren’t attractive to me. Not that I think they are unattractive. I think beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But in my eyes… sigh. So now I have to admit that I’m superficial and don’t want to move forward. Why can’t people look like how you picture in your head? So, I have two guys I have to tell I’m not interested in pursuing.

Anyway there are 2 guys that I do like, sort of. I’m hesitant about this on line thing because I’ve done it before and it went very bad. You don’t really know until you see someone in person. Even then you’re so adrenalized (I can’t believe that’s not a word, that should be a word, I’m not changing it) about meeting them that you really need a couple of meetings. But online flirting is soooo fun. It’s so much easier.

But you see this is the problem with me. Some guy without a picture writes me a short email and I’m thinking, agnostic mind you, that it’s divine intervention. God has hooked me up. It’s fate man, my destiny has wrote me from Front Street. I use the word “fate” like a nut case in my email. Then I freak out wondering why Front Street Guy hasn’t written me, knowing full on well it’s because I used the word “fate” in my first email to the guy. Can I just write married-babies-menstruation-biological clock as a one item deal and get it over with? Then a week later Front Street guy decides to email his picture. I’ve got my fingers crossed on the scroll down and he’s got a goatee! Oh please shoot me now. And he’s stick freakin’ thin in an I can eat a 20 pound steak and not gain an ounce and my future wife, me, will always be fatter than me no matter what she weighs. And he could use some better fitting glasses too really if you want to get down to it.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I don’t really know what to say about Bob’s comment. I’m trying not to take a defeatist attitude or what I call a “victim” attitude but I still feel like maybe I should try to defend myself because I don’t agree with everything Bob said.

I think I’ll begin with a mathematics lesson. Walking a treadmill at a speed of 3.5 mph for ½ burns approximately 200 calories (differentiations occur according to weight and things like shortness of legs). If you work out for 5 days a week you burn a total of 1000 calories. If one pound is equal to 3500 calories it would take 3 and ½ weeks of working out to lose 1 pound. If you’re miserable, out of your skull miserable, you may take a look at that and say to yourself for peace of mind’s sake to drop the exercise and continue on with all other things equal. That’s what I attempted because it was driving me out of my skull. Not because I was showing a 2 pound a week loss that would make it worth it to exercise but because I was pretty much plateaued, plateaued in my pessimistic mind at less than a 2 pound a week loss.

It was never a point for me to be at exactly 1200 calories. I’ve always given myself a range. Even when I was at 500 calories a day it was 500-600 calories a day. I just called it 500 calories because at that point I was pretty much done. But if it went over 99 calories it doesn’t matter.

It would take 35.35 days to gain a pound at 99 additional calories a day, assuming one should gain weight at 1299 calories a day. 1200 was a minimum figure because most research I’ve read says to not go under 1200 calories, otherwise you sink into starvation mode. So at 1200 I know I’m done but I want to not be under 1200 calories and you can’t always be dead on. I never considered 1299 calories to be a level where one would gain or maintain weight. If you read other diet blogs, and I read a lot, most people are doing the 1600 calorie thing.

I’m not quite sure where the plateau theory comes into play. If you look at my weight loss chart my entire diet, to me, looks like a plateau after the first couple weeks and less a couple 3 pound loss weeks. It’s amazing to me with numbers like that I actually have come anywhere yet that entire nightmare adds up to 47 pounds. Somehow. You can tell where TOM comes into play on my weight loss chart because it either shows a + or 0. This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with a gain, I had a 1.5 pound gain and worked out straight through TOM. So I don’t see it as slacking off in the past 3 weeks has me where I am with a self-defeatist attitude.. I had TOM and Thanksgiving to contend with. I’ve maintained for 3 weeks. But I didn’t show a crazy gain for overdoing Thanksgiving or not working out for 3 weeks. I just stayed the same. Just like 10/4 – 10/18, another 3 week period where I WAS exercising and never ate anything I didn’t write down and add up. Weight loss doesn’t always make sense. You just keep going.

There are many things to keep in mind. The most important is: I never gave up. I never stopped watching what was happening. I never binged.

Also, the more weight you lose the slower it comes off. I knew going into the diet I would lose 10 pounds right off the bat and I did. That will never happen again. I probably will never show another 3 pound loss. It will be 1 to 2 pounds a week with a TOM fuck up every 4 weeks.

I realize there are diet blogs all over the web where people lost a certain amount and have plateaued for ages. I understand your concern. I appreciate you trying to help me. I just feel like I needed to speak my side of it.

