Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Tuesday's Tales

I had this idea that every Tuesday, unless something more important happens, I would copy a post or part of a post from my earlier blog days.

Yes, I've done this before.  Starting in May of 2002, I had an epiphany and began an online weight loss journey where I ended up losing about 67 pounds.  My starting weight was 199 pounds but I lost like a shit-ton the first week and was in the 180s by close of my second week.  Like. so. unfair. 

Anyway the post I'm going to share came from my epiphany day on May 20:

Turning the Corner

I've been dreading this post because I'm really afraid of jinxing the whole thing. But, I think I have turned a corner. Since Friday night I have had a whole new outlook on food and god I hope it stays. My biggest fear right now is that it won't and any moment I'll start stuffing my face with food thinking it will solve something. If anyone reads this please keep your fingers crossed for me. I could use the support and encouragement.

There's a lot I want to say about it but my fear overtakes me. I'll just say this. I read so many blogs last Friday about weight loss. So many people that remind me so much of myself. The desperation, the despair. And I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to wake up at 300 pounds and realize what a terrible mistake I've made. I don't want to continue the path I'm on and end up 300 pounds with no more enlightenment than I have where I am now.   

So instead of thinking about food, food, food all the time I'm trying to think about clothes, clothes I wish I could wear, clothes I own and can't wear, outfits I would be wearing, how my underwear will feel, how it would feel to sit at my vanity and not have the tummy resting on my legs. Not to panic about summer and sticky-leg-syndrome and having to walk with my upper legs still and using only the lower part of my legs to walk. Not to have my bra cutting into my flesh causing ugly pink marks that burn when I take my bra off.

So that's where I am. I'm ready for the journey.

The obvious thing that sticks out is how do I stop this cycle?  I was basically 200 pounds and knew I was in trouble and somehow managed to lose all that weight and I'm telling you I almost immediately starting regaining weight, was immediately freaked out and frustrated.  How am I going to stop it from happening again?

We were watching The Late Show last night and Stephen Colbert was talking about this new medical device called The AspireAssist.  And it was like a joke, haha, fat people eat like the pigs and they use a tube connected to their stomach to remove the excess food from their stomach into the toilet.  And to me it was like, people, don't you see, this is a real thing, people are willing to have a tube connected from their stomach to the outside of their body to stop them from gaining weight, that's how hard it is.  I'm so tired of people thinking eating 1200 calories a day is easy, it's not easy, it's hard, it sucks all the time, all I think about is food now, it's terrible, and I'm not even dropping a lot of weight, it's slow and painful and mind numbing.  The AspireAssist isn't funny, it shows everything that's fucked up about being an obese person.  Stop judging fat people.  It's no different than a lost soul who's hooked on heroin.  It's exactly the same except you don't tell a drug addict that they still have to take a little bit of drugs 3 times a day and maybe a snack too, but just a little bit.  It's easy, just cut back!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Sunday Dinner - Chicken Cacciatore

On Sundays I cook dinner for my family.  Brian's parents live next door so they come over and my mom comes over too.  I've been doing this for about a year but now that I'm watching what I eat I thought it might be an interesting idea to post recipes or use Sunday dinners to discuss the dinner in general.

The first week was easy. One of my favorite meals also just happens to be healthy and low in calories.  This is a recipe my mom makes since I was a child, a modified version of the Betty Crocker recipe from the red and white checkered books I think all housewives of the 70s owned.

Since I started cooking this recipe I sort of combined it with my regular spaghetti recipe so it's generally a runnier spaghetti sauce with chicken breast served over rice. 

1/4 cup olive oil
1 package of skinless boneless chicken breast (I trim off the fat and that corner grissly part and cut into thirds)
1 onion chopped
1 glove of garlic (I use the chopped garlic that comes in a jar, I eyeball about a teaspoon)
1 - 28 oz can of peeled italian tomatoes
1 - small can of tomato sauce
1 - teaspoon dried oregano
1 - teaspoon dried basil
2 - Tablespoon dried parsley
2 - Tablespoon sugar (do not leave this out! the sugar takes out the metallic taste of the can tomatoes, this is the secret ingredient)
1 - teaspoon salt
1/2 - teaspoon pepper

Heat 1/4 cup of olive oil in a large skillet over medium high heat.  Cook the chicken until browned but not cooked all the way through.  Remove.  I rinse the pan if it's a little browned and wipe with paper towel and return to the stove.  Add a little more olive oil and cook the onions and garlic until soft.  Return the chicken.  Add the tomatoes and tomato sauce and then add everything else.  While it's heating up I stir everything around and try to cut up my tomatoes into smaller pieces.  A smarter person would use a food processer to chop the tomatoes and then add them to the sauce but I use kitchen scissors to cut up my tomatoes until they are the consistency I want them, still quite chunky.  Once everything is mixed in and the dish boils, turn the temperature to low and let it cook for at least a half hour but not over an hour, I did that once and my tomatoes were no longer chunky.  Cook rice following instructions.  You can also serve with pasta but I like using rice for this dish.

My serving was 1 cup of rice, 3 oz of chicken (that was about 2 pieces), and a 1/2 cup of tomatoes or so.  Usually I serve with garlic bread but I forgot because I was dieting and a nice side salad. 