I started working out again for the following reason: I wasn’t getting anywhere by not working out. I was no happier. I actually felt more tired and a little lost. It was unexpected. I also felt better about working out because I had a break. I wanted a break, I took a break, I’m ready to get back to business now and maximize my weight loss. And, I’m concerned with not getting toned. Maybe it’s just the extra 20 pounds but I feel flabby. I’ll look down and see my thighs around my hip area spreading out very oddly and I think the toning will do it some good.

And let’s not forget, I am going through some psychological issues that may very well be hindering me. I don’t consider it self-defeating (though it may come off that way to my readers) nor do I consider it a victim attitude, I have reservations about losing weight that I needed to work through. I believe I have conquered my fears and am ready to face what life has to offer me as a thin person.

I want anyone out there reading this who’s overweight and feels hopeless approaching another holiday freaking out about what to wear and how to survive what feels like all eyes on you at the buffet tables to understand this:

Last year at this time I was freaked out of my mind about my office Christmas Party. I had to face the truth and go into a Lane Bryant store. I couldn’t get away with my drawstring lounge pants at the Christmas party. I couldn’t find anything in a size 16 at the Gap and had no other choice. I bought this shirt made out of this odd nylon type material. Shitty material they only put into Big Girl clothes. I also bought a black mini skirt that had sequins in the front. I wanted a plain one but that’s all they had. The sales attendant was adorable and I wished to god I was a beautiful overweight girl like her with her cute little hairdo under her headband, her healthy glow, and her generous smile. I tried on the clothes and was relieved that it wasn’t a tear inducing struggle like my last visit to The Limited looking for a dress to wear to my Great Grandmother’s funeral over the summer. I was a whale nonetheless. Shameful and pissed at myself. I had promised myself once before that I would never have to step back into a Lane Bryant and fuck if I hadn’t gone again. I didn’t wear the outfit I bought to the party. I wore it to a cocktail party and was so miserable I stripped the top off my body and threw it away. I squeezed into the funeral dress and straightened my hair and promised I would not spend the night obsessing over how I looked. I would pretend I was beautiful. I’ve never seen the pictures from that party and I’m sure I looked nothing like I was trying to feel.

But this year, this year it’s different. When I log onto Nordstroms, it’s not to see what ridiculously overpriced items Emme has come up with. I don’t even go there. I haven’t been on Alight. I haven’t even seen what sort of coupon I’ve gotten from Lane Bryant. No. This year I’m on a mad search for a top I saw in the window of Ann Taylor’s Loft store. It’s black lace and crosses in the front. It makes you gasp when you look at it. I’m ordering a shirt that makes me gasp.

Amazing what a year can do.

Now You’re Talkin’

Someone wrote me who I actually think I might like. He has a great profile, looking for a “deep” woman (which I hope is not a sort of “skill” connotation) who’s intelligent and has a sense of humor. He’s tall 6’4” and is a big, giant guy. I’d have to see him in person to be sure, but he seems to be attractive to me. We’ll see if he writes me back.

I wrote one other guy back to ask him to email his picture to me. I haven’t heard back from him.

And, I’m back to exercising. Three days now. Lunch buddy told me today I was walking too fast down the sidewalk to the hotdog stand. But it was cold downtown. I told her it was the treadmill that has made me this power walker and I can even go faster than I was. I’m a walking fool. I still hate it. I’ll always hate it. But if it gets me what I want then I can respect it for what it is.

I wonder if people with shorter legs burn more calories walking than longer legged people? I would think they would.

Mirrored Sunglasses and Self Esteem, Some Kind of Steam Anyway

Ok I have to share about this guy who wrote me. For his profile picture he choose a picture of himself with those colored mirrored sunglasses. That’s his main picture! That’s what he wants his initial impression to be about. My cool ass Wal-mart colored mirrored glasses. Ain’t I a bad ass. Ah trust me on this. He smokes everyday, hates pop culture, and television, and he wears colored mirrored sunglasses. I mean if you’re into that then I’ll be happy to forward his profile to you and you can hook up with him but to me, ugh. I’ve had a subscription to Entertainment Weekly for about 5 years and I’m looking forward to “The Bachelorette”. I think I’m a little into pop culture. But wait, there’s more. On his other pictures you get 2 more with The Sunglasses and one of him white and pasty with I swear to god, BONGS in the background. I kid you not. Unbelievable. This is the man who wants to be the father of my children.

I watched the second part of the Dr Phil show on Self Esteem and it was very good. I turned to Lunch Buddy and said, “he’s like an evangelist, he cures people.” All those sad people were smiling and not just smiling but beaming. I just don’t know if you can cure a lifetime of feelings and thoughts in an hour, or two hours, or two days, or a week.

Answered Questions and New Beginnings

I had a little problem with an English muffin and the end of a bag of WOW tortilla chips. I refuse to buy anymore bags of chips until goal weight. I think I’ve said that before but I mean it this time. I didn’t finish the bag. I threw half in the sink and poured them down. I still ate about 1500something calories and I showed a gain today. So tomorrow’s weigh day and it probably won’t be a good one. The day will but the weight won’t. New beginnings tomorrow.

Mixed Bag of Questions

Was there ever a time when you were comfortable with your weight and/or exercising routine?

Yes, I once lost 70 pounds and maintained within a 10 pound range for about 2 years.

What sort of different diets and/or work outs have you tried?

My first diet was physician imposed at about 6 years old. It was completely measured, one egg, one piece of bacon. It was horrible as a kid because I felt like it was medicine or something. As a teen I used to buy Dexatrim but take 2 instead of one. It would make my head itch. I’m a firm believer in counting calories but I’ve tried Weight Watchers and the Atkins too.

Has your weight/appearance affected you emotionally?

Of course. I think the weight is self imposed as a protection device. When I’m overweight I don’t have to socialize. I can stay home. I don’t have to date, I don’t have to do anything. And I have the perfect excuse. Who would want to date me like this? I feel ugly when I’m overweight and my self-esteem drops. I don’t even think it’s really the weight that hurts me, it’s what it does to my self-esteem.

Still Moody

Ok so here’s the deal.

I’m beginning to feel like I’m cheating, though I’m not, I’m rigidly firm with my 1200-1300 daily calories, and I don’t even feel like I have the energy to fight anymore. Is it really possible to maintain weight at 152 pounds? Is 149.5 pounds never going to happen? Maybe it’s just not supposed to happen. Maybe I should accept my fate as the girl with the abnormally poochy belly and get on with my day. No sense worrying over a fight you’re too tired to face, right?

I’m just so tired. And I know it’s TOM and it’ll pass in a day or two, but what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t have the strength to get on a treadmill? What if I’ve done all I can do and I’m just tired.

I’m so sick of being this down person I can’t even tell you. Where is my happy spirit?

Why is this so hard? If it really takes such an effort to be an overweight person why does this seem so hard to lose weight. And it is hard. It’s not a matter of casually cutting back your food and the weight will come off. Weight clings like it was meant to be there. It’s not an easy separation. To grab some food, quick, and cheap, is easy. Denying yourself comfort food, making yourself eat less than you want to, and exercise because you have to, is hard. Call me immature, juvenile, bratty, whatever, it’s true. It’s not a simple matter of “working hard to be fat”. That’s easy. That’s second nature. That’s a piece of cake. Literally. Why do you think they call it “a piece of cake”? Because IT'S easy.

So anyway, redirect, I’m going to take a chance here and pay out the $20 and respond to some of these mystery boys on the internet dating thing. I’m getting off the proverbial fence, off the side lines, out of my comfort zone. Well sort of. I’m writing them. I’m not sure about meeting someone yet.

I should be back to exercising by tomorrow or Friday at the latest. There’s absolutely no reason I shouldn’t be back to exercising by Friday. I should be completely normal and lacking of any excuses by then. Maybe just maybe I’ll find some strength to really put forth an effort with this for two solid months. I mean really commit to going full force for two months. No dilly dally, no experimental boloney, no ‘woe-is-me’ attitude that’s getting on my nerves.

I think next week will be a good week. And Friday, Friday’s a day for new beginnings.

Moody

On a day like today, feeling how I’m feeling, my old friend TOM namely, I’m going to rant on some of these boys who are sending me messages from my internet dating profile.

I don’t know why someone thinks it’s fair to write me regarding my profile and to not have a picture at their own profile. It would be different if I didn’t have a picture. Then they didn’t know what I looked like and I didn’t know what they looked like. It would be totally based on the quality of words we can type and hey that’s cool, at least it’s even. I’ve got this imagination that reads words and puts a face with the words and those that have a picture are never what I expect from their paragraph of meanderings. Am I really going to fork over $20 to reply to a faceless guy because he liked my profile and lives on Front Street?