This dish I worked out to be 450 calories, most of which is the rice.

Thursday, October 08, 2015

Weigh In Thursday

I started this diet on October 1st and for some reason I thought that was on a Wednesday.  All week I've been thinking, wow, Weigh In Wednesday has a great ring to it, what a happy accident how that all worked out.  But the 1st was on Thursday and Weigh In Thursday just doesn't have the same ring. 

So, here's the deal.  I lost 1/2 a pound since yesterday so I'm going to split that half pound into 1/4 pounds because that's like nothing and give 1/4 to this week and 1/4 to next week and start Weigh In Wednesdays starting next week.

On to the weight loss.  I lost 4.05 (I know, .05, right?) pounds this week.  Pretty good start.  Whoo hoo.

Later in the game when I'm not so embarrassed about what I weigh I'll include my current weight, but not just yet.

Today is also my 10th Wedding Anniversary with Brian.  I thought it would be a bigger deal and we'd take a huge vacation (cruise!) but instead we are going out for sushi tonight at the most exotic restaurant in town (no joke, it's a pretty awesome place). 

I weighed 204 pounds when I got married.  I could not lose a freaking pound for my wedding.  Most people drop a lot of weight before they get married and I gained a few pounds like an idiot.  The seamstress had to let my dress out on my second fitting.  It was humiliating.  The stress of planning a wedding on a teeny-tiny budget and combining multiple families and making sure no one feels left out really took it's toll on me.  And then we had constant rain the 3 days leading up to our wedding and had to move our wedding and reception the day before the wedding, it was nuts.  I'M EATING THESE FRENCH FRIES MOTHER!
But hey in hindsight, I would love to be 204 pounds right now! 

Hey, happy sweaty couple.  Marriage is my favorite and your love for each other is pretty special.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

On The Importance of Planning

Every year Brian and I buy this local coupon book.  The most common coupon is buy one get one free and there's a lot of restaurants in the book from nice restaurants to fast food.  It helps us try new places and saves us some money.

Last night after Brian played basketball he picked me up and we grabbed the coupon book and decided to go to Sonic.  I had about 650 calories saved up so I thought I was doing really well.  I was even thinking about getting some tater tots.  Our coupon was for buy one sonic burger get one free.  I looked up the calorie information for a Sonic burger and about fell out of my chair.  Without cheese, the Sonic burger has 690 calories!  I hesitated but since I had the calories that's what I went with (otherwise our coupon wouldn't work).

And I like Sonic burgers, don't get me wrong.  But I like them about 500 calories worth.  It was just disappointing.  After I finished eating I wanted my calories back.  I thought of all the things I could eat with 690 calories and it would not have been that.

Today, for this post I looked up the information again and there's a Jr. Deluxe burger for 360 with all the fixins.  I remember I used to eat there when I dieted before.  I must have ordered the Jr. Deluxe Burger.

Plan. plan. plan.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

I Broke a Pier Plank

So, something horrifying happened over the summer.  I broke a pier plank.

We were in the Adirondacks and like I always do I walked down the wooden pier past the boats to photograph the sunset.  And on my way back, I took a step on one of the planks and my foot went through.  I didn't get hurt or anything, I think my horror adrenaline took care of any initial pain.  Then every night after that as we looked out over the lake to the sunset I saw the hole I left.

To any normal person they would just think the planks are rotten, which they are.  But I broke the plank and I'm overweight so even if it wasn't my girth, the deed was done, the idea was there.  The fat girl broke the plank.

My weight has remained remarkably steady for years now.  The last time I lost some weight was the beginning of 2013.  I was trudging along and then the day after Valentine's day I woke up with horrible stomach pains.  A week and a half later (with a surprising additional weight drop) I was having an emergency appendectomy.  Which is good, that means I went into the hospital down about 25 pounds down from the beginning of the year.  I had some really crazy nausea afterwards and I decided to stop dieting until my stomach went back to normal and then I just never went back to dieting.  My weight went right back up where it was before and has been there for over 2 years.

And I think because of that I tried pushing my thoughts about my weight away because I was maintaining.  The scariest thing about being fat isn't the weight you are but that you are always, continually gaining weight.  So the fact that I was (virtually) the same for years gave me some reprieve, a lot of reprieve actually.

When I think about my weight, which is a lot, I think to myself that I've been through a lot of emotional pain due to my infertility and inability to have children, and I'm over 40 and need to back down on the vanity anyway, and I'm happy like this, right?  My husband thinks I'm beautiful and I can find decent enough plus sized clothes, and I'm sooooo overweight now anyway, it would be impossible to do anything.  Impossible.  Right?

Last week I got my hair cut short which means now I have to straighten it to not look like Shirley Temple and it's warm here and I was wearing underwear, sitting down, blowdrying my hair and my eyes drifted over to the full length mirror where I saw how large I was.  I couldn't believe it.  And I think that and a few other things really turned me around.  I have to try this.  I have to try.

I didn't know how this was going to go but I started last Wednesday recording my calories and I've been doing pretty good and feeling pretty good..  Tomorrow will be my first official weekly weigh in.  I'm excited and I want to document my journey.

Blogging has been spotty for me but I'm hoping to turn that around.  Hope you guys stick around.