And if a guy is 5’6” inches he should really consider posting his picture to help his cause. That a huge glaring yellow blinking light and he doesn’t even think a picture of his puppy dog eyes (not that I’m into that sort of thing and yes I have had a very large crush before on a short guy but on a computer profile you need a little more, ya know what I mean) would help the situation in a moment of first initial impressions.

And the thing is these two new guys who wrote me both seem cool. It’s shameful they didn’t post their picture. I have to pay the site in order to write them back and I'm not doing it without knowing what they look like.

So if you’re a guy and you have an internet profile, for god’s sake post your picture. One of those guys could be Mr. Somewhat Ok and I’ll never know.

"Exercise" is Not a Four-Letter Word

I’ve been going through this thing where I’m freaking out about writing and it’s like I’m trying too hard or something, not to mention the search engine results, I don’t know, so I’m just going to write and I apologize profusely if it’s boring or whatever.

Regarding all those exercise comments, tell me how you really feel people. I promise I will all my might I will return to exercising. There's a reason why I'm not exercising right now and as soon as that's over I'll be exercising again.

Calculations for the month of November show a 3 pound loss, which is horrible, though better than gaining, and it’s right on track with holding on to the additional 1 miserable pound I lose per month by working out, but still, with 20 + pounds to go, every pound counts, not to mention the excess flab that needs to be tightened. And I do feel my energy has lessened. I admit it ok, happy?

O-kay, about Thanksgiving. I didn’t count calories but didn’t eat what I would consider excessive, though I went to bed far too full. I really am clueless as to what a normal day’s food should be without calculating it. I think it’s because I eat like such a freak on my diet (and off the diet too for that matter) that when I try to do actual meals I get confused knowing I can’t eat 3 regular meals. Anyway, I had a ham and egg biscuit for breakfast. I turn them down all the time at work and crave them regularly. I knew it would hold me over until whenever we ate and it was so good. I ate a normal sized Thanksgiving meal, it wasn’t piled on but it was still a lot of crap: Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, you know too many starches and fat. Did I mention I’m not a fan of veggies? And I kept sneaking small bits of the brownies I made.

Speaking of the brownies, I had this bright idea to bring something so I made some brownies. I was excited to test myself knowing it would be easy not to sneak because I wasn’t going to cut them up. I couldn’t very well show up with a thing of brownies with a missing piece. Little did I realize when you bake brownies, it smells like brownies all over the entire house. It was awful, in a heavenly sort of way. Why can’t broccoli smell like brownies. We’d all eat more broccoli. I was praying they’d cool enough to stick in the car. Once the oven cooled I put them in the back of the car and the smell went away in the house. The next morning I loaded up the car and when I got in, the car smelled like brownies. The whole ride! Well, until I found a McDonald’s that was open. Then it smelled like biscuits.

For dinner I ate another plate and snuck some more brownie bites. My brother asked who keeps making little holes in the brownies? That would be, uh, me.

Friday we went to breakfast. I love going out for breakfast. Everything is fattening for breakfast. So I got the French Toast and only ate 2 pieces. Only two, that’s funny. I was going for one and then said ok another ½ and then well I’ll just have the other half. I didn’t eat again until after I was done shopping with my brother at the new waste-of-a-mall with out a Gap (scoff!) and had another plate and another small sneak of brownies. I watch Eight Legged Freaks with my dad and drove home. I stopped at Smithfield’s BBQ promising it was a last meal type deal. I’ve been craving a BBQ sandwich forever. It didn’t taste as good as I was expecting (needed more slaw) and really needed a sweet tea to accompany it.

Needless to say I’m sick of turkey. Though brownies are another story entirely.

My weight ended up on Saturday down .5 pounds for the week and I was pleased I maintained but has since gone up a pound as of this morning. I know, I know, exercise. And I will.

One last thing. I’m starting to get giddy when I put on clothes now. My bras are all whacked because when I was gaining I refused to believe I was no longer a 36B and they got all stretched and messed up until I finally broke down and bought two Liz Claiborne 38C bras. Now I’m back to a 36B but most of my more stretch conducive bras are messed up. I dug way back and found a cute lacy bra and it fits. Not constrictive at all. And the once tight “stretchy” shirt I wore over it is loose and fits properly. This makes me pleased to no end. And when I do laundry my bras are little and cute now and not honking embarrassing things. It’s not often one smiles when walking with a basket of folded laundry.

So see. There’s good things about losing 3 pounds a month too.